Danuel House of the Dragan: The 2016 Big Board

[Joe]

Danuel House of the Dragan: The 2016 Big Board

Happy Fourth of July, I hope everyone had a great holiday and reminded themselves of how fucking sick it is to not be European. Imagine blowing a 13 colony lead. Embarrassing.

I think our commissioner got tired of seeing all of the real drafts, mock drafts (and big boards) going mostly chalk with the ranking of scouted potential in the draft file, so he decides to make the entire 2016 draft one huge curveball. Honestly, I’m here for it - it kinda pains me to have to put Timothy Waluigi Carrot-Cake in the top 10, but this is the kind of class where the best 3rd or 4th best player in the draft might get taken outside the lottery – objectively fun and super chaotic.

1. Jaylen Brown SF 6'6'' 223 20 B C+ C- B- C A

Pretty obvious homer pick coming here at #1, though Brown doesn’t come without some weirdness. Finals MVP. Multiple clutch performances. Conspiracy theorist. Genuine crystal girl. Huge fan of Jewish Disney channel movies. Not a huge fan of Jews as a concept. His eccentricities aside, Brown has the highest scouted potential of any of the traditionally shaped guys at the top of the draft, and obviously has the pedigree to match. Supercamp to jumpshot, 3PT, and Inside, no need to overthink it. I fear for the Pistons as Kyrie’s flat Earth theories are immediately going to have twice as much traction in league discourse.


2. Jamal Murray SG 6'4'' 215 19 C+ B C+ C C- A

Probably 1B to Jaylen’s 1A, with bonus points because he’s 19. I don’t feel the need to put him at the top of the Big Board, as he is probably getting enough top as it is. While the ratings are kinda whatever for a SG getting picked in the top 2, if we think of him as a PG, his profile is quite different. He’s got the handles to play the position, and with good strength for the 2, he should basically be the Hulk at the 1. High strength, inside and jumpshot at the PG spot has me thinking he’ll end up with Deron Williams’ scoring profile, but with fewer TOs and slightly more effort on defense. Remind him not to drink and gram.


3. Brandon Ingram SF 6'8'' 190 19 B- B- C+ C C A

A lot of 19 year olds with A Potential in this draft, and this is one I’m perhaps least suspicious of. Probably not going to be the second coming of Kevin Durant (that’s Thon Maker), but Ingram figures to be a fun scoring mold. Only concern is that C rebounding is on the borderline of C- (not ideal for a guy with zero strength), so he may actually end up being best suited for the 2, where he won’t be cooked on the glass by the actual Kevin Durant.


4. Ben Simmons SF 6'10'' 240 20 B- D+ B+ B+ B- A

Unfortunately there is no RC that allows you to have a player switch to shooting jumpshots with his dominant hand, so we are stuck with a Ben Simmons who will be extremely tough to watch at the PG position (sound familiar?). His best SLN comp is likely Russ, who actually started with an Outside rating two letter grades higher than Simmons…and Russ oscillates between being a barely passable shooter and laying bricks like a New Jersey union worker (shout out to Swamp culture). Fortunately for Simmons, he can backup whatever positions you choose, which I’m guessing will be 2-5 or 3-5 and you can hope to get some Moon-ish production out of him.


5. Jakob Poeltl C 7'0'' 245 21 B- D+ C B- B- A

In the SLN draft, there’s a Turtle named Poeltl. He moves slowly and smoothly, you’ll never see him hurtle. While others rush past, a blur of speed and might, Poeltl takes his time, no need for that flight. He pivots round the block at his own gentle pace, an Austrian brute with with finesse and grace. He spins and he twists in his own turtle style, then he banks in a hook shot with a wink and a smile. So in SLN where speeds often king, Poeltl shows us that it’s not everything.


6. Timothé Luwawu-Cabarrot SF 6'7'' 220 21 B C+ C- B+ C B

Editor's note: I wrote the first 5 picks a few days ago and forgot to finish, just getting back to this. Currently a lot of beers, a lot of mushrooms and a full game of Mario Party deep, but it’s almost draft o’clock so no more poems...we’re just gonna need to crank this bitch out. Happy America day, sorry for the typos. Matt only ever wins Mario Party because he gets bush league hidden block stars btw. Separately, thank you to Pankin and Mollie for delivering us Totinos pizza rolls around turn 15.

Back to the draft. I got no idea what to do with Chalamet over here. Highest Inside in the draft, unbelievable notes that make him sound like some kind of Super Saiyan Josh Howard, and yet this guy wasn’t worth the 2-euro baguette he rode in on when he was in the NBA. His profile is just a little too positive, which makes me think he might be a red herring and the move is just to take someone you’ve heard of, but if he’s for real, he could end up being the steal of the first round.


7. Domantas Sabonis PF 6'10'' 240 20 B- B- B+ C B- A

This kind of big man archetype gives me anxiety just reading the draft profile. B-/B- scoring is cool and he got hella potential…it’s just that horrendous handles and elite passing don't blend into a particularly tasty FBB milkshake. Sabonis's head is also just far too big for his body and his body is enormous, so his head has to be a legit planet. On the basketball front, the good news for him is that Jokic barely cracked the 2 TOPG mark this past year, and Sabonis is in a lot of ways a dollar store Joker. Probably going to need to be paired with some stockier wings to offset the big fat egg he’s going to lay defensively on a nightly basis, but lots of people like eggs and they’re full of proteins.


8. Pascal Siakam PF 6'8'' 230 22 B- C+ C+ B- C+ B

Not since Iso Joe Johnson was a bonafide NBA star done so dirty with no draft profile and mediocre notes. However, I have reason to believe Siakam is going to be a lot more effective than Joe Johnson in SLN, who ended up being most notable for serving as the centerpiece of the league’s second TB fleecing (sorry Heimer) and the production equivalent of a fart in the air conditioning. Siakam is on the upper border of all the important ratings - that B- Inside is almost flat B, as is his B- Defense, and his C+ Outside is almost B-. No draft profile, no problem, I could see Siakam going higher than this.


9. Henry Ellenson PF 6'10'' 240 20 C+ B C C B- A

This guy was such a nothing that typing in “Henry Ellen” into Google doesn’t even autofill to Ellenson, it autofills to Henry Ellenbogen, chairman of the board of the Posse Foundation, which seems to be some kind of 90s rap charity (idk, I didn’t click the link). And yet, here our boy Hank is at the top of the scouted potential list. What do we make of this? I don’t know how many “the next Dirk” comparisons we’ve had in the last few drafts (lotta big white ogres jackin threes comin into the league), but if you’re convincing yourself to take Ellenson top 5, that’s probably the mental triple lutz you’re gonna need to do.


10. Dragan Bender PF 7'0'' 225 19 C+ B- C+ C C+ A

Did someone say the next Dirk? The GOAT CROAT since Drazen Petrovich himself! He looks the part at 7 foot with C+/B- scoring to start, probably worth him being a defensive turnstile at the 3 so he can use those physical tools to get buckets against smaller players. Convert him to SF, supercamp his offense, and pray that he gets a nice potential boost as a teen. Bender was the other guy (other than Maker) in this draft I thought could end up a Hall of Famer – I suppose there’s a reason I’m writing big boards for fake basketball and not getting phone calls from Mark Cuban asking for my advice on draft night. Separately, Bender kinda looks like evil Andrew Garfield and now I can’t unsee it.


11. Marquese Chriss PF 6'9'' 240 19 C+ C+ C- B- B- A

I dunno man, Marquese Chriss played less than 300 games in his NBA career, and did a whole lot of bupkis in those games. His profile says some mocks have him going in the top 5, but if ashes didn’t note that, I might not have him in the lotto. His player archetype is not the typical PF mold, a bit of offense and a bit of defense…though not enough of either to make me write home to mom. At the end of the day, he’s a teenager with A potential and relatively balanced base stats so he could definitely end up productive, just not sure what shape he’s going to take.


12. Fred VanVleet PG 6'0'' 197 22 C B B B C- B

FVV sounds a lot like FBB. Don’t overthink this one. If that's not enough, he's pretty much everything you want in the game-manager-type, good jumpshot, handles and steals. All it might take is a supercamp to his Inside and Strength and a few good NDL bounces and Fred could definitely make him a star. Every year I feel like I see a guy who I’m like “this is the next Troy Hudson” and then he turns out to look a lot more like Beno Udrih (who might have been one of those guys himself). And yet, VanVleet looks a LOT like the next Troy Hudson, I’m ready to get hurt again.


13. Malcolm Brogdon PG 6'4'' 229 24 C+ B C+ C+ C C

Maybe I’m a little biased because he was briefly very good for the Celtics, but if you're an NBA player with this kind of pedigree, getting slapped with C scouted potential in SLN is basically the equivalent of ashes breaking into your house at night to take a wet dump in your favorite pair of loafers. Weird situation here, where he’s got awesome starting PG ratings and they’re probably not going to get a ton better, but he’s probably starting as a better player than Brandon Knight was after 3 camps. Fuck.


14. Alex Caruso PG 6'5'' 186 22 C B C B+ C- B

Too drunk and tired, will finish this tomorrow. Bald Mamba, something about steals.

Update: Much like the Daniel Defoe character for which he was (sort of) named, Bald Mamba is going to have opposing point guards on an island. Lockdown defender with extremely enticing stock to TO potential at the PG spot, especially starting with a C handling rating and good handles, we know he's got minimal passing.


15. Dejounte Murray SG 6'5'' 180 20 C+ B- B C+ C+ B

Does useful stuff that will look even better at the PG spot. Almost B- defense. Skinny arms and legs with big shoulders, kinda looks like a coatrack

Update: Coatrack comment was actually pretty spot on. Love that he's starting at C+ Inside and C+ rebounding to go along with that promising defensive profile. Super dumb that his name isn't pronounced "De-on-tay."

[ashes]

egregious usages of bona fide and star

[SWAMP STEVEN]

Pizza rolls, thank you Pankin

[jwoo]

Pizza rolls, thank you Pankin

plain flavor only

[Matt]

Some pretty unruly propaganda in this article

[nolan]

FVV sounds a lot like FBB, now THAT is the hard hitting analysis I love Joe's articles for

Also, Matt luck

[nolan]

Not only did you guys let GX get Ashes number 1 guy but Joe was so moved by his play he had to write a poem about him. Lakers