The Funniest Thing About Every SLN Roster, WEST Drop

[SWAMP STEVEN]

Light day at work after a long start to the week, so I’m scribin’ and scribblin’ on a Thursday. It was the mid-2000s last time I did this exercise. Many things have changed, like a Madlib beat or chameleon getting out of a codependent relationship. Many things have not, like Woo’s underwear. GOT EM! Sorry, Jeremy has fantastic personal hygiene, I can vouch (and did as much at his House hearing, word to Barney Frank).

In reverse order from the current playoff standings:

Lakers
Why is this team 3-18? Perhaps because its two leading players, the backcourt of Ricky Rubio and CJ McCollum, are running two-a-days on Spanish Wine Club. McCollum has fashioned himself as the contemporary NBA’s sommelier, and Rubio is for sure the league leader in Spanishness. The two of them gargling Sherry and podcast-yapping aimlessly past one another? What is this, a reboot of Frasier for SLN TV’s original content vertical? Andrew Wiggins as Daphne. Scrambled eggs all over Bobby Portis’ face, and I do fear he will murder me for it.

Warriors
Jimmer Fredette and Matthew Dellavedova in the same backcourt is maximum caucacity. What will the Warriors do next, bleed Oakland dry and move to San Francisco? Talk about White Flight – no, not Mo Speights’ cocaine trio sampler, nor Royce’s short film simulating a panic attack in the style of Charlie Kaufman.

Blazers
The Thomas Robinson Portlandia cameo is inevitable. It will happen every time, across all simulations. But for real, the funniest thing here is Dwight Howard having three children with Fred Armi-sim.



Sonics
The Shins’ cover of “Do the John Wall,” originally composed by Troop 41. Seattle City Council commissioned the hometown band for $2,500 and a per diem for gas.

Clippers
Remember the Derrick Rose pizza at Giordano’s? Polish sausage, hot peppers and onions in deep dish? So good. Derrick is similarly enterprising on this timeline, white-labeling Los Angeles favorites like the Pooh Bowl açai at Alfred’s and the D-Rose Double Ds at Dr. Robert Cohen’s Beverly Hills Plastic Surgery.

Suns
Look, I’m not saying Nikola Jokic’s unique aloofness fits in with any American metro area, but Denver at least has some aesthetic similarities to Eastern Europe. In Phoenix, Jokic is resigned to catching rattlesnakes and ring tossing them like that Ekans minigame in the original Pokemon Stadium. Ekans spelled backward is TYLER.

Mavs
Shoutout Hoff Cuban for putting together a deranged set of characters, but the funniest thing, in perpetuity, will involve the incomparable Hassan Whiteside. CUT TO…THE BEST 11 SECONDS IN DIGITAL TIMESPACE.



Nuggets
Like Thomas Robinson and IFC comedy originals, Steph Curry and Monta Ellis are bound together in all renderings of the universe. In this timeline, Steph is actually the one who gets GIFed for typing at a computer postgame. Coach Kipke told reporters that he was playing Snood.

Grizzlies
Yo, these guys are still in Vancouver? Friggin Scottish Columbia?! They Ellis Islanded CJ Miles and changed his surname to Kilometers in the team media guide. Enes Kanter is a fledgling anarcho-syndicalist. Knock those doors, young man!

Rockets
*Stugotz affect* Rajon Rondo. Bleep. Chris Paul. Bleep. Collision course.

Spurs
In this sim, Tony Parker still cheats on Eva Longoria. But strap in, because here’s where it gets interesting. Tony had been common-law married to simulated Evan Longoria since 2007! At first, the tabloids speculate that he’s expressing his bisexuality. Nah, get this – dude admitted he searched for adultery partners whose name was as similar as possible! Iván Longorría was a Port Arthur pool boy that Tony boinked for two years. Ava Longboobs was a thing for a while. Evan T. Langorian too. Get help, TP.

Timberwolves
Rondo and CP3 are not the only star sim teammates that publicly feuded in real life! Harden and Giannis were fueled by a fundamental disagreement on basketball philosophy and the aesthetic pleasures of the sport we love. In SLN, they’re mad at each other because they both catfished the same romantic partner, Azealia Hanks, Chet’s spunky Black sister.

Kings
There’s a delightful Dallas Mavericks media day photo of Boban Marjanovic eating a basketball. The joke is on all of us, because he is really doing that this season.

IMG_4596.jpeg (188.78 KiB) Viewed 221 times

Boban’s NBA career high is 31; his 2016-17 average is 32.8. Yao (7’6”) and Boban (7’4”) did a Twinz (Deep Cover ‘16) promo, with Yao rapping the Big Pun parts and Boban silently holding up a photo of Fat Joe.

Jazz
Mormon Marvin! MVP! Best true shooting percentage in Utah since that guy who killed Hyrum Smith.

[SWAMP STEVEN]

Will do East later

[Matt]

omg the ekans minigame ahhhhhhhh

[SWAMP STEVEN]

omg the ekans minigame ahhhhhhhh

Second best to the Lickitung sushi game, which I will use in the East column

[Joe]

Grade: 450RP

Quality content bonus: 50RP

Total: 500RP

[SWAMP STEVEN]

This too

[mantypas/CavsCzar]

Need east content