Sauce Castillo On The Side: The 2014 Big Board
Sauce Castillo On The Side: The 2014 Big Board
Sauce Castillo On The Side: The 2014 Big Board
Holy cow this postseason flew by! I’m getting flashbacks to high school of sitting down to write an important paper the night before it was due at 8am, only this time it’s an article for fake basketball that I grade myself for fake money, so it’s way more important.
This draft class really has it all – multiple sure-fire Hall of Famers, unusually-shaped stars, a ton of teenagers with A Potential, and the legend Sim Bhullar, who famously had to have custom toilets installed in his dorm at New Mexico State to be able to handle the rhinoceros-sized poops he would unload in a single sitting. It’s not technically confirmed, but literally Google him and look at the first couple pictures and tell me that doesn’t seem believable. His face even permanently looks like he has to shit. And consider for a moment the amount of Tex Mex he probably had to eat at NMSU dining halls…the guy must have been dropping legit nukes. Truly the stuff of nightmares. Anyways, a big board:
1. Joel Embiid C 7'0'' 280 20 B- B C+ B- B- A
This stipulation was a lot to…process. The prophets have long foretold the second coming of the late great Hakeem Olajuwon, after whom young JoJo modeled his game. There’s also pretty good reason to believe Embiid will be Hakeem O’lyinOnTheGround with a knee injury pretty often. Obviously this won’t matter too much early on (in fact, it’s a benefit) for the inevitable tanker that takes him, but I do love a cryptic Ashes note, and this one was as enigmatic as we’ve seen:
If he plays in the playoffs, I think he’s potentially the most valuable postseason player you could possibly have – Yao won two titles (with relative ease?), Embiid will probably be Yao with more blocks, and the league in its modern era will have fewer big butts than it used to to match up with the big guy. If he doesn’t play in the playoffs…it will be pretty funny tbh.
2. Nikola Jokic SF 6'11'' 284 19 B B A C C+ A
The wait for this draft profile was well worth it. Let’s all take a moment to appreciate that we live in an absolute bizarro world thanks to this guy. I would love to travel back in time to the early 2000s and inform some NBA fans that the best player in the world 20 years from now is an overweight Serbian with chubby cousin arms that can’t jump, doesn’t practice in the offseason and doesn’t particularly give a shit about basketball. Imagine if he cared??? The fact that he’s a teenager with 100 potential is pretty scary; scarier still is that he should pretty quickly get to A/A scoring, which is completely unprecedented at the 5 – I guess he’s like prime Mehmet Okur if Mehmet Okur shot 55% from the field? Feel like even that isn’t doing him justice, I do truly hope he breaks the game.
3. Andrew Wiggins SF 6'7'' 197 19 B+ C+ C- C C- A
Maple Jordan should be worth his weight in sap in SLN. Manages to not have the highest starting Inside in the class due to atmospheric spacecraft Aaron Gordon, though Wiggins should commission plenty of posters in his career. Another 19-year-old starting with what is almost certainly 90s potential, the only thing about him that gives me a little concern is a relatively low Outside game – at SF, he could develop one, or he could not. He'll be stocky, which is a nice luxury at the wing, but I almost think he might be worth converting to SG for camps if you want that jumper to get to a serviceable level.
4. Zach LaVine SG 6'5'' 200 19 B B- C+ C C- A
Teenager after teenager after teenager…feels like I’m at a Lil Uzi Vert concert (editor’s note: walked past Uzi’s set at Coachella this year on my way to see actual music. I was just curious to see what scientists are calling “quite possibly the worst artist alive in the world today” – it was somehow worse. He dressed like sexy George Jetson and carried a diamond purse on stage to distract people from all the muffled shouting into the mic.) Lavine profiles in the Dahntay Jones / Rudy Fernandez mold, plenty of volume to be a number 1 option but not much else on the stat sheet. Historically these fellas have had success, and there really aren’t that many elite 2 guards out there at the moment, so would be a nice grab at 4. If you don’t love his profile, fear not – Bobby will trade for him.
5. Jerami Grant PF 6'7'' 210 20 B- B- C- B- C B
Something about a starting SF with B-/B-/B- ratings for scoring and defense is just so damn sexy. It’s what Josh Howard started with and he’s quietly turned in a real tidy career – I see Grant as providing similar value, snagging that critical block a game at the 3 spot, putting up some solid scoring numbers and not turning it over too much. It concerns me that he’s lacking in the Strength department, so some camps in that area would probably be helpful, as would switching him to SF I’d imagine. Fun fact about Mr. Grant – his middle name is Jerami, and his first name is…HOUSTON??? Such an obvious diamond in the rough candidate for Ashes.
6. Clint Capela C 6'10'' 240 20 B- D+ D+ B- B- B
We keep saying we’re going to run out of Big Butts, and these fellas just keep creeping into the top 10 every year because I’m concerned they’re going extinct. Kinda like every year when I eat nothing but McRibs for an entire month when they show up on the menu because I’m never sure when it’s going to be the last time McDonalds decides to cater to its fattest, most disgusting customers. And then every year those McRibs show up again in November, because McDonalds would be really fucking stupid if it did anything but cater to the fat fucks that pay their bills. The guys with no shame about taking a barbecue sauce bath in their car…somehow there are never enough napkins. I got a little lost here and I don’t know how this analogy applies to SLN anymore, but what I’m trying to say is that Clint Capela is a big butt and I cannot wait for the McRib to be back, because me and Sim Bhullar got something in common. (Editor’s note: Also Shamrock Shakes. Nothing tastes better than the color green).
7. Julius Randle PF 6'8'' 250 20 B- C+ C+ C- B A
Everyone is talking about how this guy has high scouted potential than Embiid, but I’m not totally sure I’m buying his archetype. The owner of one of the greatest and most apt nicknames in NBA history, Dubious Handle may have some trouble hanging onto the basketball. He also literally has the worst defense rating in the draft file, which is something of a first for a guy with a draft profile. That said, there’s no way Ashes didn’t balance that out a bit with the rest of his tools. At the end of the day, he’s probably the second coming of ZBo, down to his elite rebounding, the lefty hook and his generally cantankerous attitude – though Randle will jack a few more 3s and cough it up more than you’d prefer. Probably a good candidate for an early switch to SF before his rebounding gets a little too spicy.
8. Jabari Parker PF 6'8'' 245 19 B- B- C- C C A
One of the saddest real life injury stories (guy retired at age 26 after averaging 39 games a season), and I think that bodes well for him as a sleeper here in the 8 spot. Ashes loves a tale of redemption like Oden, Roy, Livingston, etc, and Parker is blessed to avoid a knee-crippling stipulation like those last two fellas. So he’s gonna probably going to have to be moved to the 3 and perhaps have a little attention paid to his quickness – who cares! Teenager with A scouted potential! Good scoring! As good a basketball name as you could ask for!
9. Aaron Gordon PF 6'8'' 235 19 B+ C+ C C C+ B
Air Gordon is a whole lot more than a 6-time SLN Dunk Contest winner (I’m putting it in writing here so I can shove it in everyone’s face when he wins the 6th one) – he’s actually got a really nice collection of ratings and skills. Blocks at the 3 are one of the most coveted abilities in my book, and his scoring is starting in a pretty solid spot. I’m not super concerned with his positional defense, which is one of only two weaknesses listed on his profile – his real life turnovers are in the manageable range (1.5 for his career), so I can’t imagine his SLN TOs will be abysmal. And, as a teenager, there’s always a chance that B scouted potential ticks up to the A range in his first camp.
10. Marcus Smart PG 6'3'' 220 20 C B- C+ B+ C- B
MAHCUS. SMAHT. I can literally hear Tommy Heinsohn’s voice in my head (RIP) every time I read his name. Picking a defense-first game-manager type point guard (with borderline C-/C+ scoring) in the top 10 isn’t the most exciting decision, but on the right team Smart could definitely thrive. You’re probably going to need to have some volume coming out of your frontcourt, or deploy him as a backup combo guard and let him gobble up steals as part of the second unit, as his high strength should allow him some effectiveness at the 2. He comes with that dawg in him at no extra charge.
11. TJ Warren SF 6'8'' 220 21 B C+ D C+ C B
What would you guess TJ Warren’s career FG% is? Guy plays mostly the 3, shoots a few deep balls, scores on solid volume as he’s usually a 3rd option type guy. TJ Warren is a career 51% shooter from the floor! On 19 pp36! He’s got the 6th highest Inside in the file, behind Jokic and high flyers Wiggins, Gordon and Lavine (also Johnny O’Bryant, wtf), and I don’t think Warren’s rating is too jumping inflated. Guy can flat out score the rock, and has a really nice starting profile to go along with explicit mention of “good upside.” He’s my dark horse to creep up draft boards on the big day, and I think one team will be happy they reached on him.
12. Gary Harris SG 6'4'' 210 20 C+ B C C+ D+ B
Another good upside fella with that coveted “can’t go to the NDL stip,” which he also shares with Warren. Harris kindaaaa has the goods when you look closely – he’s got all the stuff that matters for your SG (great scoring, good handles and steals), he’s just lacking that positional defense and rebounding, which is pretty easy to make up for in the rest of your DC. And, for what it’s worth, that D+ rebounding is technically on the high end of D+. So, basically, he’s perfect!
13. Bogdan Bogdanovic SG 6'5'' 220 22 C+ B+ C C D+ B
Ah yes - the Serb so nice they named him twice...and then they gave him the highest Outside in the draft file! As Jwoo mentioned in his mock draft, there are a whole lotta guys with the “all scoring, no defense” profile in this draft, but not all of them had “very good scoring potential” listed. In fact, just one. And the last wing from the Draft Notes page with that kind of note? Cat Mobley, who reached A+ Outside and 30ppg a few season if I recall correctly. Bogdan will not be bogged down by his lack of defense – he is going to be a bucket getter of the highest caliber.
14. Langston Galloway PG 6'1'' 200 23 C B C B C- B
Some really nice players in this area of the draft – Galloway’s notes are pretty much uniformly positive, with good Outside, good defense, good handles and what appears to be low passing (love a flat C to start!). I really like that strength is mentioned in his profile, which I think is one of the most overlooked attributes at the 1. Galloway’s got a real chance to be the next Troy Hudson if he slips into the NDL zone, just might need a heavy duty juice to his Inside scoring.
15. Kyle Anderson SF 6'9'' 230 21 C+ C+ C+ C+ C+ B
Lots of great options here in the 15 to 20 range, but ultimately went with Slow Mo because there is simply nothing more aesthetically pleasing than a guy with all the same ratings. Granted, the last guy who had this profile was Evan Turner, who has basically been swallowed up by the Free Agent abyss in his short career already, but Anderson should get more stocks and be generally more useful. I also think Turner can’t have benefited from toiling under absentee Pacers management for the beginning of his career and getting next to nothing in RCs – very glad to see an active GM at the helm of our Indiana team these days.
Celtics ah the balls
Sauce Castillo On The Side: The 2014 Big Board
Never heard the name Dubious Handle! Sounds like something Kipke would make up
Sauce Castillo On The Side: The 2014 Big Board
Jabari Parker isn’t retired! Fake news in this big board!
Sauce Castillo On The Side: The 2014 Big Board
Ah fair point I guess he technically played for FC Barcelona last year - but he’s out of the league
Celtics ah the balls
Sauce Castillo On The Side: The 2014 Big Board
Leading a team through the EuroLeague playoffs right now! Smh the disrespect on a son of Chicago
Sauce Castillo On The Side: The 2014 Big Board
But yes I will probably overpay for lavine at some point
Sauce Castillo On The Side: The 2014 Big Board
I’d rather listen to Sim Bhullar annihilate a porta potty
Celtics ah the balls
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