“He’s Built Different, He’s Half-Sport Utility Vehicle” – on the New Regime in Detroit [SwampStoryz Vol. II]

[SWAMP STEVEN]

For years, the Pistons have been suffering from mismanagement and a deeply apathetic front office. Ownership chose to leave the SLN and join the rap group D12 on a non-guaranteed contract. And yet, a talented young roster and brilliant new conservator have the franchise trending upward.

Steven Marks-Prokhorov, senior boobs correspondent for SLN Media

[Vol. 1 can be found here]


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“Mistakes are the portals of discovery” – James Joyce, Ulysses

“David Stern, damn David Stern / I gotta teach you bout the ghetto, some things you should learn” – Ron Artest, “Haterz”

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You can’t understand the Detroit Pistons without first considering Fordism, the 20th-century socioeconomic system eponymized by Henry Ford which, in short, allowed men to make tender love to their cars. Vroom vroom, right fellas!? The Dearborn, Mich. industrialist was what archivists and historians call “a real freaky deeky,” and his penchant for hardcore doing it with automobiles created a diasporic generation of Detroiters that were raised drinking gasoline. As a phenomenon, it was first observed with alacrity by Civil Rights Era activists, who feared the government was breeding anti-human supersoldiers to quell revolutionary movements, or manufacturing excuses to invade oil-rich countries through forever-wars. It flipped to a more positive connotation in the mid 1980s, popularized by Detroit-born actor Tom Selleck drinking his signature “petroleum martini” on the TV program Magnum P.I. In 2001, though, the fallout and legacy of it all is a bit more nuanced.

Avu Chaturvedi parks himself as our interview begins. He wants to be known as a champion, not just as a car-person or as a three-time runner-up in Double Dare 2000. He’s tall and affable, his Victorian-style executive office overlooking Lake St. Clair from the 53rd floor. Detroit-based hip-hop musician Obie Trice is here, aloofly sipping from a sapphire-encrusted cauldron of Capri Sun and tracing his hand on team stationary to resemble the state of Michigan. Executives and assistants shuffle in and out of the office. GM Joe Dumars asks Avu to sign off on a cell phone budget for scouting; when Chaturvedi explains that he’ll just pay for the unlimited plan, Dumars leans in to both of us and whispers, “you boys need to be thinking bigger.”

Born in Saginaw and raised primarily in Bad Axe, Avu relocated down to Detroit in 1995, when he learned of its existence through that “Don’t Stop Believing” song. He came into his vast fortune just two years later, after searching and subsequently downloading “ten billion dollars” on Limewire. When his hometown basketball team suddenly became available, Avu threw his hat in the ring, mostly because it made his scalp itchy. After that, he put up a bid for the Detroit Pistons.

“Do you like this sweater? It’s from the Steve Yzerman Collection,” Chaturvedi beams. “Jeryl Sasser bought it for me over a bet on the mini-links. The trick is to hit it AWAY from the crocodile pirate on the 14th. It looks so so sick, but you have to stay the course and focus on the hole. Jeryl got his shit absolutely pounded on the 14th, bro.”

For the most part, things are off to a tremendous success. Avu’s selection of Zach Randolph is widely considered the best pick of the lottery; the firey Ron Artest and newly-matched restricted free agent Stephen Jackson are increasingly looking like core building blocks; sources say that the team’s braintrust is garnering competitive trade offers for longtime point guard Derek Fisher. And in removing the cantankerous Antoine Walker, the Pistons are finally getting the FOX out of the HenHouse – for the uninitiated, that is one of downtown Detroit’s best strip clubs, and the team didn’t feel comfortable going back there after Walker repeatedly threw tantrums until dancers turned every TV screen to Lou Dobbs.

Several owners across the league have confirmed that previous ownership was interested in having a life outside of a Fast Break Basketball simulation. Chaturvedi, perhaps as means of sending a message to the rest of the league, went and tattooed “P-I-S-T-O-N-S-!” on his knuckles upon learning his ownership bid was accepted. He retroactively named his children “Detroit Basketball – Boy One” and “Detroit Basketball – Girl One.” J Dilla has been brought into The Palace at Auburn Hills as stadium music coordinator. Practices have brought renewed intensity and effort thanks to Chuck Daily, a motivational series in which advisor Charles Barkley berates the entire weight room while eating pudding. Depending on how free agency shakes out, the Pistons will either be nurturing an identity while making space for future drafts, or rejuvenating the product on-the-fly with big names. Either way, the franchise has a new lease on life, because that other document they signed is not legally permissible and is subject to a class-action lawsuit in Florida.

“It’s a new day here,” president of basketball operations Kwame Kilpatrick exclaims. “The previous owner insisted that every day was Tuesday, it’s how he got us to work weekends. Why didn’t we ask more questions about that shit? This new owner, he's built different, he's half-sport utility vehicle.”

The work is still cut out for this young Detroit team, which occupies a brutal division with the defending champion Milwaukee Bucks. The Pistons’ mascot, “Pissy,” tests poorly with just about every demographic. Across the street, Lions quarterback Charlie Batch continues to build elaborate and distracting sex scenes with snowpeople. But there’s an undeniable vibe switch and level of accountability since the transfer of ownership. Jackson and Artest have developed a promising chemistry on the court and a genuine friendship off it: during a game against the Indiana Pacers last year, the young duo ran into the crowd and fought with fans about who had the coolest way to end their secret handshake (a delighted crowd gave it to Artest, who suggested the woogety-woogety-woogety thing from Rocket Power).

In five years of existence, Detroit has yet to qualify for the SLN Playoffs. It ranks 30th in the league in win rating, and almost all of the franchise’s record books are written by malcontent ex-Piston Antoine Walker. The most basketball-related clout in the area actually belongs to Tom Izzo, recent national champion coach at Michigan State who Jay-Z just wrote a song about. Produced by newcomer beatmaker Kanye West, “Izzo” is about things the Pistons don’t know about – vamoosing, hanging out under lamp posts, and generally just being a winner. Avu is trying to change that tune, but it’s super hard to change the tune of a song that you don’t have the rights to, and also the tune Jay came up with is really good. Regardless, there’s nowhere to go but up for the Pistons in year one of its new regime.

“If you think about it, one season here is really like 32 days. By that logic, we can cover more than a decade in just one year. We need to do everything like that, because Detroit Basketball – Boy One chose the goddamn trombone for school instrument and I need this phase to end as soon as possible, good God. He keeps dropping it, like why would you pick the heaviest instrument to support with your shitty little body? The wife thinks it’s good for him. Come on. I swear, everything else in my life is perfect, but you get me going on this, oh buddy, I won’t stop.”