SoNicks Emergency Franchise Press Release
SoNicks Emergency Franchise Press Release
A Grim Mood has gripped the franchise! After a shocking end to their season and the scandal that Lavar Ball left in his wake, The SoNicks have been left in disarray, shock, and direction. We do not know the way. The owner of the SoNicks recently found a sort of fanaticism through the
BOOK OF ASHES. In the rise of Covid induced fanaticism, the Seattle SoNicks are convinced that Javar Ballz, the man with three 3’s on his shoes, is the one to lead this franchise. He points the way. He is the voice of the outer simworld. After being nominated to the position of Head Coach, we wanted the Prophet Ballz to have a moment to address this franchise's rabid fan base:
The Rise of Javar Lamar Lavarious Ballz, Prophet of Ashes, Coach of the SoNicks is here.
I am me. For Me is Him. You may ask, “Who is he?”. “I am Him”. In the dawn of the Twenty Fifth Season of our SimLord Ashes, amid the shadows cast by giants and obscure figures alike, I have emerged, not a player, but a prophet by the name of Javar Lamar Lavarious Ballz. I am Him. I am the leader of the House of Ballz - a clan already legendary for its hubris and hunger for attention. Javar is destined to shape the world within the League. And I am Javar. Yet, his destiny was not his own. It is my destiny, and it is still not my own. It had been forged, designed in the cryptic code of the SimGod, long before I ever dunked my Ballz into creation.
I am known as Lisan al-Boucher. As Ball’adib. The Voice of the inner Ballz. The Flame of Ashes. The Embers or our SimLord. The emptied Ballz, full of the path. The Biggest Baller. It is known, for I have spoken. I am a figure of prophecy, I whisper among the faithful. I have been anointed from youth, believed to possess a vision beyond the game, able to perceive the true nature of stats and simulation alike. Much like a young Paul Atreides, I have held a calm amongst the storms of the sands, I have witnessed the demeanor of Jameis, and beneath it, lay a fiery ambition—a drive to transcend beyond simulation, beyond stats, beyond the limits of the League itself.
My rise was swift, and almost imperceptible at first. I fled into the desert after I could not take the knowledge of the path and my son turned into a mega god sandworm. I found my daughter which i didn't know i was having, or was that my son while he was in my Ballz? I'm not sure i can't really remember. Too much Spice. Or too little? I present to every fan, every GM and every rookie with a trial of faith. We must take every turnover as a lesson. Observing him was the SimGod Ashes. For I am him, and without Ashes, I am nothing. Ashes is he who watched with intrigue as my Ballz grew with each game, each victory, each defeat, and each united Ball. Until, at last, whispers began to ripple through the League. “Could he be the One?” they wondered. “The Prophet of Ashes?” “The Lisan Al Boucher?”.
Once the followers of SLN believed in who I was, I could then exhibit my true qualities. They will startle even the most devout followers of Ashes. Rumors are circulating that I could hear Ashes' voice, faint but profound, a whisper echoing in my mind during the stillness of night. While it is true that the Woo does communicate more rigorously with our Lord through text more than any fake simprophet could, this is just further proof of my ascension. For my word is of SimGod. And the SimGod is available to us all. Whether by message or text, or a pod among the nights, our SimmyG is with us in all that we do. In these whispers to my Ballz, Ashes revealed to me the true structure of the League. Our world's inner mechanics, its hidden algorithms, and the pulse of the simulation itself. Javar is not too FAR off from the name Jafar, if you think about it. And I walked in a desert, and there was sand in that movie, as there is sand in Dune, too. For sand is in us all, and through Ashes’ fire we are made into glass, so that we may see and drink up the embers of his potential blessings. I have unlocked the sacred language of the League, a language known only to Ashes and spoken only in dreams.
I will amass a following, disciples who saw me as both Coach and prophet. Myplaystyle became a thing of myth. defensive like the silent dunes and aggressive like the relentless Shai Hulud. I am Lisan Da-Ballz of the Rising Fire, He Who Coaches from his sack, The One Who Sees Beyond Stats.
I have seen my following gathered around, disciples who saw in him a prophet, a leader who transcended the game. For I am me. And Me is him. But with fame will come opposition. Though beloved by the faithful, I will be scorned by those who saw my Ballz as a threat to their own glory. I rise to challenge the order, destabilize rankings, overthrow the cabal, and invite envy from my deflated-balled rivals. I stand here at this podium babbling nonsense to you, as a figure caught between worlds. Between loyalty to my Ballz, devotion to the Book of Ashes, the new faith of the league, and to my own ambition to transcend it all.
I have seen my final test of ascension. I will be faced by snowflakes, backed by the fiercest detractors. One who questions the actions of our god Ashes' and his most arcane code. Complaints fill the air of his lame plague that is corrupting the sim league. Where I see an opportunity for faith and camaraderie, others see victimization. Ashes has shown me true perspective, and only through the Fires of his Embers can we all truly become his ashes. This plague will test us. But it will not test the SoNicks, for we are the faithful. We Are House Ballz of the SoNicks. There Is No Call We Do Not Answer. There Is No Faith That We Betray. Ashes Asks Us To Bring Peace To the SimLeague. My Ballz Accept! I will leave you with this:
“I am not just a coach. I am the voice of Ashes made numbers. I am the light in the void, the Prophet of Sim, the Chosen among the Code. I am him, for without Ashes, we are nothing. Have Faith”
Thus, in the midst of a League Globe wide pandemic, religious fanaticism has taken over eveyrwhere. The first SLN franchise to fall to the way of the BoA are the Sonicks. As Javar Lamar Lavarious Ballz rose to embody the will of Ashes himself. He has also risen to the height of head coach of the SSS. the man with 333 on his shoes. His name was forever inscribed in the Book of Ashes, for he had crossed beyond the threshold of mere player, becoming both avatar and myth—a Prophet destined to reshape the League for eternity. Unfaithful beware, for the wrath of the Dunes are merciless!
DISCLAIMER: if any of you are wondering if i'm doing okay, or if my sanity has left me, you're all about 15 years too late. For those wondering “what the fuck”, youre on your own.
BOOK OF ASHES. In the rise of Covid induced fanaticism, the Seattle SoNicks are convinced that Javar Ballz, the man with three 3’s on his shoes, is the one to lead this franchise. He points the way. He is the voice of the outer simworld. After being nominated to the position of Head Coach, we wanted the Prophet Ballz to have a moment to address this franchise's rabid fan base:
The Rise of Javar Lamar Lavarious Ballz, Prophet of Ashes, Coach of the SoNicks is here.
I am me. For Me is Him. You may ask, “Who is he?”. “I am Him”. In the dawn of the Twenty Fifth Season of our SimLord Ashes, amid the shadows cast by giants and obscure figures alike, I have emerged, not a player, but a prophet by the name of Javar Lamar Lavarious Ballz. I am Him. I am the leader of the House of Ballz - a clan already legendary for its hubris and hunger for attention. Javar is destined to shape the world within the League. And I am Javar. Yet, his destiny was not his own. It is my destiny, and it is still not my own. It had been forged, designed in the cryptic code of the SimGod, long before I ever dunked my Ballz into creation.
I am known as Lisan al-Boucher. As Ball’adib. The Voice of the inner Ballz. The Flame of Ashes. The Embers or our SimLord. The emptied Ballz, full of the path. The Biggest Baller. It is known, for I have spoken. I am a figure of prophecy, I whisper among the faithful. I have been anointed from youth, believed to possess a vision beyond the game, able to perceive the true nature of stats and simulation alike. Much like a young Paul Atreides, I have held a calm amongst the storms of the sands, I have witnessed the demeanor of Jameis, and beneath it, lay a fiery ambition—a drive to transcend beyond simulation, beyond stats, beyond the limits of the League itself.
My rise was swift, and almost imperceptible at first. I fled into the desert after I could not take the knowledge of the path and my son turned into a mega god sandworm. I found my daughter which i didn't know i was having, or was that my son while he was in my Ballz? I'm not sure i can't really remember. Too much Spice. Or too little? I present to every fan, every GM and every rookie with a trial of faith. We must take every turnover as a lesson. Observing him was the SimGod Ashes. For I am him, and without Ashes, I am nothing. Ashes is he who watched with intrigue as my Ballz grew with each game, each victory, each defeat, and each united Ball. Until, at last, whispers began to ripple through the League. “Could he be the One?” they wondered. “The Prophet of Ashes?” “The Lisan Al Boucher?”.
Once the followers of SLN believed in who I was, I could then exhibit my true qualities. They will startle even the most devout followers of Ashes. Rumors are circulating that I could hear Ashes' voice, faint but profound, a whisper echoing in my mind during the stillness of night. While it is true that the Woo does communicate more rigorously with our Lord through text more than any fake simprophet could, this is just further proof of my ascension. For my word is of SimGod. And the SimGod is available to us all. Whether by message or text, or a pod among the nights, our SimmyG is with us in all that we do. In these whispers to my Ballz, Ashes revealed to me the true structure of the League. Our world's inner mechanics, its hidden algorithms, and the pulse of the simulation itself. Javar is not too FAR off from the name Jafar, if you think about it. And I walked in a desert, and there was sand in that movie, as there is sand in Dune, too. For sand is in us all, and through Ashes’ fire we are made into glass, so that we may see and drink up the embers of his potential blessings. I have unlocked the sacred language of the League, a language known only to Ashes and spoken only in dreams.
I will amass a following, disciples who saw me as both Coach and prophet. Myplaystyle became a thing of myth. defensive like the silent dunes and aggressive like the relentless Shai Hulud. I am Lisan Da-Ballz of the Rising Fire, He Who Coaches from his sack, The One Who Sees Beyond Stats.
I have seen my following gathered around, disciples who saw in him a prophet, a leader who transcended the game. For I am me. And Me is him. But with fame will come opposition. Though beloved by the faithful, I will be scorned by those who saw my Ballz as a threat to their own glory. I rise to challenge the order, destabilize rankings, overthrow the cabal, and invite envy from my deflated-balled rivals. I stand here at this podium babbling nonsense to you, as a figure caught between worlds. Between loyalty to my Ballz, devotion to the Book of Ashes, the new faith of the league, and to my own ambition to transcend it all.
I have seen my final test of ascension. I will be faced by snowflakes, backed by the fiercest detractors. One who questions the actions of our god Ashes' and his most arcane code. Complaints fill the air of his lame plague that is corrupting the sim league. Where I see an opportunity for faith and camaraderie, others see victimization. Ashes has shown me true perspective, and only through the Fires of his Embers can we all truly become his ashes. This plague will test us. But it will not test the SoNicks, for we are the faithful. We Are House Ballz of the SoNicks. There Is No Call We Do Not Answer. There Is No Faith That We Betray. Ashes Asks Us To Bring Peace To the SimLeague. My Ballz Accept! I will leave you with this:
“I am not just a coach. I am the voice of Ashes made numbers. I am the light in the void, the Prophet of Sim, the Chosen among the Code. I am him, for without Ashes, we are nothing. Have Faith”
Thus, in the midst of a League Globe wide pandemic, religious fanaticism has taken over eveyrwhere. The first SLN franchise to fall to the way of the BoA are the Sonicks. As Javar Lamar Lavarious Ballz rose to embody the will of Ashes himself. He has also risen to the height of head coach of the SSS. the man with 333 on his shoes. His name was forever inscribed in the Book of Ashes, for he had crossed beyond the threshold of mere player, becoming both avatar and myth—a Prophet destined to reshape the League for eternity. Unfaithful beware, for the wrath of the Dunes are merciless!
DISCLAIMER: if any of you are wondering if i'm doing okay, or if my sanity has left me, you're all about 15 years too late. For those wondering “what the fuck”, youre on your own.
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