Farmar’s Market: The 2006 Big Board
Farmar’s Market: The 2006 Big Board
Farmar’s Market: The 2006 Big Board
Many remember 2006 as the year America’s Vice President blasted a 78-year-old campaign contributor in the face with birdshot because he thought he was a quail. Or maybe because the Dems were fighting Medicare reform and this was one of the tough choices Cheney felt our country would have to start making for the elderly.
Either way, I’m sure ashes was wishing he was on the other end of that Remington while he was forced to assemble this draft file of misfit toys. Lemme tell ya, I certainly would have preferred a shotgun blast in the face to sifting through all the shitpost comments from Hoff on these draft profiles. Seamless transition, Joe, excellent work. Big Board time.
1. Brandon Roy SG 6'6'' 215 22 B B B B C B
What a stip. I mean, who WOULDN’T want horrible daily anxiety for the next 10 seasons? The last time a guy’s draft profile had “no weaknesses,” it was Manu Ginobili, so BRoy gets himself the top spot. Then again, if you draft him, you (fittingly) get to live out the Blips and Chitz Rick and Morty episode where Morty plays the VR game “Roy: A Life Well Lived.” Your goal is to try to keep Roy alive as long as possible and achieve professional success, but random unpredictable shit is going to happen - Roy might fall off a ladder reaching for that off-white Persian rug and tear his ACL, and then it’s game over. The first rule of drafting this guy is, you NEVER go back to the carpet store.
2. Kyle Lowry PG 6'0'' 196 20 C+ B- C+ B- C A
My man’s flop package is deeper than anyone’s in history. That’s why his ass is so big – his body has evolved additional padding over years of throwing himself on the floor every time someone breathes in his general direction. Unfortunately, the dearth of any truly viable superstars in this draft means I gotta give the #2 spot to a potato with legs. Though he’ll be slower and have better handles, my guess is statistically he’ll end up looking a good bit like Baron Davis. Or more accurately, like the guy that ate Baron Davis. I hope he sucks and retires by age 26.
3. Rudy Gay SF 6'8'' 250 20 B C+ C B- C+ A
Rudy’s Twitter buzz around draft time probably got buried behind the headline story of Lance Bass coming out in the summer of 2006 (damn SEO) - still, he’s got all the makings of a stud wing. His defense is already bordering on flat B, and with low positional defense mentioned in his profile, I’m guessing he’s gonna be stocky as all get out. His super high Inside at draft is definitely harboring a bit of jumping, but wings that have both high strength and quickness seem to have pretty consistent success.
4. LaMarcus Aldridge PF 6'11'' 250 21 B- C C B C+ A
Pull up Aldridge and Bosh’s profiles next to eachother. When you look at the notes, the starting ratings, and the fact that both careers were ended by weird cardiac shit, it makes me start to think we’ve got some kinda Tyler Durden situation on our hands. If he’s Kirkland-brand Bosh, that might make you think he should go higher in this star-less draft. Then again, let’s take a closer look at what CB is REALLY doing this year…solid rebounding, okay 2:1 stock to TO, but moderately detrimental offense. Not to say Bosh is a finished product, but if Aldridge is a slightly poopier version of him with less potential, it might be tricky to get the most out of him. Still, he should be more than useful no matter what.
5. Renaldo Balkman SF 6'8'' 208 22 C+ D+ D- B+ B- B
I think Balkman is what Tyler HOPED he was getting when he drafted Darius Miles back in 2000 (RIP). Starting with borderline A- defense and B- rebounding, he’s got the biggest SF butt at a draft since Christian Braun’s mom (IYKYK). The rub is, if you start him at the SF, you’d better have some efficient scoring in your frontcourt or your team is going to be offensively anemic…BUT(T), I think there’s a reasonable chance he becomes the most valuable backup 3-4-5 in the league, or just an elite PF. If I’m honest, I felt it move a little bit when I read “excellent steals and very good shot blocking.”
6. Paul Millsap PF 6'7'' 257 21 B C C B B- B
Just like in real life, absolutely nothing to complain about in Millsap’s skillset - there has simply not been a more boring All Star in NBA history. Just a complete snoozefest of consistent, efficient production. I don’t mind his B- rebounding, I think we’ve seen plenty of solid board men start around there, and he should have some quality potential in the tank. Whether he scores efficiently may depend on how he gets camped, but I could definitely see him filling the mold of prime Joe MF Smith by the time he’s fully formed.
7. Marc Gasol C 6'11'' 255 22 B- C C+ B+ C+ A
About 75% of his brother’s talent and 65% of LaMarcus Aldridge’s name, Gasol feels like a high floor, low-ceiling type pick. It worries me a hair that he’s got high passing (and no mention of great handles), and his C+ Rebounding borders on C, but there’s also plenty to like. Super high strength is critical for effective big men, and his B- inside borders on B, which is exceptionally high for a big on draft day. I would also wager that based on his body type, which could be at best be described as “doughy” and at worst be described as “the entire bakery,” he has exactly zero jumping in that near-B rating. Supercamp his rebounding and you got yourself a quality starter.
8. Andrea Bargnani C 7'0'' 245 21 B- B C- C C B
Despite being softer than an overcooked ravioli (and setting the international player community back decades by being a caricature of European basketball), for the five minutes a game he tried hard, BarnYardi had the absolute SAUCE. Is he a no-rebound-grabbing, no-defense-having, human embodiment of a cigarette? Probably. But if you think of him as a SF and not a C, his borderline C+ defense doesn’t look so bad, and his solid strength, handles and blocks should give him viable stock:TO to go along with some sexual starting scoring ratings. Fuck, the more I think about it the more I want him higher on this list.
9. Rodney Carney SF 6'7'' 205 22 C+ B- D+ B C+ B
Carney gets the coveted Tyrone Nesby Memorial award for a guy who was a nameless journeyman shlamiel in the NBA but has the magical recipe of stuff to be a total stud in FBB. High steals, good handles, strong, good jumpshot and rebounding. The rest of his ratings could be literal shit from a butt and I would probably still take this guy in the lottery. Juice his Inside in camps and watch him go!
10. Patrick O’Bryant C 7'0'' 260 20 C D+ D+ B B- C
Just a good old-fashioned big butt, as trusty as they come. Strong, rebounds, blocks shots, never even thinks about shooting it when the ball comes his way. Despite having seen him play in real life for the Celtics, the fact that he is a humongous black man instead of a 3’6” ginger Leprechaun always throws me off when I see his name.
11. Randy Foye SG 6'4'' 213 23 C+ B C+ C+ C- B
I will forever love Randy Foye, as the Foye/Roy Timberwolves debacle is the reason the Celtics won in 08…there is zero chance KG asks to get traded to Boston if he’s got Brandon Roy next to him. Foye, although he may not have been much of a sidekick to the Ticket, should find a nice role in SLN with his quality starting ratings and excellent notes. Good strength and high scoring ratings at the wing means his volume could end up elite if he gets the right dice rolls. Being able to play the 1 is a nice little bonus, probably worth rolling him out there a few times for shits and gigs.
12. Lou Amundson PF 6'9'' 220 24 C D- D+ B- B- B
Side note: watch that video and tell me how has Sweden not bombed us yet for this depiction of their culture.
13. Rajon Rondo PG 6'1'' 180 20 C+ C- B+ B+ C+ A
Oh Rajon. FBB is going to do you so so dirty and that makes me a sad panda, lemme tell ya. I want him to be an elite PG in our league so badly, but Weston may have hit the nail on the head – if you go back and look, his ratings and profile look almost exactly like Brevin Knight’s, except his Outside is worse (good lord, HOW) and his rebounding is a lot better. All of that said, I will eat my Celtics hat if he doesn’t have WAY more potential than Brevin fucking Knight – he’s the top guy listed when you sort by scouted potential! PGs are known to do crazy things in TC when they’ve got that, so I’m holding out hope some mad scientist GM figures out a way to make him playable. The one thing I'm certain of is that The Stockton Kangz will manage to trade him for way more than he's worth at some point.
14. CJ Watson PG 6'2'' 175 22 C B- C+ B D+ C
Watson probably isn’t much of anything on offense, but if he gets some NDL potential boosts and a supercamp to his Inside I think his base ratings are good enough to make him a starter. He’s got B- Outside bordering on B, flat-B Defense bordering on B+ and then the trifecta of good handles, quickness and steals to go with a strong Outside foundation. C Potential could stall his growth, but it’s never a bad idea to take a flier on a well-rounded PG prospect and hope he pops.
15. Adam Morrison SF 6'8'' 205 22 B B+ D+ D+ C+ B
You want to know how stupid I am? When I read his Defense rating, I literally thought “but what if it’s on the high end of the D+ guys?” and went to sort the draft file like a complete jackass. Of course there’s no other player within two grades of this human traffic cone. Whatever kind of BALCO product you try to inject into Rondo’s Outside game, you may have to do the same for Morrison’s defense, because as awesome as his scoring ratings are, there is no competing GM who would ever give Richie Frahm meaningful playing time. If Morrison can luck into C or C+ defense with some camps, he'll have a shot at being a rotation guy…otherwise I think he’s pretty much on your roster so that you can write funny articles about how many offensive records are set by guys he guards.
Many remember 2006 as the year America’s Vice President blasted a 78-year-old campaign contributor in the face with birdshot because he thought he was a quail. Or maybe because the Dems were fighting Medicare reform and this was one of the tough choices Cheney felt our country would have to start making for the elderly.
Either way, I’m sure ashes was wishing he was on the other end of that Remington while he was forced to assemble this draft file of misfit toys. Lemme tell ya, I certainly would have preferred a shotgun blast in the face to sifting through all the shitpost comments from Hoff on these draft profiles. Seamless transition, Joe, excellent work. Big Board time.
1. Brandon Roy SG 6'6'' 215 22 B B B B C B
What a stip. I mean, who WOULDN’T want horrible daily anxiety for the next 10 seasons? The last time a guy’s draft profile had “no weaknesses,” it was Manu Ginobili, so BRoy gets himself the top spot. Then again, if you draft him, you (fittingly) get to live out the Blips and Chitz Rick and Morty episode where Morty plays the VR game “Roy: A Life Well Lived.” Your goal is to try to keep Roy alive as long as possible and achieve professional success, but random unpredictable shit is going to happen - Roy might fall off a ladder reaching for that off-white Persian rug and tear his ACL, and then it’s game over. The first rule of drafting this guy is, you NEVER go back to the carpet store.
2. Kyle Lowry PG 6'0'' 196 20 C+ B- C+ B- C A
My man’s flop package is deeper than anyone’s in history. That’s why his ass is so big – his body has evolved additional padding over years of throwing himself on the floor every time someone breathes in his general direction. Unfortunately, the dearth of any truly viable superstars in this draft means I gotta give the #2 spot to a potato with legs. Though he’ll be slower and have better handles, my guess is statistically he’ll end up looking a good bit like Baron Davis. Or more accurately, like the guy that ate Baron Davis. I hope he sucks and retires by age 26.
3. Rudy Gay SF 6'8'' 250 20 B C+ C B- C+ A
Rudy’s Twitter buzz around draft time probably got buried behind the headline story of Lance Bass coming out in the summer of 2006 (damn SEO) - still, he’s got all the makings of a stud wing. His defense is already bordering on flat B, and with low positional defense mentioned in his profile, I’m guessing he’s gonna be stocky as all get out. His super high Inside at draft is definitely harboring a bit of jumping, but wings that have both high strength and quickness seem to have pretty consistent success.
4. LaMarcus Aldridge PF 6'11'' 250 21 B- C C B C+ A
Pull up Aldridge and Bosh’s profiles next to eachother. When you look at the notes, the starting ratings, and the fact that both careers were ended by weird cardiac shit, it makes me start to think we’ve got some kinda Tyler Durden situation on our hands. If he’s Kirkland-brand Bosh, that might make you think he should go higher in this star-less draft. Then again, let’s take a closer look at what CB is REALLY doing this year…solid rebounding, okay 2:1 stock to TO, but moderately detrimental offense. Not to say Bosh is a finished product, but if Aldridge is a slightly poopier version of him with less potential, it might be tricky to get the most out of him. Still, he should be more than useful no matter what.
5. Renaldo Balkman SF 6'8'' 208 22 C+ D+ D- B+ B- B
I think Balkman is what Tyler HOPED he was getting when he drafted Darius Miles back in 2000 (RIP). Starting with borderline A- defense and B- rebounding, he’s got the biggest SF butt at a draft since Christian Braun’s mom (IYKYK). The rub is, if you start him at the SF, you’d better have some efficient scoring in your frontcourt or your team is going to be offensively anemic…BUT(T), I think there’s a reasonable chance he becomes the most valuable backup 3-4-5 in the league, or just an elite PF. If I’m honest, I felt it move a little bit when I read “excellent steals and very good shot blocking.”
6. Paul Millsap PF 6'7'' 257 21 B C C B B- B
Just like in real life, absolutely nothing to complain about in Millsap’s skillset - there has simply not been a more boring All Star in NBA history. Just a complete snoozefest of consistent, efficient production. I don’t mind his B- rebounding, I think we’ve seen plenty of solid board men start around there, and he should have some quality potential in the tank. Whether he scores efficiently may depend on how he gets camped, but I could definitely see him filling the mold of prime Joe MF Smith by the time he’s fully formed.
7. Marc Gasol C 6'11'' 255 22 B- C C+ B+ C+ A
About 75% of his brother’s talent and 65% of LaMarcus Aldridge’s name, Gasol feels like a high floor, low-ceiling type pick. It worries me a hair that he’s got high passing (and no mention of great handles), and his C+ Rebounding borders on C, but there’s also plenty to like. Super high strength is critical for effective big men, and his B- inside borders on B, which is exceptionally high for a big on draft day. I would also wager that based on his body type, which could be at best be described as “doughy” and at worst be described as “the entire bakery,” he has exactly zero jumping in that near-B rating. Supercamp his rebounding and you got yourself a quality starter.
8. Andrea Bargnani C 7'0'' 245 21 B- B C- C C B
Despite being softer than an overcooked ravioli (and setting the international player community back decades by being a caricature of European basketball), for the five minutes a game he tried hard, BarnYardi had the absolute SAUCE. Is he a no-rebound-grabbing, no-defense-having, human embodiment of a cigarette? Probably. But if you think of him as a SF and not a C, his borderline C+ defense doesn’t look so bad, and his solid strength, handles and blocks should give him viable stock:TO to go along with some sexual starting scoring ratings. Fuck, the more I think about it the more I want him higher on this list.
9. Rodney Carney SF 6'7'' 205 22 C+ B- D+ B C+ B
Carney gets the coveted Tyrone Nesby Memorial award for a guy who was a nameless journeyman shlamiel in the NBA but has the magical recipe of stuff to be a total stud in FBB. High steals, good handles, strong, good jumpshot and rebounding. The rest of his ratings could be literal shit from a butt and I would probably still take this guy in the lottery. Juice his Inside in camps and watch him go!
10. Patrick O’Bryant C 7'0'' 260 20 C D+ D+ B B- C
Just a good old-fashioned big butt, as trusty as they come. Strong, rebounds, blocks shots, never even thinks about shooting it when the ball comes his way. Despite having seen him play in real life for the Celtics, the fact that he is a humongous black man instead of a 3’6” ginger Leprechaun always throws me off when I see his name.
11. Randy Foye SG 6'4'' 213 23 C+ B C+ C+ C- B
I will forever love Randy Foye, as the Foye/Roy Timberwolves debacle is the reason the Celtics won in 08…there is zero chance KG asks to get traded to Boston if he’s got Brandon Roy next to him. Foye, although he may not have been much of a sidekick to the Ticket, should find a nice role in SLN with his quality starting ratings and excellent notes. Good strength and high scoring ratings at the wing means his volume could end up elite if he gets the right dice rolls. Being able to play the 1 is a nice little bonus, probably worth rolling him out there a few times for shits and gigs.
12. Lou Amundson PF 6'9'' 220 24 C D- D+ B- B- B
Side note: watch that video and tell me how has Sweden not bombed us yet for this depiction of their culture.
13. Rajon Rondo PG 6'1'' 180 20 C+ C- B+ B+ C+ A
Oh Rajon. FBB is going to do you so so dirty and that makes me a sad panda, lemme tell ya. I want him to be an elite PG in our league so badly, but Weston may have hit the nail on the head – if you go back and look, his ratings and profile look almost exactly like Brevin Knight’s, except his Outside is worse (good lord, HOW) and his rebounding is a lot better. All of that said, I will eat my Celtics hat if he doesn’t have WAY more potential than Brevin fucking Knight – he’s the top guy listed when you sort by scouted potential! PGs are known to do crazy things in TC when they’ve got that, so I’m holding out hope some mad scientist GM figures out a way to make him playable. The one thing I'm certain of is that The Stockton Kangz will manage to trade him for way more than he's worth at some point.
14. CJ Watson PG 6'2'' 175 22 C B- C+ B D+ C
Watson probably isn’t much of anything on offense, but if he gets some NDL potential boosts and a supercamp to his Inside I think his base ratings are good enough to make him a starter. He’s got B- Outside bordering on B, flat-B Defense bordering on B+ and then the trifecta of good handles, quickness and steals to go with a strong Outside foundation. C Potential could stall his growth, but it’s never a bad idea to take a flier on a well-rounded PG prospect and hope he pops.
15. Adam Morrison SF 6'8'' 205 22 B B+ D+ D+ C+ B
You want to know how stupid I am? When I read his Defense rating, I literally thought “but what if it’s on the high end of the D+ guys?” and went to sort the draft file like a complete jackass. Of course there’s no other player within two grades of this human traffic cone. Whatever kind of BALCO product you try to inject into Rondo’s Outside game, you may have to do the same for Morrison’s defense, because as awesome as his scoring ratings are, there is no competing GM who would ever give Richie Frahm meaningful playing time. If Morrison can luck into C or C+ defense with some camps, he'll have a shot at being a rotation guy…otherwise I think he’s pretty much on your roster so that you can write funny articles about how many offensive records are set by guys he guards.
Celtics ah the balls
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