The Tree of (Sim) Life: Comparing Branches
The Tree of (Sim) Life: Comparing Branches
THE TREE OF (SIM) LIFE: COMPARING BRANCHES
A TREE IS PLANTED:
As we all well know, Skillz played this game from the early years of junior high, back when Geocities were a thing (still have absolutely zero idea what these are but Ashes talks about them like they are prehistoric). Skillz had a passion for basketball and quantitive analysis came naturally to the 12 year old. Skillz dominated much older men in sim ball on said geocities. But Skillz was lonely. He had no one in his real life that he could talk to about his newfound love and hobby. Skillz wanted to talk about all of his new sons he picked up in the late first round and early second that had little or no notes at all but would lead his team to multiple titles. How fun is winning sim ball if there is no one to share your success with?
A BRANCH IS GROWN:
Riddle me this? If a tree is dominant but has no branches, is it a tree at all? The classic age old paradox about trees we all know. This paradox and puberty both rattled Skillz' adolescent brain. He set off on a journey to grow branches. Not just any branches - these branches mustn't bring shame to the Skillz' name many random strangers on the internet feared. Skillz knew there was one place in the world where he could find a place to grow a branch. You guessed it?!! Skillz went to journalism summer camp at the prestigious Northwestern University where he met Kipke. After a few years of a blossoming friendship, Skillz had the courage to share his hobby with his friend Kipke. Kipke was offended it had taken this long for Skillz to open up! Kipke also has a deep passion for sports and quantitive analysis! The two set out on a new mission to dominate online forums -- not as adversaries -- but as a Tree and a Branch.
A FEW MORE BRANCHES ARE GROWN:
Skillz and Kipke had won many titles between the two but there was still a sour taste in their mouth after every title. At one point Kipke said "Hey Skillz, its fun being a branch but honestly these random internet strangers are quite toxic in this SLOR Forest. When I look down at our roots, I see poisonous pesticides that are not fit for trees to succeed. I went to college at an Ivy League school where people love quantitative analysis and I joined a fraternity where people love sports. I have a friend who is very good at all games! He is good at playing basketball both on the court and in video games, I am sure he would be a good branch to fend off these internet toxins that our corroding our roots!" And just like that Matt joins the sim world.
When the Penn SAEs found out that Matt and David had a new hobby, they all wanted to join in on the fun. Soon enough, Nav, Derek, and Joe would all be branches on Skillz' tree. Phi Alpha, brother.
A LOT MORE BRANCHES ARE GROWN AND NIRVANA IS INCEPTED:
Skillz, Kipke, Matt, Nav, Derek, and Joe had taken turns winning titles in SLOR. However climbing the peak of the mountain isn't all that fun when you haven't erased the toxic problem eating away your roots. These new branches had done a good job of pruning the weeds in the soil but they hadn't de-rooted anything. There was still this colossal douchebag named Stevie in SLOR that was sucking all the joy out of the hobby. Skillz and the 5 branches decided to start a new forest. It wasn't going to be like the old forest of SLOR, there would be one rule to rule them all: "DON'T BE A DICK"
How would the Skillz tree be able to go to a new forest? Trees cannot walk, you know. Skillz prayed to the tree gods every night for at least a year before one god answered the call.
"Skillz, it is me: Ashes"
"Oh no, I am way too young to burn down - I am just a tree trying to eliminate poison! What did I do wrong???"
**after a baritone chuckle** "Oh Skillz - Ashes is just my internet pseudonym. My name is Ryan and I am not here to burn you down. I am here to move you to a new forest called Nirvana - where there are no dicks and everyone is friendly and awesome"
"Nirvana, you say? But how will I convince my branches that this place is a good thing for us to do?"
"Well, Skillz, tell them that 4 of you 6 will be getting the a top 6 pick in the creation draft and there will be an obvious fall off in the draft after #6."
"Ok, Ashes! That will undoubtedly convince them!"
NIRVANA IN FULL BLOSSOM:
Alright so that was a fun little intro while I am lost in the sauce on a cross country flight. I present to you a comparison of tree branches!
Note: Although Jesse and Jordo are life long friends, I claimed him as part of Kipke's!
another note: I know teams have changed hands, this was hard to account for so you and your tree dad inherited the full history of the org!
Note: I have Hoff as a sub tree under Josh but he is in Jesse's for this analysis. Same with Tonger and Ralph/Josh -- lumped into Jesses!
Here is a snapshot of the historical performance by branch:
Key findings:
Highest winning % - Jesse
Most average playoffs - Jesse
Most finals appearance - Jesse
Most titles - Kipke
Biggest branch - Matt
Looks like Skillz hasn't lost his fastball through all these years and has developed the most successful tree if you exclude the most important metric - RINGS.
Fun fact: The average Jesse branch is basically Derek.
Hope this brings some joy heading into the weekend and happy 2 year anniversary!
A TREE IS PLANTED:
As we all well know, Skillz played this game from the early years of junior high, back when Geocities were a thing (still have absolutely zero idea what these are but Ashes talks about them like they are prehistoric). Skillz had a passion for basketball and quantitive analysis came naturally to the 12 year old. Skillz dominated much older men in sim ball on said geocities. But Skillz was lonely. He had no one in his real life that he could talk to about his newfound love and hobby. Skillz wanted to talk about all of his new sons he picked up in the late first round and early second that had little or no notes at all but would lead his team to multiple titles. How fun is winning sim ball if there is no one to share your success with?
A BRANCH IS GROWN:
Riddle me this? If a tree is dominant but has no branches, is it a tree at all? The classic age old paradox about trees we all know. This paradox and puberty both rattled Skillz' adolescent brain. He set off on a journey to grow branches. Not just any branches - these branches mustn't bring shame to the Skillz' name many random strangers on the internet feared. Skillz knew there was one place in the world where he could find a place to grow a branch. You guessed it?!! Skillz went to journalism summer camp at the prestigious Northwestern University where he met Kipke. After a few years of a blossoming friendship, Skillz had the courage to share his hobby with his friend Kipke. Kipke was offended it had taken this long for Skillz to open up! Kipke also has a deep passion for sports and quantitive analysis! The two set out on a new mission to dominate online forums -- not as adversaries -- but as a Tree and a Branch.
A FEW MORE BRANCHES ARE GROWN:
Skillz and Kipke had won many titles between the two but there was still a sour taste in their mouth after every title. At one point Kipke said "Hey Skillz, its fun being a branch but honestly these random internet strangers are quite toxic in this SLOR Forest. When I look down at our roots, I see poisonous pesticides that are not fit for trees to succeed. I went to college at an Ivy League school where people love quantitative analysis and I joined a fraternity where people love sports. I have a friend who is very good at all games! He is good at playing basketball both on the court and in video games, I am sure he would be a good branch to fend off these internet toxins that our corroding our roots!" And just like that Matt joins the sim world.
When the Penn SAEs found out that Matt and David had a new hobby, they all wanted to join in on the fun. Soon enough, Nav, Derek, and Joe would all be branches on Skillz' tree. Phi Alpha, brother.
A LOT MORE BRANCHES ARE GROWN AND NIRVANA IS INCEPTED:
Skillz, Kipke, Matt, Nav, Derek, and Joe had taken turns winning titles in SLOR. However climbing the peak of the mountain isn't all that fun when you haven't erased the toxic problem eating away your roots. These new branches had done a good job of pruning the weeds in the soil but they hadn't de-rooted anything. There was still this colossal douchebag named Stevie in SLOR that was sucking all the joy out of the hobby. Skillz and the 5 branches decided to start a new forest. It wasn't going to be like the old forest of SLOR, there would be one rule to rule them all: "DON'T BE A DICK"
How would the Skillz tree be able to go to a new forest? Trees cannot walk, you know. Skillz prayed to the tree gods every night for at least a year before one god answered the call.
"Skillz, it is me: Ashes"
"Oh no, I am way too young to burn down - I am just a tree trying to eliminate poison! What did I do wrong???"
**after a baritone chuckle** "Oh Skillz - Ashes is just my internet pseudonym. My name is Ryan and I am not here to burn you down. I am here to move you to a new forest called Nirvana - where there are no dicks and everyone is friendly and awesome"
"Nirvana, you say? But how will I convince my branches that this place is a good thing for us to do?"
"Well, Skillz, tell them that 4 of you 6 will be getting the a top 6 pick in the creation draft and there will be an obvious fall off in the draft after #6."
"Ok, Ashes! That will undoubtedly convince them!"
NIRVANA IN FULL BLOSSOM:
Alright so that was a fun little intro while I am lost in the sauce on a cross country flight. I present to you a comparison of tree branches!
Note: Although Jesse and Jordo are life long friends, I claimed him as part of Kipke's!
another note: I know teams have changed hands, this was hard to account for so you and your tree dad inherited the full history of the org!
Note: I have Hoff as a sub tree under Josh but he is in Jesse's for this analysis. Same with Tonger and Ralph/Josh -- lumped into Jesses!
Here is a snapshot of the historical performance by branch:
Key findings:
Highest winning % - Jesse
Most average playoffs - Jesse
Most finals appearance - Jesse
Most titles - Kipke
Biggest branch - Matt
Looks like Skillz hasn't lost his fastball through all these years and has developed the most successful tree if you exclude the most important metric - RINGS.
Fun fact: The average Jesse branch is basically Derek.
Hope this brings some joy heading into the weekend and happy 2 year anniversary!
Last edited by Tyler on September 20th, 2024, 11:19 am, edited 2 times in total.
The Tree of (Sim) Life: Comparing Branches
Dang the image is way smaller than i was hoping lol, not sure how to fix it
The Tree of (Sim) Life: Comparing Branches
Apologies for bringing down the tree
Santa Cruz Warriors NDL Champs: 2008, 2012, 2014
The Tree of (Sim) Life: Comparing Branches
The SLN torah/bible has been written. Years and centuries later Rabbis will discuss and debate every word Tyler has written and dissect phrasing and tone. And then commentary will be written. And then commentary on the commentary will be written. And then commentary on the commentary on the commentary will be written. And then soon enough, soon to be adolescent boys and girls will be celebrating their Bar and Bat [Si]mitzvahs, happy times
The Tree of (Sim) Life: Comparing Branches
Do I make jesses tree better or worse? Def worse
Promos:
Just the Tip-Off Opening Night- 10/31
Raw Dog with Gradey - Half Off Hot Dogs - 11/7
Go Balls Deep - Mini Basektball Giveaway- 12/24
No Pull Out Night - Gradey Plays 48 Minutes - 1/19
Wet Dick Night - Free Pepsi- 2/14
Load Management 3/4
Just the Tip-Off Opening Night- 10/31
Raw Dog with Gradey - Half Off Hot Dogs - 11/7
Go Balls Deep - Mini Basektball Giveaway- 12/24
No Pull Out Night - Gradey Plays 48 Minutes - 1/19
Wet Dick Night - Free Pepsi- 2/14
Load Management 3/4
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