LEAKED TRANSCRIPT OF KYRIE IRVING’S LOCKER ROOM SPEECH [SWAMPSTORYZ VOL. 15]
Posted: October 18th, 2024, 3:44 pm
By Steingold Louis Stephens, who just took his horse to the Old Town Road because it is 2019. Dreadful experience, nothing like the song, and the Old Town Chamber of Commerce is Peed the effed Ohhh. Have you heard the panicked yelping of a Clydesdale as it stampedes into an artisanal fudge shoppe? Yeah, buddy, SHOPPE. I’ll never unhear it, and I’ll probably die in debt to a mom and steppop candy business. So please, now more than ever, subscribe to SwampMedia Plus and become a proud Plussy today!
A recent AP [Ashes Press] report said Los Angeles Lakers point guard and enigmatic SLN supernova Kyrie Irving is “surprisingly calm and level-headed” despite his team’s slow start to 2019-20. After Thursday’s 127-115 road loss to the Philadelphia 76ers dropped LA to 1-4, Irving corralled teammates and delivered “an impassioned speech that seems to have rallied the rest of the team.” The Lakers are now 2-6 with a -4 point differential. Irving, 27 years old in his eighth professional season, is averaging almost 35 points per game with trademark efficiency. SwampMedia has acquired exclusive audio from the locker room speech, and are presenting it here for public benefit.
A brief editorial insert, but aye yo, we have never encountered such a willing and brazen leaker like Rondae Hollis-Jefferson. He did the Deep Throat thing in an El Segundo parking lot, and also met us in a remote location to give us the tapes. DJ Sour Milk and Justin Credible should be recalled, and Rondae Hollis-Jefferson should be installed as the titular LA Leaker. All he wanted in exchange was a value dinner at Bibigo and a dimebag of recreational chlorine. He later freestyled to us, “I should prolly sign to Snitch Boy cuz I got all the snitch, booooiiiiii.” That man was aggressively eager to be our source. So yeah, despite our offer of anonymity, this all comes courtesy of Rondae Hollis-Jefferson.
[WELLS FARGO VISITING LOCKER ROOM. Someone is playing DaBaby off an iPhone speaker, because it is 2019. Kyrie Irving holds a chalkboard, furiously scrawling different misspellings of the word RASPBERRY. He notions toward the locker room security, and rises abruptly.]
IRVING: Alright, fellas, bring it in, bring it in.
The Lakers gather together, toward Irving in the center of the locker room.
IRVING: Guys, back up. Way too close, right? I mean, Ronnie, BRING IT IN.
With the rigid intensity of a Buckingham Palace guard, Lakers security opens the doors and reveals an industrial wheelbarrow full of clothing and accessories. Designer shirts with intricate, hand-stitched patterns. Suits – so many suits! – of daring cut and color. Satchels, earrings, red velvet shoes that smelled like cream cheese frosting.
EDDY CURRY: What is the meaning of this?!
IRVING: Gentlemen, this is what happens when “you’re gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it” gets challenged in court. Men’s Warehouse is my bitch, legally, so I figured we try a new strategy. Have you ever heard the phrase “dress to impress?”
GORDON HAYWARD: My dad used to say that.
IRVING: Get it in writing, White Gordon. Anyway, we are going to dress to impress. Our post game is as loose as a raspberry, our defense is like a plastic bag full of bad defense, and my analogies are getting worse. I say we dress for the job we want!
TYLER HERRO: …dental hygienist? Woah, it honestly feels really good to get that out loud. For the past few years I’ve been–
IRVING: —we get it, Black Tyler wants teeth, or something. Next game, we’re going to hit the court looking like Clyde Frazier by way of Andy Warhol. Who are we playing?
CURRY, fastidiously going through his popout team schedule, presented by Erewhon, El Compadre and The Coalition for More Cocaine: we’re playing “No Game.”
IRVING, slightly but perceptibly fatigued by Curry’s answer: …after that?
CURRY, tensing up: “…No Game.”
IRVING, clearly simmering, as if a South Bay wind knocked away half of his focus: …AFTER THAT?!
CURRY, his heart popping out of his chest like it does in the cartoons [editor’s note: I did not intentionally pick Eddy Curry for this joke, bless Eddy Curry’s actual heart]: …………….. “No Ga–”
IRVING: EDDY! Any more and I’ll tell the whole team that you’re cheating on your understudy wife with Lizzo!
CURRY: You clearly just did, asshole. Why men great til they gotta menstruate?
IRVING: It’s 2019, Eddy.
SOLOMON JONES: The Warriors, Ky.
IRVING: We’re going into that game looking fresh as fudge, like that huge dog on Old Town Road.
FRANK KAMINSKY: Horse, Ky.
IRVING: I peg your bardon?
KAMINSKY: It was a horse that went buck at the fudge shoppe, and I’m spelling it with two Ps and an E at the end.
IRVING: PPSHOPE? Alright, buddy.
KAMINSKY: Do you think horses are huge dogs?
IRVING: Look, man, just try on these outfits. We’re going to put the D in dapper, the 3 in “3 people complimented us on our suits, and it’s still just cocktail hour.” We’re going to play fabulous because we’ll look fabulous!
*Cinematic fitting room sequence. The Lakers are trying on all different outfits. Some look so great. Others are totally goofy! Can you imagine Bam Adebayo in a lighter shade of olive? Oh snap, Kyrie’s trying on a scarf! SwampMedia had a negative balance for music sync, so we’re going for it all and using LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It” until the guys try everything on*
IRVING, in a suede robe and wearing three ties: Understood?
LAKERS, in unison: No cappin, my captain!
- Author
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A brief editorial insert, but aye yo, we have never encountered such a willing and brazen leaker like Rondae Hollis-Jefferson. He did the Deep Throat thing in an El Segundo parking lot, and also met us in a remote location to give us the tapes. DJ Sour Milk and Justin Credible should be recalled, and Rondae Hollis-Jefferson should be installed as the titular LA Leaker. All he wanted in exchange was a value dinner at Bibigo and a dimebag of recreational chlorine. He later freestyled to us, “I should prolly sign to Snitch Boy cuz I got all the snitch, booooiiiiii.” That man was aggressively eager to be our source. So yeah, despite our offer of anonymity, this all comes courtesy of Rondae Hollis-Jefferson.
[WELLS FARGO VISITING LOCKER ROOM. Someone is playing DaBaby off an iPhone speaker, because it is 2019. Kyrie Irving holds a chalkboard, furiously scrawling different misspellings of the word RASPBERRY. He notions toward the locker room security, and rises abruptly.]
IRVING: Alright, fellas, bring it in, bring it in.
The Lakers gather together, toward Irving in the center of the locker room.
IRVING: Guys, back up. Way too close, right? I mean, Ronnie, BRING IT IN.
With the rigid intensity of a Buckingham Palace guard, Lakers security opens the doors and reveals an industrial wheelbarrow full of clothing and accessories. Designer shirts with intricate, hand-stitched patterns. Suits – so many suits! – of daring cut and color. Satchels, earrings, red velvet shoes that smelled like cream cheese frosting.
EDDY CURRY: What is the meaning of this?!
IRVING: Gentlemen, this is what happens when “you’re gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it” gets challenged in court. Men’s Warehouse is my bitch, legally, so I figured we try a new strategy. Have you ever heard the phrase “dress to impress?”
GORDON HAYWARD: My dad used to say that.
IRVING: Get it in writing, White Gordon. Anyway, we are going to dress to impress. Our post game is as loose as a raspberry, our defense is like a plastic bag full of bad defense, and my analogies are getting worse. I say we dress for the job we want!
TYLER HERRO: …dental hygienist? Woah, it honestly feels really good to get that out loud. For the past few years I’ve been–
IRVING: —we get it, Black Tyler wants teeth, or something. Next game, we’re going to hit the court looking like Clyde Frazier by way of Andy Warhol. Who are we playing?
CURRY, fastidiously going through his popout team schedule, presented by Erewhon, El Compadre and The Coalition for More Cocaine: we’re playing “No Game.”
IRVING, slightly but perceptibly fatigued by Curry’s answer: …after that?
CURRY, tensing up: “…No Game.”
IRVING, clearly simmering, as if a South Bay wind knocked away half of his focus: …AFTER THAT?!
CURRY, his heart popping out of his chest like it does in the cartoons [editor’s note: I did not intentionally pick Eddy Curry for this joke, bless Eddy Curry’s actual heart]: …………….. “No Ga–”
IRVING: EDDY! Any more and I’ll tell the whole team that you’re cheating on your understudy wife with Lizzo!
CURRY: You clearly just did, asshole. Why men great til they gotta menstruate?
IRVING: It’s 2019, Eddy.
SOLOMON JONES: The Warriors, Ky.
IRVING: We’re going into that game looking fresh as fudge, like that huge dog on Old Town Road.
FRANK KAMINSKY: Horse, Ky.
IRVING: I peg your bardon?
KAMINSKY: It was a horse that went buck at the fudge shoppe, and I’m spelling it with two Ps and an E at the end.
IRVING: PPSHOPE? Alright, buddy.
KAMINSKY: Do you think horses are huge dogs?
IRVING: Look, man, just try on these outfits. We’re going to put the D in dapper, the 3 in “3 people complimented us on our suits, and it’s still just cocktail hour.” We’re going to play fabulous because we’ll look fabulous!
*Cinematic fitting room sequence. The Lakers are trying on all different outfits. Some look so great. Others are totally goofy! Can you imagine Bam Adebayo in a lighter shade of olive? Oh snap, Kyrie’s trying on a scarf! SwampMedia had a negative balance for music sync, so we’re going for it all and using LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It” until the guys try everything on*
IRVING, in a suede robe and wearing three ties: Understood?
LAKERS, in unison: No cappin, my captain!