Bella Yao, Bella Yao, Bella Yao Yao Yao: The 2002 Big Board
Posted: February 9th, 2024, 11:06 pm
Bella Yao, Bella Yao, Bella Yao, Yao, Yao: The 2002 Big Board
Ah, 2002. Brady won his first Super Bowl, Pepsi Blue hit the market for the first time, and perhaps the year’s biggest surprise debut, Gandalf the Grey came back as Gandalf the White to open a fat can of whup-ass on Mordor.
The NBA boasted its own rather LARGE launch…something that would change the world forever came out of a Chinese government laboratory, and it wasn’t the result of some scientist deciding to have a bowl of delicious bat soup for lunch. 7’6”and 310 pounds but all buttery finesse and touch, Yao burst onto the scene as a new type of big man for a new era of NBA basketball. The Yin to Shaq’s bulldozing Yang, Yao would bring with him to the league a billion new raving fans, who would continue to vote him into the All-Star game every year long after he had retired. (Editor’s note: they really needed to fix how the All-Star voting worked).
Anyways, this is all just to say, don’t fuck around with the number 1 pick this draft or you’re going to give ashes a heart attack. Let’s get into it.
1. Yao Ming C 7'6'' 310 22 B C D+ B C+ A
Like I said above, KISS – keep it simple, stupid. Is Yao going to be the game wrecking superstar that Duncan was immediately as a rookie? Perhaps not. Are his under the hood ratings going to be juiced to all hell as one of the greatest Rockets “what if” stories of all time? Definitely. Absolutely no reason to spend any time thinking here. One of the best parts of drafting him will be getting to watch him try to play golf in the offseason. Somehow they managed to find a golf polo for a 7'6" guy that was...too big??
2. Amare Stoudemire PF 6'10'' 245 20 B+ C- C- C+ C+ A
Raise the ceilings at your local synagogue and double down on your athletic facility’s weekly order of gefilte fish, because at number 2 we find the most athletic Jew in the history of the world, Amare Stoudemire (yeah, it’s probably a low bar but he definitely clears it). STAT is an interesting SLN prospect – a high-volume big man with turnover issues gives me pause for sure, but at the end of the day, it’s Amare Stoudemire. He was a 5-time All-NBAer (same as Yao), and the only player in this draft to make an All-NBA First Team. He will be stacked with potential, he will cause every opposing big man guarding him to foul out, and he will hit his free throws. I’m not super concerned with his ratings as he’s only 20, but it’s worth noting he’s the only B+ Inside player in the draft file.
3. Caron Butler SG 6'7'' 228 22 B C+ C+ C+ C A
I’ll be honest, I wasn’t expecting to see such glowing draft notes for Butler, who I always lumped in with Antawn Jamison as guys that stuffed the stat sheet but failed to produce any wins for those trash Wizards teams (sorry Weston and Nolan). Then again, Jamison is a top 10 player in SLN, so maybe we should take a closer look at ol’ But-munch. Hmm…he’s got good inside, good jumpshot, good quickness, good strength, great rebounding and should lead the league in steals. And all you have to do is camp his 3PT?? Don’t mind if I do! *wiggles fingers like a fat guy about to reach for the last donut* The only downside is that the bar for quality wings is extremely high in SLN, so I could potentially see him drop below the next gentleman on this list depending on who’s picking where.
4. Jay Williams PG 6'2'' 195 21 C+ C+ B B- C- A
One of the saddest stories in NBA history has a chance for a happy ending in SLN. The best player on that stupidly overpowered Duke championship team, Jay Williams should continue his dominance in the world of FBB. He has the second highest defensive rating of any PG in the draft, and the highest inside rating among PGs. Good handles, good physical tools, high steals and rebounding spell success for a PG, and he is miles ahead of the next best option in the class at perhaps the scarcest position in the league. Probably going to need to supercamp those outside stats, but I love reaching on a high-potential point guard with their TC upside.
5. Tayshaun Prince SF 6'9'' 212 22 C+ B- C B+ C A
Have you ever seen such a skinny guy with such a BIG BUTT? One of the weirder body types of this era, human coat rack Tayshaun Prince should be a bargain version of AK47, with fewer stocks but also way fewer turnovers. Probably equally bony elbows, if we’re being honest. He’s got the highest defensive rating of any player in the draft, and should be the perfect foil for the plethora of offense-only wings we’ve seen taken in the last two drafts.
6. Carlos Boozer PF 6'9'' 258 21 B C C- C+ B B
Yes, he MIGHT have painted his hair on with axel grease for a few games, but who among us can really say they’ve never done the same? Give him a break. Is it crazy to say that Boozebag profiles a whole lot like the aforementioned top 10 guy Antawn Jamison? His lack of blocks should probably be balanced out by good positional defense and high steals for a big man, and he should be an exceptional rebounder to go along with a tight handle…read: Boozer is a possession monster. Strong guys with high inside tend to wreck games a bit, and I love that he’ll have a decent jumpshot rating at the FT line. Would not be crazy to me if he goes higher than 6.
7. Dajuan Wagner SG 6'2'' 200 19 B- B C+ C D A
Dejuan Wagner is the only teenager with A potential in the file, which should probably be enough alone to have somebody reach on him pretty high in the lotto. That said, I lolled at “if he could get negative rebounds, he would.” The reality is, there is always going to be a spot in the league for a guy who lights it up inside and out and doesn’t turn it over – a lot of the time that might be a bench role, but it’s cool to have a guy on your bench that you can designate a scoring option because his efficiency and handle are so good.
8. Nenê C 6'11'' 250 20 C+ C- D+ B+ C+ A
Madonna…Bono…Adele…Nene. This one-named wonder and Brazilian bruiser might be built like a shit brickhouse but he’s light on his feet, with exceptional quickness for the Center position. I LOVE me a big with high steals (seems to be a theme of the big fellas in 02) and Nene finds himself with the best overall defensive rating of any big in the draft…I think our futbol-loving friend would find himself further up this list if ashes didn’t note that he likely profiles as a very good 3rd big with only an outside chance of becoming a starter. What gives, Sim Lord? On another note, how unbelievable would it be to see a guy like this go to town at your local all-you-can-eat Brazilian churrascaria. Would put Matt to shame!
9. Reggie Evans PF 6'8'' 245 22 C D D+ C+ B+ B
Reggie Evans was known for defense, rebounding, hustle, and of course, attempting to remove Chris Kaman’s nutsack during a 2006 game against the Clippers (listen for Chuck's response - Evans ended up with a $10K fine). Evans is the best rebounder in the draft (and the only B+), and he should hopefully pilfer more post passes than testicles when he arrives in SLN – and if he’s anything like real life Reggie Evans, he’ll take 3 shots a game at most. Only thing that makes me a little nervous is his turnover issue – he’ll be a really nice frontcourt asset, but it’s annoying to have to spend camps on handles when they could be going to defense or rebounding. If you’re not a true two way big, you don’t really get the right to be turning the ball over in my book.
10. Matt Barnes SF 6'7'' 226 23 C C+ C B C+ A
Legendary cheap shot artist and all-around horrendous person Matt Barnes was most recently in the news for spitting on his fiance’s ex-boyfriend at a Cowboys game. Lovely. Way to rise above it, Barnesy. We’re probably into the next tier of the draft at this point, mostly because I fucking hate this guy and want to see him plummet down the board of our fake basketball league. While Barnes is the second best wing defender available after Prince and should be stocky, as well, the very-low-volume 3 and D wings haven’t fared particularly well in SLN (see: James Posey, pending: Shane Battier) at the league’s deepest position. Still, if you need defense and rebounding and have scoring at other positions, Barnes could be your guy.
11. Dan Gadzuric C 6'11'' 240 24 C+ D+ D+ B- B- C
The Flying Dutchman is the first true prototypical Big Butt on this list – my mans has clearly been eating his stroopwafel by the look of that rear end. Rebounding, blocks, no turnovers and no shots, that’s what Gadzuric will give you, and there’s always a spot on my team for a guy like that. I don’t love that his B- rebounding borders on C+ and his B- defense is only middling while he sports C potential, but he feels like a relatively safe pick at the back end of the lotto.
12. Nenad Krstic C 7'0'' 240 21 B C- D+ B- C+ B
One of the most complete skillsets and perhaps the least complete hairline in the draft (you gotta just shave it off, big fella…or at least cover your head in black paint like a normal person). His notes are kinda glowing, but his very low B- defense and C+ rebounding kinda aren’t. He’s got the inside and strength to be a bit of a two-way big, though you definitely run the risk of him scoring 12 points a game at a 43% clip – gross. Still, with the right dice rolls, Krstic could be a pretty cool starter.
13. John Salmons SG 6'7'' 210 23 C+ C+ C+ C+ C+ B
Who's going to tell him you don't pronounce the "L" in salmon?? C+’s across the board might look like a mediocre report card, but they’re not when it comes to Rebounding and Inside. Salmons has the highest C+ Inside in the file, and as a combo 1-2, that says volume to me. He could score the rock in real life and was pretty turnover efficient, so I don’t mind a flyer on him here (although I would like it a lot more if he could go to the NDL, which he cannot). C+ rebounding at the 2 is also well above average. High C+ defense too! But again, the bar for good wings is high in this league…he might end up a PG just because of that.
14. Mike Dunleavy SF 6'9'' 230 22 C+ B C C+ C B
Dunleavy’s skillset is just about as boring and milquetoast as his face, but he does pretty much what you’d expect of a shooting guard. He’s gonna spot up and shoot it pretty good and not a whole lot else. I do like that he’s going to take care of the ball, so if his offense ends up taking off (A outside guys are OP!), you can feel comfortable making him your first or second option.
15. Smush Parker PG 6'4'' 190 23 C+ C C+ B- C- B
After Williams (and I guess Salmons?), Smush is the best PG prospect available and could end up a Troy Hudson-style NDL success story. He’ll definitely need some camps (perhaps a supercamp) for his Outside attributes, but other than that has pretty solid starting ratings for an effective 1 and there are plenty of up and coming teams with this need. Strength and “very good” steals are tasty bonuses at the PG spot. I love doing the Big Board because I always find interesting random shit on these guys’ Wikipedias. Apparently Parker got his nickname because he used to “smush” opponents faces in retaliation after they stole the ball from him.
16. Udonis Haslem PF 6'8'' 235 22 B- C C B- B- B
I would be remiss not to mention the longest-tenured player of this entire draft and the only one still in the league today! Bummer he’s not NDL eligible and he’s got a bit of a weird set of abilities, definitely profiles as one of the guys who ends up with A- defense but a stock:TO ratio barely above 1. But solid starting ratings and some extremely positive adjectives used in his draft notes. He’ll probably end up someone’s third big for, I dunno…22 seasons?
Ah, 2002. Brady won his first Super Bowl, Pepsi Blue hit the market for the first time, and perhaps the year’s biggest surprise debut, Gandalf the Grey came back as Gandalf the White to open a fat can of whup-ass on Mordor.
The NBA boasted its own rather LARGE launch…something that would change the world forever came out of a Chinese government laboratory, and it wasn’t the result of some scientist deciding to have a bowl of delicious bat soup for lunch. 7’6”and 310 pounds but all buttery finesse and touch, Yao burst onto the scene as a new type of big man for a new era of NBA basketball. The Yin to Shaq’s bulldozing Yang, Yao would bring with him to the league a billion new raving fans, who would continue to vote him into the All-Star game every year long after he had retired. (Editor’s note: they really needed to fix how the All-Star voting worked).
Anyways, this is all just to say, don’t fuck around with the number 1 pick this draft or you’re going to give ashes a heart attack. Let’s get into it.
1. Yao Ming C 7'6'' 310 22 B C D+ B C+ A
Like I said above, KISS – keep it simple, stupid. Is Yao going to be the game wrecking superstar that Duncan was immediately as a rookie? Perhaps not. Are his under the hood ratings going to be juiced to all hell as one of the greatest Rockets “what if” stories of all time? Definitely. Absolutely no reason to spend any time thinking here. One of the best parts of drafting him will be getting to watch him try to play golf in the offseason. Somehow they managed to find a golf polo for a 7'6" guy that was...too big??
2. Amare Stoudemire PF 6'10'' 245 20 B+ C- C- C+ C+ A
Raise the ceilings at your local synagogue and double down on your athletic facility’s weekly order of gefilte fish, because at number 2 we find the most athletic Jew in the history of the world, Amare Stoudemire (yeah, it’s probably a low bar but he definitely clears it). STAT is an interesting SLN prospect – a high-volume big man with turnover issues gives me pause for sure, but at the end of the day, it’s Amare Stoudemire. He was a 5-time All-NBAer (same as Yao), and the only player in this draft to make an All-NBA First Team. He will be stacked with potential, he will cause every opposing big man guarding him to foul out, and he will hit his free throws. I’m not super concerned with his ratings as he’s only 20, but it’s worth noting he’s the only B+ Inside player in the draft file.
3. Caron Butler SG 6'7'' 228 22 B C+ C+ C+ C A
I’ll be honest, I wasn’t expecting to see such glowing draft notes for Butler, who I always lumped in with Antawn Jamison as guys that stuffed the stat sheet but failed to produce any wins for those trash Wizards teams (sorry Weston and Nolan). Then again, Jamison is a top 10 player in SLN, so maybe we should take a closer look at ol’ But-munch. Hmm…he’s got good inside, good jumpshot, good quickness, good strength, great rebounding and should lead the league in steals. And all you have to do is camp his 3PT?? Don’t mind if I do! *wiggles fingers like a fat guy about to reach for the last donut* The only downside is that the bar for quality wings is extremely high in SLN, so I could potentially see him drop below the next gentleman on this list depending on who’s picking where.
4. Jay Williams PG 6'2'' 195 21 C+ C+ B B- C- A
One of the saddest stories in NBA history has a chance for a happy ending in SLN. The best player on that stupidly overpowered Duke championship team, Jay Williams should continue his dominance in the world of FBB. He has the second highest defensive rating of any PG in the draft, and the highest inside rating among PGs. Good handles, good physical tools, high steals and rebounding spell success for a PG, and he is miles ahead of the next best option in the class at perhaps the scarcest position in the league. Probably going to need to supercamp those outside stats, but I love reaching on a high-potential point guard with their TC upside.
5. Tayshaun Prince SF 6'9'' 212 22 C+ B- C B+ C A
Have you ever seen such a skinny guy with such a BIG BUTT? One of the weirder body types of this era, human coat rack Tayshaun Prince should be a bargain version of AK47, with fewer stocks but also way fewer turnovers. Probably equally bony elbows, if we’re being honest. He’s got the highest defensive rating of any player in the draft, and should be the perfect foil for the plethora of offense-only wings we’ve seen taken in the last two drafts.
6. Carlos Boozer PF 6'9'' 258 21 B C C- C+ B B
Yes, he MIGHT have painted his hair on with axel grease for a few games, but who among us can really say they’ve never done the same? Give him a break. Is it crazy to say that Boozebag profiles a whole lot like the aforementioned top 10 guy Antawn Jamison? His lack of blocks should probably be balanced out by good positional defense and high steals for a big man, and he should be an exceptional rebounder to go along with a tight handle…read: Boozer is a possession monster. Strong guys with high inside tend to wreck games a bit, and I love that he’ll have a decent jumpshot rating at the FT line. Would not be crazy to me if he goes higher than 6.
7. Dajuan Wagner SG 6'2'' 200 19 B- B C+ C D A
Dejuan Wagner is the only teenager with A potential in the file, which should probably be enough alone to have somebody reach on him pretty high in the lotto. That said, I lolled at “if he could get negative rebounds, he would.” The reality is, there is always going to be a spot in the league for a guy who lights it up inside and out and doesn’t turn it over – a lot of the time that might be a bench role, but it’s cool to have a guy on your bench that you can designate a scoring option because his efficiency and handle are so good.
8. Nenê C 6'11'' 250 20 C+ C- D+ B+ C+ A
Madonna…Bono…Adele…Nene. This one-named wonder and Brazilian bruiser might be built like a shit brickhouse but he’s light on his feet, with exceptional quickness for the Center position. I LOVE me a big with high steals (seems to be a theme of the big fellas in 02) and Nene finds himself with the best overall defensive rating of any big in the draft…I think our futbol-loving friend would find himself further up this list if ashes didn’t note that he likely profiles as a very good 3rd big with only an outside chance of becoming a starter. What gives, Sim Lord? On another note, how unbelievable would it be to see a guy like this go to town at your local all-you-can-eat Brazilian churrascaria. Would put Matt to shame!
9. Reggie Evans PF 6'8'' 245 22 C D D+ C+ B+ B
Reggie Evans was known for defense, rebounding, hustle, and of course, attempting to remove Chris Kaman’s nutsack during a 2006 game against the Clippers (listen for Chuck's response - Evans ended up with a $10K fine). Evans is the best rebounder in the draft (and the only B+), and he should hopefully pilfer more post passes than testicles when he arrives in SLN – and if he’s anything like real life Reggie Evans, he’ll take 3 shots a game at most. Only thing that makes me a little nervous is his turnover issue – he’ll be a really nice frontcourt asset, but it’s annoying to have to spend camps on handles when they could be going to defense or rebounding. If you’re not a true two way big, you don’t really get the right to be turning the ball over in my book.
10. Matt Barnes SF 6'7'' 226 23 C C+ C B C+ A
Legendary cheap shot artist and all-around horrendous person Matt Barnes was most recently in the news for spitting on his fiance’s ex-boyfriend at a Cowboys game. Lovely. Way to rise above it, Barnesy. We’re probably into the next tier of the draft at this point, mostly because I fucking hate this guy and want to see him plummet down the board of our fake basketball league. While Barnes is the second best wing defender available after Prince and should be stocky, as well, the very-low-volume 3 and D wings haven’t fared particularly well in SLN (see: James Posey, pending: Shane Battier) at the league’s deepest position. Still, if you need defense and rebounding and have scoring at other positions, Barnes could be your guy.
11. Dan Gadzuric C 6'11'' 240 24 C+ D+ D+ B- B- C
The Flying Dutchman is the first true prototypical Big Butt on this list – my mans has clearly been eating his stroopwafel by the look of that rear end. Rebounding, blocks, no turnovers and no shots, that’s what Gadzuric will give you, and there’s always a spot on my team for a guy like that. I don’t love that his B- rebounding borders on C+ and his B- defense is only middling while he sports C potential, but he feels like a relatively safe pick at the back end of the lotto.
12. Nenad Krstic C 7'0'' 240 21 B C- D+ B- C+ B
One of the most complete skillsets and perhaps the least complete hairline in the draft (you gotta just shave it off, big fella…or at least cover your head in black paint like a normal person). His notes are kinda glowing, but his very low B- defense and C+ rebounding kinda aren’t. He’s got the inside and strength to be a bit of a two-way big, though you definitely run the risk of him scoring 12 points a game at a 43% clip – gross. Still, with the right dice rolls, Krstic could be a pretty cool starter.
13. John Salmons SG 6'7'' 210 23 C+ C+ C+ C+ C+ B
Who's going to tell him you don't pronounce the "L" in salmon?? C+’s across the board might look like a mediocre report card, but they’re not when it comes to Rebounding and Inside. Salmons has the highest C+ Inside in the file, and as a combo 1-2, that says volume to me. He could score the rock in real life and was pretty turnover efficient, so I don’t mind a flyer on him here (although I would like it a lot more if he could go to the NDL, which he cannot). C+ rebounding at the 2 is also well above average. High C+ defense too! But again, the bar for good wings is high in this league…he might end up a PG just because of that.
14. Mike Dunleavy SF 6'9'' 230 22 C+ B C C+ C B
Dunleavy’s skillset is just about as boring and milquetoast as his face, but he does pretty much what you’d expect of a shooting guard. He’s gonna spot up and shoot it pretty good and not a whole lot else. I do like that he’s going to take care of the ball, so if his offense ends up taking off (A outside guys are OP!), you can feel comfortable making him your first or second option.
15. Smush Parker PG 6'4'' 190 23 C+ C C+ B- C- B
After Williams (and I guess Salmons?), Smush is the best PG prospect available and could end up a Troy Hudson-style NDL success story. He’ll definitely need some camps (perhaps a supercamp) for his Outside attributes, but other than that has pretty solid starting ratings for an effective 1 and there are plenty of up and coming teams with this need. Strength and “very good” steals are tasty bonuses at the PG spot. I love doing the Big Board because I always find interesting random shit on these guys’ Wikipedias. Apparently Parker got his nickname because he used to “smush” opponents faces in retaliation after they stole the ball from him.
16. Udonis Haslem PF 6'8'' 235 22 B- C C B- B- B
I would be remiss not to mention the longest-tenured player of this entire draft and the only one still in the league today! Bummer he’s not NDL eligible and he’s got a bit of a weird set of abilities, definitely profiles as one of the guys who ends up with A- defense but a stock:TO ratio barely above 1. But solid starting ratings and some extremely positive adjectives used in his draft notes. He’ll probably end up someone’s third big for, I dunno…22 seasons?