Sim League Nirvana

It’s that time of year again, muchachos – you know the drill, draft board and stupid puns. The title pun is a little dark considering this disease is a pretty major issue in Luol’s home country of Sudan, but we’ve all heard enough jokes about Delonte West banging Lebron’s mom so I’m short on material. Here we go.


1. Shaun Livingston PG 6'7'' 192 19 B C B- B C A

Just two seasons ago, Ashes warned us about Yao – “don’t get cute with it, he’s the number one pick”…welp, with apologies to Dwight, this year I’m feeling cuter than this kitten in a Kermit hat. How often does the prospect with the most potential in the draft also fall into the scarcest position, which also happens to be the position that has the craziest TCs? Unless you have a legitimate deathwish and want to just roll the dice, his stip kind of forces you to camp him sub-optimally…but that kinda just makes me think his under-the-hood stuff is even more juiced to the moon. AND his over-the-hood ratings are ALREADY +6 compared to Tony Parker’s starting ratings *eyeballs emoji.* Boom or bust at number 1 - either he’s a generation talent or he never learns to shoot 3s and your team’s future shatters, much like Livingston’s tibia.


2. Dwight Howard C 6'10'' 265 19 B D D B- B+ A

There are some low hanging, low swinging, banana hammock-esque jokes that I could make about Dwight’s personal life, but far be it from me to be kink-shaming the man during Pride Month. There’s no doubt that Howard will be an elite rim protector and rebounder – the question is will he end up sucking up a whole bunch of shots every game at a bad clip and turning it over 2+ times a game like Tim Duncan, and then trying to get his coach fired when his team doesn’t win? The Ringer did call this guy “the NBA’s hangnail” a few years ago. Then again, if it all pans out, there’s a world where he looks like Shaq-lite and I get fired from writing the Big Board every year. Idk, maybe listen to the guy who literally makes the players.


3. Luol Deng SF 6'9'' 237 19 B- C+ C- B C+ A

The Bobby Bonilla of the NBA, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Lebron Lakers were still paying this guy 6.5M a year to be the president of the South Sudan Basketball Federation. He’ll be worth quite a bit more than that in SLN – he feels like a Nesby mold with better rebounding and a name you’ve actually heard of. His starting B defense borders on B+ already, and his notes are sparkling, particularly for a teenager with A potential. Maybe not a transcendent superstar, but probably the highest floor of any player in the draft and Matt will probably trade you Tony Parker to get him.


4. Jameer Nelson PG 6'0'' 190 22 C B B C+ C- A

Ho mama - a point guard in the class that has a higher offensive upside than Livingston? His only weaknesses are defense and rebounding – and he’s coming into the draft at C+/C- in those categories, which are hardly bad for a rookie PG. Fully-evolved Nelson looks like the Wartortle to Troy Hudson’s Squirtle (with Steve Nash being the obvious Level 70 Blastoise). A couple good TCs to get him up to B defense and he’ll have a chance of being a top 10 PG, I’m thinking.


5. Al Jefferson C 6'10'' 289 20 B- C D C+ B- A

With zero context and only ratings and notes, there’s probably no way that I put Big Al in the top 5. Pretty solid all-around offensively and defensively with a turnover problem doesn’t exactly get me from 6 to midnight, even for a real-life Celtic. That said, I’ve taken to overreacting to Ashes’s periodic cryptic comments the way QAnon followers shit their basement gamer chairs every time a new Q post hits the dark web. And this one was a doozy:





Based on that alone, there’s an argument he should be taken first overall. “Could be an elite big man” too?? Where We Go One, We Go *AL*, says I.


6. Emeka Okafor C 6'10'' 252 22 B- D+ D+ B+ B B




7. Andre Iguodala SF 6'6'' 215 21 B C+ C+ B+ C A

Best defender in the draft file not named Tony Allen and the third highest Inside rating after Josh Smith and Dwight Howard (although I suspect all three of these freakshows are likely jumping-inflated). If you were finding yourself short of a little raisin paste, look no further – Iggy Pop is the whole tube (Bottle? Jar? Bag?). I suspect he’ll look a little something like Gerald Wallace but more competent on offense and with around 6% less body fat.


8. Andris Biedrins C 6'11'' 240 18 C D D- C+ B- A

When he’s not busy giving Rocky Balboa brain damage, Ivan Drago Biedrins is doing the interior dirty work you’d expect out of a prototypical big pumped full of steroids by the Soviet government. He’s the youngest player in the draft file, and even though I don’t think you should put much store behind scouted potential, he’s the third guy on the list after Livingston and Howard *heavy breathing commences.* The original Latvian Gangbanger sports high C+ Defense and B- rebounding as an 18 year old, and can’t go to the NDL because the extra potential boost would make him physically explode. Pravda is saying the big CCCP on his sweatshirt actually stands for Colossal Cheeks, Can Play. Could end up a steal at the back end of the lotto.


9. Devin Harris PG 6'3'' 185 21 C B- B- B C- A

I feel like ashes tried to make this guy’s profile sound boring, but he’s got me all hot and bothered. It’s a point guard desert in SLN right now, and even if Devin Harris is only a bottle of Dasani on paper, there are plenty of thirsty GMs crawling through the sand to whom he looks like a whole-ass oasis, complete with palm trees and a Senor Frog’s. Good outside, good inside, good handles, good steals (almost B+ Defense as a rookie) – he could be a much needed lifeline to tanking teams who have been forced to stock up on wings and bigs the last few drafts. Plus, he married a Playboy model so there are hella nudes of his wife on the interwebs, worth an incognito Google for the men of culture in this league.


10. JR Smith SG 6'6'' 225 19 B- B C- C C- A

Standing 6’6” with the basketball IQ of a tomato, this man is going to get you some of the most frustrating buckets you’ve ever seen and some of the best meme content you could ask for. Sure, he’ll forget the score sometimes, take a 2 when you’re down 3 in the last second of a game or dribble out the clock when you’re losing, but he’ll also randomly go full Rain Man and bang 11 of 12 from 3. Keep him away from high school girls and cans of Chef Boyardee.


11. Kevin Martin SG 6'7'' 199 21 B- B- C+ C C- B

Born with one of the greenest lights in NBA history, K-Mart 2.0 will fill up the stat sheet for you – well, exactly one column of it, if you will. Great jumpshot and scoring and then a nice “trillion”-style toolkit with no stocks, rebounds, assists or turnovers. Normally, I wouldn’t be laying even a small nugget in my pants about a guy like this, but people forget that for about 3 seasons this guy was kind of a god in Houston for a few seasons so there’s a non-zero chance he gets the Ashes Rocket boost – I think he ends up looking more like a Houston of the Allan variety.


12. Ben Gordon SG 6'3'' 200 21 C+ B C C C- A

I was gonna look for something funny but holy cow this guy’s Wikipedia Is DARK, might want to give that one a miss. Let’s just talk about the good stuff - high C+ Inside as a rookie with no mention of his jumping, so effectively starting B-/B scoring, excellent physical tools, A potential, and that ever-enticing “can’t go to the NDL.” We might think that these guys are kind of a dime a dozen, but this draft is actually a little short on traditionally-shaped wings, so get ‘em while they’re nice and hot.


13. Kris Humphries PF 6'9'' 235 19 C+ C- C C+ B A

Having briefly been married to the heftiest cakes of our generation, Kris RUMPhries knows a little something about slangin’ that booty meat. While he probably won’t be a stock god, I gotta believe he’s going to lock down a nice little ratio for himself and rebound the shit out of the ball, so he should be a nice plus possessions guy – a teenager with A potential and already starting with high B(utt) rebounding seems like a nice safe snag in the mid-first.


14. Anderson Varejao C 6'11'' 273 22 C C- C- B B+ B

Punkass Sideshow Bob seems like basically the same guy as Humphries but with slightly better rebounding, a little less potential, and absolutely ZERO rizz by comparison. This guy looks like a human toilet brush and flops like a dying trout…pathetic. Make sure he gets drafted into the Midwest so we can watch Dwyane Wade teabag him multiple times a season.


15. Josh Smith SF 6'9'' 225 19 B+ C C B C+ A

Smith’s draft profile has so many red flags that it basically looks like the retro Hawks uniform he won that dunk contest in. Can jump out of the gym (read: his B+ Inside is inflated), Outside is positively broke despite playing the wing, and he’s got a handling issue. No buttery jumpshot for J-Smoove, just buttery fingers, I’m afraid. He’s still getting a place in the Big Board because he’ll be super stocky and pumped full of potential…but I think he likely ends up being relegated to a Jamario Moon-style Center where his shortcomings are minimized and a team can take advantage of his defensive prowess.