Hibberty (Mbah a) Moutual: The 2008 Big Board
Posted: February 9th, 2024, 11:18 pm
Hibberty (Mbah a) Moutual: The 2008 Big Board
(Editor’s note: Liberty Bibberty.)
Lawd have mercy, now that’s what I call a draft file; there are dudes who will go 16 this year that would probably have been top 5 in other drafts, and, if we’re talking about the GOAT Bill Walker, top 3. 2008 was a hell of a year, including such milestone events as the beginning of the Twilight movie saga and the end of the world economy as we knew it, but NBA lotto GMs had bigger fish to fry at the time: most notably, “can we draft a kid number 1 overall who can’t read?” Fortunately for many of us, the SLN governing body has no literacy requirements for GMs, let alone players. Also, this is by far the best Big Board title we’ve had yet, so off to a smashing start.
1. Derrick Rose PG 6'3'' 200 20 B+ C C C+ C- A
Jesus Christ…that’s Jason Bourne. Seems like another situation where Ashes is just pleading with us not to fuck around and take Beasley or Russ first overall. After all, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from SLN, it’s that the more you fuck around, the more likely you are to find out. His knees might be weak, and his palms might be sweaty (questionable handles), but those fumblefingers should be pretty much cancelled out by his low passing. That leaves his 3PT shooting as his only bugaboo…and if Shawn Livingston can win MVP with a 3PT rating of ~6, I’m not too worried about D-Rose’s prospects.
2. Russell Westbrook SF 6'3'' 200 20 B- C B+ B- B- A
Could you imagine a worse guy to have on your rec league team? Banks in one three and then thinks he has the green light to bonk horrendous contested pullups off the rim the rest of the game. Claps for the ball while you’re wide open and ready to shoot. Boxes out his own teammates for rebounds to pad stats. Absolutely hilarious that Ashes made him a SF who HAS to play PG…he can’t dribble for shit but he’s going to throw a tantrum if he doesn’t get to touch the ball all the time. I’m guessing he’ll be the Paul Pierce of PGs, stuffing every stat (even the bad ones), but I have literally no idea if getting 30, 10 and 10 as a PG with 4.5 turnovers a game is good for winning. I am also not convinced that real life Westbrook is good for winning, so that makes a lot of sense. Greed 95, Play for Winner 11: sounds about right.
3. Michael Beasley PF 6'9'' 235 20 B- B- C- C B- A
It’s a little concerning to see him this *high* on the Big Board, as every extra dollar Beas makes as a rookie is another dollar in the pocket of the pusha man, as they say. Probably below average at the 4 because of his lackluster defense, Beasley seems like a perfect fit for a team needing a scoring punch at the SF. “Can carry a team offensively??” I’ll spark one to that.
4. Kevin Love PF 6'8'' 251 20 C B+ C+ C B+ A
I know we’ve said on pods that the Croshere/Troy Murphy-shaped guys kinda suck, but Love is the fucking Godzilla of Crosheres. He’s the Paul Bunyan of Troy Murphys. Call him Sean Murphy-Bunyan. As cool a player as he was in real life, not being able to play the 3 definitely hurts his value a ton, as we’ve yet to see a guy who’s primarily an outside shooter be consistently efficient playing the 4 (Mehmet Okur might be watching me poop, but I’m watching him shoot 43%, so who’s really getting embarrassed here).
5. Eric Gordon SG 6'3'' 215 20 B C+ C C C- A
Starting with flat B inside as a shooting guard is pretty absurd, and once guys like Ray Allen, Manu and Mashburn begin to retire, someone’s gotta join Melo among the premier SG gunners in SLN. Would be nice to see his middling C defense improve, but I think he has a very high floor as a scorer. as Fun fact about this guy, he announced he was leaving Indiana to go to the draft from his local JCC in Indy, where he honed his craft crossing over fat Russian grandpas just looking to get a little shvitz in. Something Eric Gordon and your humble Celtics GM have in common, I might add.
6. DeAndre Jordan C 6'11'' 265 20 C+ D D+ C+ B- A
In a draft of this quality, you might ask yourself the same question you would ask a horny midget in a strip club: is it worth it to reach this high for a big butt? Based on Ashes’s comment, maybe – big butts are about to become an endangered species, so having an elite one at age 20 in 2008 could result in his value skyrocketing as he reaches his prime.
7. OJ Mayo SG 6'5'' 210 21 C+ B C+ C C- A
The Juice is officially loose in SLN. He’s as traditionally shaped a 2 man as they come, with high-ish C+ inside and no mention of his jumping ability, I like his prospects of becoming an impact scorer. Plug him in to any outside offense and watch him go.
8. Brook Lopez C 7'0'' 282 20 B- C+ C B C A
Perhaps the most interesting selection we will have in the first round. The biggest danger for him is that this is right around where Orlando might pick, and if that happens, you won’t be able to drag this guy away from Splash Mountain long enough to play basketball. My question is, with his rebounding the way it is, do you get the most value out of Brook rolling him out as a jumbo 3? There’s a bizzarro-world scenario where he basically ends up like prime Sheed with turnovers, but I wouldn’t hold your breath.
9. Nicolas Batum SF 6'8'' 230 20 B- B- C C+ C B
As Jwoo mentioned, there is a distinct dearth of truly sexy wing prospects in the lotto – while Batum’s head is visibly lopsided (you can see it in every photo), he’s sexy enough to crack the top 10 for me. I love that he’s the top B potential guy, and has the delectable combination “good upside” + “can’t go to the NDL.” He blocks a lot of shots for a SF in real life and should be a very solid all-around player in the mold of a Josh Howard. If this guy was showing A potential and had these ratings, I think he moves up to the top 5 easy peasy.
10. Serge Ibaka PF 6'10'' 235 19 C+ C+ D B+ C A
The Shotblaka should bring a *Serge* of defensive energy to whatever team snags him this lotto. Owner of what without a doubt is one of the largest dongs in the short history of SLN, so that’s always something to hang your hat on. Or not, if you’d like to keep wearing the hat in the future. His rebounding being middling-low C is a little cause for concern, though as a teenager he’s definitely got the chance to randomly pop. There’s a chance he has the tendency to shoot a little much for my tastes, though maybe he could be a cool stocky SF in a weird balanced offense or something. Idk, figure it out.
11. Roy Hibbert C 7'2'' 270 22 B- C- D+ B+ C A
Outside being a big ol’ stiff who’s 12 feet tall but somehow can’t rebound, Hibbert is perhaps most famous for starring in Parks and Rec across from SLN superlegend Deadlift Shrimps. He’ll probably be pretty solid, but his tendency to shoot will probably drive up his TOs a little. Likely an above average defensive big if camped that way, perhaps more upside if all those camps are dumped into his inside scoring? Worth thinking about. The main thing I learned from a quick internet scan on Roy is that the phase “no homo” has its own lengthy Wikipedia page, go figure.
12. Goran Dragic PG 6'3'' 190 22 C B B- C C B
11 spots down from the previous guy listed at PG this draft (!), we find the Slovenian Meanie, Gordan Dragic. The Dragon’s notes are straight fire, pretty much all positives – inside, outside, handles, quickness, steals and strength – that strength bit is key, as Goran was exceptionally efficient as a scorer from the 1 in real life, and strength plays a substantial role in that for PGs. His C inside and C defense are both toward the top of their ranges; one crazy PG camp from FBB and this guy could vault into a top 6 or 7 value in this draft.
13. DJ Augustin PG 5'11'' 183 21 C B B C C- B
A bit underwhelming in real life as a journeyman backup, but I like him in this part of the draft over, say, Bayless, because of his better real-life pedigree, high B scouted potential, and high quickness and handles at the PG position. His inside isn’t great, but his outside is bordering on B+ on draft day, so at worst he’ll be an effective game manager. You just gotta hope that Ashes juices the Texas alums the way he juices the ex-Rockets.
14. JaVale McGee C 7'0'' 270 21 C+ D+ D- B- C+ B
Thank god there’s no intelligence rating under any of these letter grades, because this Shaqtin’ a Fool regular would need more than a supercamp – Shaq calls him “Tragic Bronson,” which I always enjoy. His draft notes are pretty good, blocks and potential and such, but the real selling point on Javale (outside of his on-court antics) are his twitter musings. Here’s one of my favorites that I’m going to start using on a regular basis:
15. Courtney Lee SG 6'5'' 215 23 C+ B C- C C- B
He looks a lot like OJ Mayo but with a little less potential...and his parents named him after a girl rather than two different refrigerator staples. High C+ Inside paired with flat B outside is an awesome base for a 2 guard, although his B outside is definitely on the low side. Good handles, quickness and steals DOES remind me of a young fella named Tyrone Nesby, whose prowess as a backup swingman was matched only by his humility in free agency. Lee owners should be so lucky!
(Editor’s note: Liberty Bibberty.)
Lawd have mercy, now that’s what I call a draft file; there are dudes who will go 16 this year that would probably have been top 5 in other drafts, and, if we’re talking about the GOAT Bill Walker, top 3. 2008 was a hell of a year, including such milestone events as the beginning of the Twilight movie saga and the end of the world economy as we knew it, but NBA lotto GMs had bigger fish to fry at the time: most notably, “can we draft a kid number 1 overall who can’t read?” Fortunately for many of us, the SLN governing body has no literacy requirements for GMs, let alone players. Also, this is by far the best Big Board title we’ve had yet, so off to a smashing start.
1. Derrick Rose PG 6'3'' 200 20 B+ C C C+ C- A
Jesus Christ…that’s Jason Bourne. Seems like another situation where Ashes is just pleading with us not to fuck around and take Beasley or Russ first overall. After all, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from SLN, it’s that the more you fuck around, the more likely you are to find out. His knees might be weak, and his palms might be sweaty (questionable handles), but those fumblefingers should be pretty much cancelled out by his low passing. That leaves his 3PT shooting as his only bugaboo…and if Shawn Livingston can win MVP with a 3PT rating of ~6, I’m not too worried about D-Rose’s prospects.
2. Russell Westbrook SF 6'3'' 200 20 B- C B+ B- B- A
Could you imagine a worse guy to have on your rec league team? Banks in one three and then thinks he has the green light to bonk horrendous contested pullups off the rim the rest of the game. Claps for the ball while you’re wide open and ready to shoot. Boxes out his own teammates for rebounds to pad stats. Absolutely hilarious that Ashes made him a SF who HAS to play PG…he can’t dribble for shit but he’s going to throw a tantrum if he doesn’t get to touch the ball all the time. I’m guessing he’ll be the Paul Pierce of PGs, stuffing every stat (even the bad ones), but I have literally no idea if getting 30, 10 and 10 as a PG with 4.5 turnovers a game is good for winning. I am also not convinced that real life Westbrook is good for winning, so that makes a lot of sense. Greed 95, Play for Winner 11: sounds about right.
3. Michael Beasley PF 6'9'' 235 20 B- B- C- C B- A
It’s a little concerning to see him this *high* on the Big Board, as every extra dollar Beas makes as a rookie is another dollar in the pocket of the pusha man, as they say. Probably below average at the 4 because of his lackluster defense, Beasley seems like a perfect fit for a team needing a scoring punch at the SF. “Can carry a team offensively??” I’ll spark one to that.
4. Kevin Love PF 6'8'' 251 20 C B+ C+ C B+ A
I know we’ve said on pods that the Croshere/Troy Murphy-shaped guys kinda suck, but Love is the fucking Godzilla of Crosheres. He’s the Paul Bunyan of Troy Murphys. Call him Sean Murphy-Bunyan. As cool a player as he was in real life, not being able to play the 3 definitely hurts his value a ton, as we’ve yet to see a guy who’s primarily an outside shooter be consistently efficient playing the 4 (Mehmet Okur might be watching me poop, but I’m watching him shoot 43%, so who’s really getting embarrassed here).
5. Eric Gordon SG 6'3'' 215 20 B C+ C C C- A
Starting with flat B inside as a shooting guard is pretty absurd, and once guys like Ray Allen, Manu and Mashburn begin to retire, someone’s gotta join Melo among the premier SG gunners in SLN. Would be nice to see his middling C defense improve, but I think he has a very high floor as a scorer. as Fun fact about this guy, he announced he was leaving Indiana to go to the draft from his local JCC in Indy, where he honed his craft crossing over fat Russian grandpas just looking to get a little shvitz in. Something Eric Gordon and your humble Celtics GM have in common, I might add.
6. DeAndre Jordan C 6'11'' 265 20 C+ D D+ C+ B- A
In a draft of this quality, you might ask yourself the same question you would ask a horny midget in a strip club: is it worth it to reach this high for a big butt? Based on Ashes’s comment, maybe – big butts are about to become an endangered species, so having an elite one at age 20 in 2008 could result in his value skyrocketing as he reaches his prime.
7. OJ Mayo SG 6'5'' 210 21 C+ B C+ C C- A
The Juice is officially loose in SLN. He’s as traditionally shaped a 2 man as they come, with high-ish C+ inside and no mention of his jumping ability, I like his prospects of becoming an impact scorer. Plug him in to any outside offense and watch him go.
8. Brook Lopez C 7'0'' 282 20 B- C+ C B C A
Perhaps the most interesting selection we will have in the first round. The biggest danger for him is that this is right around where Orlando might pick, and if that happens, you won’t be able to drag this guy away from Splash Mountain long enough to play basketball. My question is, with his rebounding the way it is, do you get the most value out of Brook rolling him out as a jumbo 3? There’s a bizzarro-world scenario where he basically ends up like prime Sheed with turnovers, but I wouldn’t hold your breath.
9. Nicolas Batum SF 6'8'' 230 20 B- B- C C+ C B
As Jwoo mentioned, there is a distinct dearth of truly sexy wing prospects in the lotto – while Batum’s head is visibly lopsided (you can see it in every photo), he’s sexy enough to crack the top 10 for me. I love that he’s the top B potential guy, and has the delectable combination “good upside” + “can’t go to the NDL.” He blocks a lot of shots for a SF in real life and should be a very solid all-around player in the mold of a Josh Howard. If this guy was showing A potential and had these ratings, I think he moves up to the top 5 easy peasy.
10. Serge Ibaka PF 6'10'' 235 19 C+ C+ D B+ C A
The Shotblaka should bring a *Serge* of defensive energy to whatever team snags him this lotto. Owner of what without a doubt is one of the largest dongs in the short history of SLN, so that’s always something to hang your hat on. Or not, if you’d like to keep wearing the hat in the future. His rebounding being middling-low C is a little cause for concern, though as a teenager he’s definitely got the chance to randomly pop. There’s a chance he has the tendency to shoot a little much for my tastes, though maybe he could be a cool stocky SF in a weird balanced offense or something. Idk, figure it out.
11. Roy Hibbert C 7'2'' 270 22 B- C- D+ B+ C A
Outside being a big ol’ stiff who’s 12 feet tall but somehow can’t rebound, Hibbert is perhaps most famous for starring in Parks and Rec across from SLN superlegend Deadlift Shrimps. He’ll probably be pretty solid, but his tendency to shoot will probably drive up his TOs a little. Likely an above average defensive big if camped that way, perhaps more upside if all those camps are dumped into his inside scoring? Worth thinking about. The main thing I learned from a quick internet scan on Roy is that the phase “no homo” has its own lengthy Wikipedia page, go figure.
12. Goran Dragic PG 6'3'' 190 22 C B B- C C B
11 spots down from the previous guy listed at PG this draft (!), we find the Slovenian Meanie, Gordan Dragic. The Dragon’s notes are straight fire, pretty much all positives – inside, outside, handles, quickness, steals and strength – that strength bit is key, as Goran was exceptionally efficient as a scorer from the 1 in real life, and strength plays a substantial role in that for PGs. His C inside and C defense are both toward the top of their ranges; one crazy PG camp from FBB and this guy could vault into a top 6 or 7 value in this draft.
13. DJ Augustin PG 5'11'' 183 21 C B B C C- B
A bit underwhelming in real life as a journeyman backup, but I like him in this part of the draft over, say, Bayless, because of his better real-life pedigree, high B scouted potential, and high quickness and handles at the PG position. His inside isn’t great, but his outside is bordering on B+ on draft day, so at worst he’ll be an effective game manager. You just gotta hope that Ashes juices the Texas alums the way he juices the ex-Rockets.
14. JaVale McGee C 7'0'' 270 21 C+ D+ D- B- C+ B
Thank god there’s no intelligence rating under any of these letter grades, because this Shaqtin’ a Fool regular would need more than a supercamp – Shaq calls him “Tragic Bronson,” which I always enjoy. His draft notes are pretty good, blocks and potential and such, but the real selling point on Javale (outside of his on-court antics) are his twitter musings. Here’s one of my favorites that I’m going to start using on a regular basis:
15. Courtney Lee SG 6'5'' 215 23 C+ B C- C C- B
He looks a lot like OJ Mayo but with a little less potential...and his parents named him after a girl rather than two different refrigerator staples. High C+ Inside paired with flat B outside is an awesome base for a 2 guard, although his B outside is definitely on the low side. Good handles, quickness and steals DOES remind me of a young fella named Tyrone Nesby, whose prowess as a backup swingman was matched only by his humility in free agency. Lee owners should be so lucky!