Thabeet Goes On: The 2009 Big Board
Posted: February 9th, 2024, 11:20 pm
Thabeet Goes On: The 2009 Big Board
All of you Mario Party 3 connoisseurs know how god awful this mini-game was; fortunately for us, the 2009 Draft class is the opposite.
But let’s turn back the clock to this year, which was hard on an American people still recovering from the collapse of the world economy and the nationwide cinematic release of Eddie Murphy’s “Meet Dave.”
H1N1 swine flu swept the nation, killing thousands; thankfully it didn’t affect our newly elected president Barry O, as he was already sick as FUCK at ball. We collectively mourned the loss of Hall of Fame diddler Michael Jackson, whose tell-all Netflix special hadn’t hit the airwaves yet so our parents were still defending his blatant molestering.
Above all, though, it was perhaps the toughest year for our beloved Bulls GM, Tiny Gallon ; not only did his hero Tiger Woods announce his indefinite leave from golf to focus on his marriage (lol nice work there, chief), but the UN made Armenia and Turkey agree to reopen their borders to each other after almost 200 years of closure. Fuck Cenk Akyol, am I right.
Anyways, I forget where I was going with that. Here are the basketball guys:
1. Steph Curry PG 6'2'' 185 21 C A- C C C- A
Sweet Jesus – shield your eyes. The one knock on this fella is that he definitely spent way too much time practicing 3-pointers from 45 feet and not enough time figuring out how to pronounce the name “Steve.” Otherwise, what more could you ask for? He should have just about the highest volume we have ever seen at the PG position and it will take him all of 15 minutes to reach A+ Outside. What prime Dirk is to the 3, and prime Manu is to the 2, Young Chef will be to the 1. High steals, low passing, infuriating shimmying, infinite mouthguard munching.
2. James Harden PG 6'5'' 220 20 B- B- B C C A
I see: tubby free throw merchant in serious need of a shave. SLN scouts see: gamebreaking SLN talent probably best suited for the 2 instead of the 1. Harden is a Carmelo-level scorer who gets the added benefit of going through TCs as a PG, which is a terrifying thought. I’m guessing he’ll have rookie Francis-esque handles, but it simply won’t matter when he’s getting you 38 a game, or he’s on a team with a selfless Jason Hart-type PG. Stipulation: if he plays on a losing team for more than 3 seasons in a row, he automatically gains 50 pounds and develops a “hamstring injury” until he is traded.
3. Blake Griffin PF 6'9'' 250 20 B+ C C C+ C+ A
Perennial Blake of the Year candidate Mr. Griffin joins us at number 3. While he his dunk-contest winning dunk was weak as shit (the one over the Kia that Shawn kemp said he could still do at age 41), he will be teabagging SLN Centers for years to come. Highest Inside in the draft (although likely jumping-boosted) and bordering on B- Rebounding are really nice…and I have faith that ashes agrees the league is a better place if Griffin is a star. The one tiny thing that gives me pause with him is the fact that his draft profile and starting ratings look almost identical to one Amare Stoudemire...who is currently toiling in SA to hold onto his bench minutes, while Spurs locker room whispers suggest he’s just getting burn because the GM is a Jewish Knicks fan…Hopefully Blake gets a better *bounce.*
4. Tyreke Evans SG 6'6'' 220 20 B- C+ C+ C+ C A
To this day I’m convinced that Reke tried harder at random Pro-Ams than he did in the actual NBA…If there was an activity in class in HS that required the use of computers, you better believe I was spending that period binging Tyreke Evans Youtube videos. His low C+ Outside isn’t the best for a guy listed at SG, but Evans isn’t going to be Ron Mercer; he’s gonna have people asking for Ron Mercy when he burgles their ankles on the way to the rim.
5. Ricky Rubio PG 6'2'' 190 19 D+ F- A- F- D- A
I mean I’ve got no fucking clue what to do with Rubio, whose name translated to English is Richard Rubenstein – go figure. He could be top 3, he could be worse than the C-list boy band after which he styled his hair. His draft profile is a herring redder than the devil’s dick, so that’s out the window. All we know is he’s 19 and has the highest scouted potential in the draft as a PG, and that is MUY PICANTE. In real life, he was always close to the league lead in both assists and steals, but had an absurdly low TO rate despite how much he handled the ball. At the same time, he never scored more than 13 a game on better than 42% from the floor. He’s either white Rondo or he’s Shaun Livingston with knees. Only one way to find out.
6. Jrue Holiday PG 6'4'' 205 19 C B- B C C- A
Jrue comes right after Festivus in my all time favorite holidays. In an exceptionally PG-heavy draft, he's likely to be the most well-rounded prospect after Curry and has as high a floor as you could ask for. One of only two teenagers in this file, his ratings are only so-so at the moment but his upside is tremendous. The silver lining of his C Defense rating to start is that it’s probably all steals, which is pretty cool – dude has stickier fingers than Nav after putting down two straight Gotta-Have-Its from Coldstone.
7. DeMar DeRozan SG 6'6'' 220 20 B+ C C C C A
Today, he's the Master of the Midrange in an era where they’re considering adding a four- or five-point shot…but in our year 2009, his skillset as an isolation scorer should earn him his gamecheck in SLN. High C Outside should continue to tick up as he goes through camps at SG, so I’m thinking he ends up essentially being gaptooth Caron Butler with a little more scoring and potential and a little less defense and rebounding, which all in all is a pretty solid result. Word on the street is his dental work nearly bankrupted the Canadian government and ended socialism up north.
8. Wesley Matthews SG 6'5'' 220 23 C+ B- C C+ C- B
I simply cannot count the number of times I reached for this guy in a fantasy basketball draft. Lights out 3PT shooting and zero TOs, Matthews and Troy Murphy were absolute Yahoo Fantasy cheat codes around this time. Matthew’s notes are pretty much as perfect as you could ask, with good quickness and strength to go along with consistently positive adjectives for his skills across the board.
9. Hasheem Thabeet C 7'3'' 263 22 C D+ D- B- C+ A
In an era where butts are a dying breed, Mr. Thabeet may have some *outsized* value. His scout’s take is in my top 5 all time, right after Dajaun Wagner’s “if you could get negative rebounds, he would.” Low B- Defense and low C+ rebounding don’t exactly spell “shorts-busting cheeks” but A scouted potential is A scouted potential, even for a brick-handed ogre, and this is riiiight around that time in the draft where a team thin in the frontcourt might draft for need over BPA.
10. Ty Lawson PG 5'11'' 195 22 C B B C+ D+ B
Somehow not an NFL cornerback despite his height, weight and name, Lawson is the first of the “other PGs” in this draft; not A potential-type guys, but very clear top 10 picks in pretty much every draft except 2009. 4 PGs in this draft without a draft profile in this class can’t go to the NDL! The Motor City Cruise are absolutely furious. Lawson is the best of the bunch, with rebounding his only bugaboo at a Keebler-elf-sized 5’11.
11. Marcus Thornton SG 6'4'' 205 22 B- B- C C C B
In contrast to #12, as pure and generic basketball name as they come. But some of you will remember that around 2010, when the Kings were pretty much the worst team in the league, this dude got infinite buckets while nobody else was on the roster except rookie Boogie. I think Thornton is the next Dahntay Jones, but he’s probably already a better rebounder at the time of the draft. B-/B- scoring coming into the league is tasty. Reach candidate!
12. Brandon Jennings PG 6'1'' 170 20 C+ B C+ C C- B
Fits squarely into the family tree of Joe’s favorite childhood players like Jamal Crawford and Monta Ellis, and lemme tell ya, the apple does not fall far from the GOAT. BJ was as pure a gunner as Hoopmixtape has ever seen, and C+/B scoring with high quickness are great base ratings for a rookie. Hopefully his low passing will balance out his iffy handles, and he gets his defense up to serviceable (as unrealistic as that might be).
13. Darren Collison PG 6'0'' 175 22 C- B+ C+ C D+ B
I can already see the wheels in Jayant 's brain turning trying to figure out how to trade up to snag this UCLA legend. Remember when Chris Paul got hurt Collison’s rookie year and Collison came in for the Hornets and immediately was just…Chris Paul? Peep DC’s career stats – he was inches from being a 50/40/90 guy in a couple of different years and he rarely turned it over for a PG. He has the second best Outside in this draft, and the only guy ahead of him is the greatest shooter of all time. The only downside is his low Inside, but guys shaped like Steve Kerr can still light it up when they have high A Outside.
14. Austin Daye SF 6'11'' 220 21 C+ C+ D+ C+ C A
Something sus going on with Dayeman, Champion of the Sun. Yes, he was a 5-star recruit, but he was only pretty good at Gonzaga before going 15th overall in the real draft. What gives with the A potential, then? Could be total misdirection…but his weirdly mediocre notes combined with his legendary European career make me think that there’s a reasonable chance he’s a diamond in the rough. I also love that he was an excellent shot-blocker in college, because wings with that block shots eat first in the Celtics cafeteria.
15. Patrick Beverley PG 6'2'' 180 21 C B- B- B C B
Just a despicable piece of trash every sense of the word. Good handles, good stocks, yadda yadda…this dude is a fucking hack and it pains me to include him in my Big Board. However, it would risk my journalistic integrity (this is a pretty low bar) to leave an ex-Rocket with great notes off the list. Just don’t come complaining to me when he shoots 30% from the floor, gets suspended 20 games for fighting, and then gets on a podcast after the season and demands that the GM be fired.
Honestly, spots 8-15 are a bit of a toss up, with like 10-12 quality players in that range. Curious to hear from the non-drafters where y'all think I got it wrong!
All of you Mario Party 3 connoisseurs know how god awful this mini-game was; fortunately for us, the 2009 Draft class is the opposite.
But let’s turn back the clock to this year, which was hard on an American people still recovering from the collapse of the world economy and the nationwide cinematic release of Eddie Murphy’s “Meet Dave.”
H1N1 swine flu swept the nation, killing thousands; thankfully it didn’t affect our newly elected president Barry O, as he was already sick as FUCK at ball. We collectively mourned the loss of Hall of Fame diddler Michael Jackson, whose tell-all Netflix special hadn’t hit the airwaves yet so our parents were still defending his blatant molestering.
Above all, though, it was perhaps the toughest year for our beloved Bulls GM, Tiny Gallon ; not only did his hero Tiger Woods announce his indefinite leave from golf to focus on his marriage (lol nice work there, chief), but the UN made Armenia and Turkey agree to reopen their borders to each other after almost 200 years of closure. Fuck Cenk Akyol, am I right.
Anyways, I forget where I was going with that. Here are the basketball guys:
1. Steph Curry PG 6'2'' 185 21 C A- C C C- A
Sweet Jesus – shield your eyes. The one knock on this fella is that he definitely spent way too much time practicing 3-pointers from 45 feet and not enough time figuring out how to pronounce the name “Steve.” Otherwise, what more could you ask for? He should have just about the highest volume we have ever seen at the PG position and it will take him all of 15 minutes to reach A+ Outside. What prime Dirk is to the 3, and prime Manu is to the 2, Young Chef will be to the 1. High steals, low passing, infuriating shimmying, infinite mouthguard munching.
2. James Harden PG 6'5'' 220 20 B- B- B C C A
I see: tubby free throw merchant in serious need of a shave. SLN scouts see: gamebreaking SLN talent probably best suited for the 2 instead of the 1. Harden is a Carmelo-level scorer who gets the added benefit of going through TCs as a PG, which is a terrifying thought. I’m guessing he’ll have rookie Francis-esque handles, but it simply won’t matter when he’s getting you 38 a game, or he’s on a team with a selfless Jason Hart-type PG. Stipulation: if he plays on a losing team for more than 3 seasons in a row, he automatically gains 50 pounds and develops a “hamstring injury” until he is traded.
3. Blake Griffin PF 6'9'' 250 20 B+ C C C+ C+ A
Perennial Blake of the Year candidate Mr. Griffin joins us at number 3. While he his dunk-contest winning dunk was weak as shit (the one over the Kia that Shawn kemp said he could still do at age 41), he will be teabagging SLN Centers for years to come. Highest Inside in the draft (although likely jumping-boosted) and bordering on B- Rebounding are really nice…and I have faith that ashes agrees the league is a better place if Griffin is a star. The one tiny thing that gives me pause with him is the fact that his draft profile and starting ratings look almost identical to one Amare Stoudemire...who is currently toiling in SA to hold onto his bench minutes, while Spurs locker room whispers suggest he’s just getting burn because the GM is a Jewish Knicks fan…Hopefully Blake gets a better *bounce.*
4. Tyreke Evans SG 6'6'' 220 20 B- C+ C+ C+ C A
To this day I’m convinced that Reke tried harder at random Pro-Ams than he did in the actual NBA…If there was an activity in class in HS that required the use of computers, you better believe I was spending that period binging Tyreke Evans Youtube videos. His low C+ Outside isn’t the best for a guy listed at SG, but Evans isn’t going to be Ron Mercer; he’s gonna have people asking for Ron Mercy when he burgles their ankles on the way to the rim.
5. Ricky Rubio PG 6'2'' 190 19 D+ F- A- F- D- A
I mean I’ve got no fucking clue what to do with Rubio, whose name translated to English is Richard Rubenstein – go figure. He could be top 3, he could be worse than the C-list boy band after which he styled his hair. His draft profile is a herring redder than the devil’s dick, so that’s out the window. All we know is he’s 19 and has the highest scouted potential in the draft as a PG, and that is MUY PICANTE. In real life, he was always close to the league lead in both assists and steals, but had an absurdly low TO rate despite how much he handled the ball. At the same time, he never scored more than 13 a game on better than 42% from the floor. He’s either white Rondo or he’s Shaun Livingston with knees. Only one way to find out.
6. Jrue Holiday PG 6'4'' 205 19 C B- B C C- A
Jrue comes right after Festivus in my all time favorite holidays. In an exceptionally PG-heavy draft, he's likely to be the most well-rounded prospect after Curry and has as high a floor as you could ask for. One of only two teenagers in this file, his ratings are only so-so at the moment but his upside is tremendous. The silver lining of his C Defense rating to start is that it’s probably all steals, which is pretty cool – dude has stickier fingers than Nav after putting down two straight Gotta-Have-Its from Coldstone.
7. DeMar DeRozan SG 6'6'' 220 20 B+ C C C C A
Today, he's the Master of the Midrange in an era where they’re considering adding a four- or five-point shot…but in our year 2009, his skillset as an isolation scorer should earn him his gamecheck in SLN. High C Outside should continue to tick up as he goes through camps at SG, so I’m thinking he ends up essentially being gaptooth Caron Butler with a little more scoring and potential and a little less defense and rebounding, which all in all is a pretty solid result. Word on the street is his dental work nearly bankrupted the Canadian government and ended socialism up north.
8. Wesley Matthews SG 6'5'' 220 23 C+ B- C C+ C- B
I simply cannot count the number of times I reached for this guy in a fantasy basketball draft. Lights out 3PT shooting and zero TOs, Matthews and Troy Murphy were absolute Yahoo Fantasy cheat codes around this time. Matthew’s notes are pretty much as perfect as you could ask, with good quickness and strength to go along with consistently positive adjectives for his skills across the board.
9. Hasheem Thabeet C 7'3'' 263 22 C D+ D- B- C+ A
In an era where butts are a dying breed, Mr. Thabeet may have some *outsized* value. His scout’s take is in my top 5 all time, right after Dajaun Wagner’s “if you could get negative rebounds, he would.” Low B- Defense and low C+ rebounding don’t exactly spell “shorts-busting cheeks” but A scouted potential is A scouted potential, even for a brick-handed ogre, and this is riiiight around that time in the draft where a team thin in the frontcourt might draft for need over BPA.
10. Ty Lawson PG 5'11'' 195 22 C B B C+ D+ B
Somehow not an NFL cornerback despite his height, weight and name, Lawson is the first of the “other PGs” in this draft; not A potential-type guys, but very clear top 10 picks in pretty much every draft except 2009. 4 PGs in this draft without a draft profile in this class can’t go to the NDL! The Motor City Cruise are absolutely furious. Lawson is the best of the bunch, with rebounding his only bugaboo at a Keebler-elf-sized 5’11.
11. Marcus Thornton SG 6'4'' 205 22 B- B- C C C B
In contrast to #12, as pure and generic basketball name as they come. But some of you will remember that around 2010, when the Kings were pretty much the worst team in the league, this dude got infinite buckets while nobody else was on the roster except rookie Boogie. I think Thornton is the next Dahntay Jones, but he’s probably already a better rebounder at the time of the draft. B-/B- scoring coming into the league is tasty. Reach candidate!
12. Brandon Jennings PG 6'1'' 170 20 C+ B C+ C C- B
Fits squarely into the family tree of Joe’s favorite childhood players like Jamal Crawford and Monta Ellis, and lemme tell ya, the apple does not fall far from the GOAT. BJ was as pure a gunner as Hoopmixtape has ever seen, and C+/B scoring with high quickness are great base ratings for a rookie. Hopefully his low passing will balance out his iffy handles, and he gets his defense up to serviceable (as unrealistic as that might be).
13. Darren Collison PG 6'0'' 175 22 C- B+ C+ C D+ B
I can already see the wheels in Jayant 's brain turning trying to figure out how to trade up to snag this UCLA legend. Remember when Chris Paul got hurt Collison’s rookie year and Collison came in for the Hornets and immediately was just…Chris Paul? Peep DC’s career stats – he was inches from being a 50/40/90 guy in a couple of different years and he rarely turned it over for a PG. He has the second best Outside in this draft, and the only guy ahead of him is the greatest shooter of all time. The only downside is his low Inside, but guys shaped like Steve Kerr can still light it up when they have high A Outside.
14. Austin Daye SF 6'11'' 220 21 C+ C+ D+ C+ C A
Something sus going on with Dayeman, Champion of the Sun. Yes, he was a 5-star recruit, but he was only pretty good at Gonzaga before going 15th overall in the real draft. What gives with the A potential, then? Could be total misdirection…but his weirdly mediocre notes combined with his legendary European career make me think that there’s a reasonable chance he’s a diamond in the rough. I also love that he was an excellent shot-blocker in college, because wings with that block shots eat first in the Celtics cafeteria.
15. Patrick Beverley PG 6'2'' 180 21 C B- B- B C B
Just a despicable piece of trash every sense of the word. Good handles, good stocks, yadda yadda…this dude is a fucking hack and it pains me to include him in my Big Board. However, it would risk my journalistic integrity (this is a pretty low bar) to leave an ex-Rocket with great notes off the list. Just don’t come complaining to me when he shoots 30% from the floor, gets suspended 20 games for fighting, and then gets on a podcast after the season and demands that the GM be fired.
Honestly, spots 8-15 are a bit of a toss up, with like 10-12 quality players in that range. Curious to hear from the non-drafters where y'all think I got it wrong!