Sim League Nirvana

The year is 2010. You’re cruising your 03 Camry around the school parking lot looking for the spot closest to the exit that gives you a straight shot to Wendy’s when the lunch bell dings. The only TikTok you’ve ever heard of is the new Ke$ha song that your little sister came out on stage to at her bat mitzvah. You pull out your Blackberry Bold to BBM your crush and ask if she wants to smoke with you at the soccer field before class – she leaves you on read, so you poke her on Facebook - foolproof. Life is good.

Life was good in the NBA, as well. The era of hoopmixtape heroes was reaching a crescendo, and John Wall was the conductor, first chair violin, and all the timpanis put together. Wall was perhaps the second most anticipated thing in 2010 after the series finale of Lost, but thankfully he didn’t turn out to be a steaming piece of elephant shit like that episode (don’t @me, Matt). Still, there was a far less heralded player from a mid-major in the middle of nowhere that would end up being the prize of this top-heavy class.

Editor’s note: I started writing the first blurb of this like 3 weeks ago and then got murdered at work and now I’m in Canada for Calvin’s 30th and I gotta squeeze out the whole thing in the 90 minutes before we go to dinner, so the jokes may not be all that this year, and the order is…a little under-researched. I’ll get ‘em in 2011, sorry fellas.



1. Paul George SG 6'8'' 220 20 B- C+ C B C A

PG-13’s profile is as R-rated as it gets. I’m not going to come out and say that that “Top 5 at each position” pod was a sound, scientific, consistent analysis of the current player pool (whoever said Kendrick Perkins is a top 5 Center might have to be the first GM to ever be put on probation), but those boys were right about the scarcity of star-level all-around wings. So while PG might not quite be DWade, he will be a part of that elite cabal of 2-way killers at the SG when all is said and done. I know some O6 guys believe in the legend of “clutch gene” code embedded into certain players in FBB, so as long as you don’t put any faith in that you have nothing to worry about with Playoff P.


2. DeMarcus Cousins C 6'11'' 270 20 B C+ C C B A

The biggest Boogie you’ve ever seen since that fat kid who openly picked his nose your 6th grade history class. Eddy Curry turning into the Eddy Curry we see today was quite a pleasant surprise – but if you could get a guy that you knew at draft day would turn into what Eddy Curry is now, how high would you reach for him, I ask? Cousins is going to hurtle toward A inside and A rebounding in his first few camps, and we’ve seen that Centers with really high potential can end up as elite shotblockers even if they have weak defensive notes at draft (looking at you, Primoz), just because of the way Center camps tend to go. Bad handles are bad handles but they’re kinda fitting because this is a bad, bad melonfarmer.


3. Jeremy Lin PG 6'3'' 200 22 C+ B- B- C C- B

Geolocation services confirmed Ashes was, in fact, in his bag at the time this draft profile was posted. As polarizing and mercurial a draft choice as we’ve seen to date, he could end up winning you a key playoff series singlehandedly, or you could end up as disappointed with his performance as Jeremy’s parents were when he came home from Harvard with a 3.1 GPA. You’re going to start him – but, are his handles going to be good enough to play the 1 on a good team? Or his strength/Inside high enough to play the 2? The reality is, anything is possible with PG camps, so if the answer to either of those questions ends up being yes then you have a real life cheat code.


4. Hassan Whiteside C 7'0'' 265 21 C+ D+ D- C+ C+ A

I’ll be the first to say, I did not have Hassan Whiteside showing the highest scouted potential in the draft class on my bingo card. Profiles like this get me feeling like I’m ready to make some absolutely horrendous decisions – but Whiteside looks like he’s got solid base stats! I worry a teensy bit that he’s only starting at C+ Inside (anything less than A- long-term probably won’t be viable on offense), but his Rebounding is bordering on B-, his C+ Defense definitely has plenty of blocks, and his Snapchat game is next level (Google it, you won't be disappointed).


5. John Wall PG 6'3'' 210 20 B- C B+ B C- A

Just some scary stuff about this guy’s profile, and I’m not talking about the fact that he had a B&E on his record before he graduated high school. Super high strength and quickness (although perhaps not quick enough to evade the cops on the way out of that house lol) are awesome for a PG, and his pedigree, potential and getting PG camps are enough to get him a top 5 nod. All that said, poor shooting, high passing, and bad handles are a nasty combination for a guy you’re planning to build a team around - might be a balanced offense 2-guard when all's said and done.


6. Gordon Hayward SF 6'7'' 225 20 B- B- C+ C C A

Lemme tell, Boston fans are gonna cheer for this guy when he comes to town no matter what team he’s on. With the second highest Outside in the class, I like the idea of his physical tools dominating on offense at the 2, even if he’s a turnstile on D. I see Hayward as kind of Diet Carmelo Anthony, with likely a bit less volume and a hair less rebounding, but he’ll be that kind of guy. Once he gets to the pros and changes his hair from that bowl cut to elite fuckboy, he's going to be in the conversation with Jaric and Lou Will for biggest stickman in the league.


7. Avery Bradley PG 6'3'' 180 20 C B- C B D+ A

One of my all time favorite Celtics, while he was healthy he was a legitimate defensive cheatcode (which was like 40 games a year). The handling issue is definitely concerning, but deploying guys like this as a backup 1-2 seems to be a good way around that. Also, he’s definitely JUICED with potential so the TOs might take care of themselves in a couple camps - there’s no way Ashes doesn’t give AB that UT boost.


8. Evan Turner SG 6'6'' 220 22 C+ C+ C+ C+ C A

So many ex-Celtics on this list! Always thought of him as sort of OK at everything, so it was vindicating to see him with C+’s across the board, that’s exactly the grade I would give his career. I was always confused was Stevens gave him so many minutes just to watch him dribble twelve times but be too slow to beat anybody so he’d just settle for a pull up 15 footer. Fortunately this version of him has solid strength and quickness, so he seems like a good candidate for deployment at the 2, as long as you don’t need him to be more than a 3rd option at best.


9. Derrick Favors PF 6'9'' 265 19 B- C D B- C+ A

When this guy was drafted, I thought he was going to be the next KG, couldn’t have been higher on him, as were many others. Needless to say, those expectations didn’t do him any…favors. Still, I think he’s got pretty cool upside as a Sheed-lite type guy; given how good his athletic traits are, there’s an argument to be made that he could be super valuable if switched to SF early on and his offense juiced in camps. Could see him looking like Josh Smith with better rebounding if the dice rolls go his way, and stocky wings are the absolute TITS.


10. Eric Bledsoe PG 6'1'' 214 21 C+ B- C C+ C B

PGs that get lots of rebounds always catch my eye around draft time, and Bledsoe could easily be a C+ type guy in a couple camps. His only defect is his handles, but that might be balanced out a bit but what appears to be very low passing (pretty true to his real life profile, dude came into games to get buckets and not much else). I wouldn’t be surprised if he flies up draft boards, love him as a reach candidate.


11. Wesley Johnson SF 6'7'' 215 23 C+ C+ C- B- C B

Per the last few pods, it seems we as a league could definitely use an influx of quality wings, and Wes’s high potential could see him rise to become a quality starter. He ain’t much to look at right now, except for that enticing “project player” designation. Last few guys with that tag were: Doody Ebi and Derek Anderson. Let’s hope he doesn’t turn out like the former.


12. Larry Sanders C 6'11'' 235 22 C D D B B- B

As Big Butts become a dying breed (first sign of the Buttpocalypse was Jesse changing the ranking formula – never thought I’d see the day), guys like Sanders who tend to re-sign for low numbers will go from being traded for RP to much, much more. High B Defense and high B- rebounding look nice on this young fella, seems like he’ll be SLN ready right off the bat if he doesn’t pop down to the NDL to get a couple boosts first. Stipulation: if he gets Severe Depression, he immediately retires. Too soon? Almost certainly.


13. Greg Monroe C 6'11'' 265 20 B- C- D+ B B- B

I know he’s got a draft profile, but I need to see one of these Boozer/Millsap-shaped guys actually be plus players before I put Monroe in the top 10. High steals are nice, but I like my big boys protecting the rim, and with only “decent” post scoring, that sounds like he’s going to take a bunch of shots at 42% a game. If he can fight his way up to A- Inside then come back and talk to me - until then, he’s interesting because of his rebounding and positional defense (and probably potential) and not a whole lot else.


14. Al-Farouq Aminu SF 6'8'' 220 20 B- C D+ B+ C+ B

He reads exactly like the new generation of the Sandwich – call him the Uncrustable. Good scoring inside, lots of stocks and boards, should always have a spot down in Sacramento, as Ashes mentioned. I did NOT expect him to be one of the “can’t go the NDL” guys – EXTREMELY interesting. Might be some juice here.


15. Patrick Patterson PF 6'8'' 235 21 B C+ D+ C C+ B

Definitely profiles as a small forward, or potentially a cornerback. It’s insane a guy with a name like this didn’t end up playing football – this name sounds like so many different football names! Anyways, he’s pretty much on here because he got that No NDL tag, and that always makes people reach. Cole Aldrich and General Greivis could probably pop into this spot too, but I gotta run to Hibachi so I’m not overthinkin’ it. Need to remember to ask for the Weston special (double rice) – it’s a 300 IQ move for those who haven’t tried it, Tiny Gallon can confirm.