Sim League Nirvana

2011 was a big year for many of us SLN GMs. I graduated high school, The Stockton Kangz finished up his 200th FBB season, and of course, Hoff was born. In the real NBA, the slight decline in the value of the USD brought with it a growth in European trade, including an absolutely massive influx to the league of big white stiffs with 7-syllable last names who, without a doubt, smell strongly of cabbage. After the windfall of point gods and two way bigs we’ve seen hit the draft boards in the last couple years, it’s nice to see a draft with some extra juicy, hot and spicy WINGS like we got in this here crop, too. Anyways, it seems unlikely that I’ll end up with the top lotto odds this year, so here’s a fake Big Board to throw you hyenas off the scent in the 3 to 7 range.


1. Kawhi Leonard SF 6'7'' 225 20 B- C+ C B+ C A

The Klaw figures to have the league in a stranglehold in short order, thanks to his hubcap-sized mitts. His inside is on the cusp of flat B as a rookie, and that combined with his apparently low starting passing rating and good handles notes suggest that he’ll be able to carry plenty of scoring volume to go along with stifling defense once he’s all grown up. Eventually he’ll learn how to shoot three pointers and laugh like he’s not an alien wearing human skin.


2. Jimmy Butler SG 6'7'' 230 22 C+ B- C+ C+ C A

If you, like me, are looking around the league for where Paul George’s clutch gene disappeared to, look no further than HIMothy Butler. In fact, I think he’s probably managed to stuff 8 or 9 of those babies into his genetic code, those stupid science bitches be damned. One of the few players that I still love to watch even after he’s delivered my hometown team Death by a Thousand 8 Foot Jumpers on so many occasions. I love the super high strength, as that will allow him to play both wing spots effectively and still get his Jimmy buckets. Some day in the not too distant future, Grant Williams will be drafted and play some bench minutes in a key playoff series and decide that it’s a good time to talk shit to ol’ Jimbo. That will be the last time Grant Williams gets any bench minutes with a team in a key playoff series.


3. Kyrie Irving PG 6'2'' 195 19 B- B C C C- A

As a player, he’s going to be basically perfect and have a million potential at age 19 at the league’s most important position, so how much does it really matter that he thinks that aliens in movies were all based on real aliens but thinks dinosaurs never existed? It all kind of depends on how this “team morale” stip works. Is he going to lower his teammates’ Loyalty ratings? Will he impact his or their decision to play in the playoffs? Or their actual performance? Bottom line, let’s all be thankful “COVID-19” isn’t an injury that’s programmed into the game. The good news is that Ashes only gives really bad stips to the guys that complete monsters; Jeremy Lin is going to be unstoppable 20 days a year and meh the rest…so it probably makes sense to draft a guy in the top 3 who’s going to be unstoppable 80 to 100 days a year and disappear the rest?


4. Klay Thompson SG 6'6'' 215 21 C+ B C C+ C- A

The scouts might think that Klay won’t be a truly elite player, but if you slapped say, Ryan Gomes’ defense onto prime Michael Redd and tried to tell me that guy wasn’t elite, I’d definitely wonder about what rock you were living under. Since the dawn of SLN, the guys that can reach the upper echelons of A Outside (or even A+) have been borderline gamebreaking, and Klay has as good a chance as anyone to get there, with his Outside already bordering on B+. Doesn’t hurt that his C+ Inside is bordering on B- either. Make sure you remember to bring your toaster to the draft so he can sign it.


5. Kemba Walker PG 6'0'' 184 21 C+ B- C B- C- A

Feels like there’s a substantial quality drop-off after Kemba on this list, so it’s going to be a pretty humongous chafe when my pick drops outside the top 5 this lotto. Walker’s starting ratings are simply sexual for a rookie PG, with good bases for scoring, defense and rebounding and relatively low grade where the passing lives. He’s so well-rounded you could probably put two fingers in his nose and roll him down a well-greased bowling lane. His one weakness, which is…weakness, should be pretty easily solved with a little attention in camps. I have a weird feeling this guy is going to be the next Jameer Nelson and could end up the best guy in the draft not named Kawhi.


6. Tobias Harris PF 6'8'' 226 19 B- B- C- C C+ B

Harris definitely feels like the top non-profile fella of the bunch - his ratings are pretty immaculate, especially for a teenager, with that B- Outside bordering on B and starting at C+ rebounding, which is stellar for a guy almost certainly bound for the SF position. Middling C Defense is a little concerning, though his physical tools on Offense should more than make up for it. If he gets that coveted teenager potential boost, he could end up a perennial All-Star.


7. Brandon Knight PG 6'2'' 182 20 C B- C+ C D+ A

Most folks remember him for getting violently baptized on live television by a certain SLN Celtic, but hopefully Knight forges a differently legacy in our simulation, and one with significantly fewer nutsacks smushed on his forehead. He gets a spot up here at #7 because he’s a point guard with A potential and mention of good upside, he’s just not much to look at from a ratings standpoint just yet. This is the first guy on the list that has a chance of ending up a bust, though he could also end up a quality starter if you get lucky. Good option for a team that’s a few years away from being a few years away..


8. Derrick Williams PF 6'8'' 240 20 B- C D+ C+ C+ A

The scouts love his frame and bound, but unfortunately for Mr. Williams, size, length and athleticism count for dick in SLN. Without fitting neatly into a single position (I’d guess he should play 3 for an Inside/Balanced squad, I guess?) he’s a true lottery ticket; you’re just banking on some good TC rolls to turn him into a viable starter, but that’s not a bad bet. Worst case scenario, he could end up being a solid defense and rebounding utility backup.


9. Isaiah Thomas PG 5'9'' 185 22 C+ B C+ C- D B

IT’s draft notes and ratings look an AWFUL lot like He Who Shall Not Be Guarded himself, Jamal Crawford (starting ratings: C+ B C+ C D+ A, and that’s before he got the -10 handles being moved to PG). Not saying that Thomas will necessarily end up a starter on multiple championship teams, but he’s that kind of spark plug on offense; probably going to be best deployed as a backup combo guard on a team that starts plenty of defense and rebounding.


10. Nikola Vucevic C 6'10'' 260 21 B- B- C B- B- B

Ah, straight B minuses – as a young Tiny Gallon once said when he got his similarly-styled Econ exam grades back, “just what the doctor ordered.” Unfortunately for Vooch, that same Matt will be badmouthing him on the boards for the duration of his career. He does look a little Mehmet-y, which is exciting, he’s just not at the top end of any of those ratings and only sports B Potential so I’m probably more inclined to say he’s just OK rather than just Okur. If you supercamp his scoring, he could certainly end up as an Al Jeff type player without the stocks, the question is whether he’ll ever be quite that efficient.


11. Jonas Valanciunas C 6'11'' 265 20 B C C B- C+ A

You can almost smell the cabbage through the screen. Nice ratings and a shining A potential, but the notes aren’t screaming “draft me.” Solid rebounding and positional defense going together with only “decent” scoring ability, okay handles and a marked stock deficiency does not a starting big make, typically. Wake me up when Marc Gasol has done one useful thing in SLN. That said, the ValanChooChoo train has got the real-life pedigree for sure, he’s got the highest starting Inside in the draft, and we know there’s exactly zero Jumping hidden in there. I’m not even sure there’s any Running in there to be honest.


12. Marcus Morris SF 6'8'' 218 22 C+ B- C- B- C B

Marcus is the more traditionally shaped and perhaps more useful of the twins, so he makes the Big Board, but I’m assuming that if you take one of these guys you’re going to trade up into a consecutive spot to make sure you can get them both at once (and I could see that being higher, like picks 8 and 9). It might be as simple as free camps, but I’m imagining that if you draft them together, each twin’s attributes rise to the level of the better twin – i.e., if Marcus is 70 Jumpshot and 40 Blocks and Markieff is 45 jumper and 65 blocks, they both end up with 70 Jumpshot and 65 Blocks. Or maybe it's as simple as if one of them wins a title, the other one will also get a "Championships: 1" on their player page, because they probably switched places during a few of the playoff games.


13. Bojan Bogdanovic SF 6'7'' 226 22 B- B C- C C- B

Neither big nor stiff nor related to 2014 draftee Bogdan (TBD on the cabbage situation), Bojan should carve his own unique path through SLN and I expect it to be a successful one. Aside from Jimmer, he’s got the prettiest starting scoring ratings in the file, and notes that match. His C defense is on the low end of the grade, which definitely isn’t great, but we’ve seen no shortage of successful players in the Corey Spaghetti mold, which I think is where I see him ending up.


14. Tristan Thompson PF 6'9'' 254 20 C+ D+ C- C+ B- A

It’s pretty unusual that a guy that has good upside noted in his profile (and A potential!) doesn’t have the “Can’t go to the NDL tag.” I’m not totally sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but it definitely makes Thompson an attractive pick in the 14-16 range. You won’t go wrong going for a prototypical Big Butt in this spot in the draft – Tristan, however, cannot seem to go right when he comes across a big butt himself, so do with that what you will. As Ray Allen transitions out of the league, it’s good to know there’s a new holder of the “Horniest Man Alive” title entering SLN.


15. Bismack Biyombo C 6'8'' 255 19 C D+ D+ B+ C+ B

I couldn’t keep the guy with the highest Defense rating in the draft file off the Big Board, especially when he’s still a teenager with what appears to be very solid potential – he might even be playable right off the bat. Elite rim protectors will become harder and harder to find, especially ones that don’t have any interest in playing Offense and actually put in some elbow grease on the glass, so come get your Bismack while it’s hot.