A GREAT FRAMEWORK FOR A BIRTHDAY PARTY [SWAMPSTORYZ 7]

[SWAMP STEVEN]

They ask me what I do and who I do it for (NBA and Draft analysis; ESPN via The Walt Disney Company). And how I come up with this sim up on the Boards that's Pro. All I want for my birthdaaaaaaaaaay is a big booty center; all I'm yellin on WOODAY is its Raptors forever.

Toronto Raptors owner, CEO, president of basketball operations and Offensive T-Shirt Cannon launcher (trademarked, but in the Canadian custom of polite reservation, so if anyone wants to steal it they probably can and honestly should. But maybe not, because it ruined my granduncle's Quinceañera. It's unique to the Air Canada Centre, and trust me when I say they are OFFENSIVE. A child's medium promotional shirt that reads, "FBI - FEMALE BODY INSPECTOR"?!?!? What the fuck, man? A XXXL denim hoodie featuring an embroidered Marge Simpson with exaggeratedly perky knockers, getting railed by the Raptor in the undeniable likeness of Marcin Gortat??? Who is this for?) Jeremy Woo is turning 31 years old today. To honor the commitment this man regularly shows the SLN, Steven "The Cocaine Muffin" Trudeau, an editorial indentured servant of SwampMedia LLC, surveyed the league on how his simulated birthday should go down.

Kevin Garnett, Forward, Raptors: For his bday, well, what do you get the man who has everything? If you figure it out, let me know, because Jaleel White's 40th booze cruise is kinda like the Met Gala of the greater Ontario social scene. As for Jeremy, I'm paying for a station at the party to be like Cold Stone for steaks. Pick the temperature, the cut, the cow, the method of slaughter, all that, then watch the staff go to work right in front of you. If you tip, they have to sing you a song, different but equally lazy renditions of Yung Joc's "It's Goin Down." It's 2006!

Antwan Jamison, Forward, Raptors: Well, I'm new here, but Woo was exceedingly kind to me and said "go crazy, kid" when we stopped at the airport Chili's Too. He just gave me his card, which was really nice, despite it being glazed in maple syrup and dog-eared in the corner. I'll get him a gift card, because the way this guy deals, I'm asking for a week-to-week lease on my flat. But the party should be fun, I hope the DJ plays Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone." Duality of 2006 man? No, WOOality of 2006 man. I feel myself already getting goofier in Toronto, fuck.

Antonio Daniels, SLN Player and Long-Rumored Boyf of Jeremy Woo: I got him a sapphire lapis thumb ring, because that's his birthstone. It's made from the gold originally plating his great-grandfather's pocket watch that the family thought perished in The Great War. I made a few calls, compromised a few diplomats, yada yada yada. It's really something slight. Hope the party...has a lot of women and shit, man, I want to be waist-deep in poon, or drowning even. Ohhhhh help me, help me! I need Jeremy costumed as a lifeguard to save me, ohhhh.

Rasheed Wallace, Forward, Bulls: "Love is so short, forgetting is so long." Pablo Neruda wrote that, brother. I got you an advance copy of this band The National's new CD. It's called Boxer, and you'll totally dig it. Sadness is but a bridge between acceptance and forgiveness. You know who wrote that? Rasheed Wallace, brother.

Jason Terry, Guard, Raptors: Got the boss a Dance Dance Revolution open booth at the big party, with a subcontracted third-party petting zoo vendor to provide dancing animals. When you go to bed at night and think to yourself, "what animal dances the best?" (editor: HOW THE FUCK DID HE KNOW?), you may arrive at answers like "crocodile porcupine" or "drunk greyhound." But no, the answer is ligers. Yup, due to the overwhelming cult of personality surrounding the independent film Napoleon Dynamite, the demand for novelty ligers is up, like, 500 percent or some shit. Where you see a funny headline, Jason "Mr. Plane" Terry sees a business opportunity.

Ashes, Almighty Deity and Principal Object of Faith: Your fate awaits...as does one of those new bulky-ass cards where it sings at you upon opening.

Ben Wallace, Center, Suns: Got him Final Fantasy X-2 on Xbox. Yeah, I know he has a PS2. And no, I did not include a receipt. EB Games is super litigious, truuuuust me dawg.

Baron Davis, Guard, Cavaliers: Taylor Hicks wins American Idol. I know you were waiting to finish on TiVo. Eat your heart out.

DMorrel, Owner and GM, 76ers: We were going to coronate the Raptors' 12 game winning streak with a party in Philly at Grady Sizemore's mansion (editor: there is a simultaneous baseball SLN going on in this reality, and Grady Sizemore is an absolute dog for BMorrel's Philadelphia Phillies). We had a great framework for a deal. I don't know what happened, I'm not that mad about it, but like, it's annoying. Honestly it's fine. I'll just trade him Shaun Livingston to atone.