CARLOS LOSER & AN ASSAULT TO THE SENSES - A COMPREHENSIVE ACCOUNT OF THE NETS’ TANK [SWAMPSTORYZ 9]
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SWAMP STEVEN
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CARLOS LOSER & AN ASSAULT TO THE SENSES - A COMPREHENSIVE ACCOUNT OF THE NETS’ TANK [SWAMPSTORYZ 9]
By Steven “The Symbol Formerly Known As Swampdragon” Prokhorov
[SwampStoryz Vol. 1 - A TWO PACK OF ASS]
[SwampStoryz Vol. 2 - HE'S HALF SPORT UTILITY VEHICLE]
[SwampStoryz Vol. 3 - JAMAAL BE CAREFUL!]
[SwampStoryz Vol. 4 - BIG GIRTHY AND THE BUTT LASAGNA]
[SwampStoryz Vol. 5 - REDACTED TRANSCRIPT OF WOO ON LOWE POST]
[SwampStoryz Vol. 6 - A LEAGUE IN LOCKOUT]
[SwampStoryz Vol. 7 - A GREAT FRAMEWORK FOR A BIRTHDAY PARTY]
[SwampStoryz Vol. 8 - XXX WAYS J.O. COULD HAVE BLURRED HIS VISION]
As of this writing, the New Jersey Nets are 21-52. For a franchise that has averaged 41.7 wins per season since the SLN’s inception, this marks a first outright tanking effort. Ownership called SwampMedia wire writers to the Nets’ executive suite (affectionately known as “Da Basketball Zone”) where they listened to that Madonna/Justin Timberlake “WE ONLY GOT FOUR MINUTES TO SAAAAVEEE THE WORLD” song on the general manager’s LG Chocolate, because it’s 2009. In response to requests for an analytical and comprehensive review of all this losing, the aforementioned writers have found some significant comorbidities in L-taking. Here is an abridged summary of why and how the Nets arrived at each of their losses this season.
Wizards by 2 - MARKETING - home opener crowd noticeably disengaged & incorrigibly horny for I Love New Jersey Night, in which the busted half-sister of Tiffany “New York” Pollard tooted on fans’ foreheads.
Jazz by 24 - RAYMOND FELTON - Raymond Felton revenge game. PG told management, “I’m so 3008, you’re so 2000 and late.”
Bucks by 9 - TRAINING - team eschewed practicing to play what was called “real-life Diner Dash” [editor’s note: it really sounds like they had contracted SLN players waiting tables?!]
Suns by 6 - WAY TOO MUCH AIOLI - a DC experiment gone awry.
Pistons by 9 - WAY TOO MUCH AIOLI - does our readership have any idea what emulsified olive oil does to hardwood?
Pacers by 36 - ON COURT - Kobe Bryant scored a game-high 35 points. If all of Kobe Bryant’s points were arbitrarily granted to the Nets, they still would have lost.
Lakers by 2 - ON COURT - Michael Redd scored a game-high 47 points. If all of Michael Redd’s points were similarly gifted to the Nets, they would’ve blown the hinges off of this Lakers squad. Improvement imminent?
Hornets by 7 - GENERAL MANAGER - chemistry was thrown off by the acquisition of Scot “The Other Sister of Tiffany ‘New York’ Pollard” Pollard. He played 10 minutes, yet Nets were -97 with him on the floor.
Pistons by 2 - SUSPICIOUS - first flagged instance of what is now identified as Operation Tank Johnson. Remember him, the defensive tackle? It’s 2009.
Jazz by 24 - RAYMOND FELTON - 38 minutes, 33 points, 5 rebounds, 5 assists and 3 stocks.
Sonics by 11 - RIGHTEOUS FURY OF ARES - Nick really wants those picks back.
Lakers by 10 - ON COURT - Steve Francis 32/7/9/6 steals, simply wanted it more.
Suns by 31 - JOHN MCCAIN DINNER - Who the fuck else would load up on shrimp cocktail at an election-night fundraiser for the failed neoconservative presidential campaign? Scot goddamn Pollard, who registered a -112 in his 16 minutes.
Sonics by 8 - RIGHTEOUS FURY OF ARES - Reaffirmed that Nick really, really wants those picks back.
Magic by 16 - WAY TOO MUCH AIOLI - first time was trying something new, this was just replicating idiocracy. Ownership doomed to repeat history if it refuses to learn from mistakes.
Spurs by 41 - DIDN’T WANNA WASTE THEIR TIME BECOMING ANOTHER CASUALTY OF SOCIETY THEY’LL NEVER FALL IN LINE BECOMING ANOTHER VICTIM OF CONFORMITY - Upon complete investigation, Nets coaches absolutely lost by this precise amount to guzzle out of the Fourteen Loko tap and coarsely belt this Sum 41 anthem.
Raptors by 20 - SUSPICIOUS - a second case of Shoeless Joe Jacksoning, by which I mean the team refused to play in sneakers as a conscientious dissent on the War in Iraq. This is flagged because Nets ownership is so much smarter & better at this than Woo is, so something must be up.
76ers by 11 - ON COURT - Nate Robinson absolutely freaked and leaked in LeBron’s absence.
Kings by 14 - OFF COURT - Team felt “moral and metaphysical obligation” to stop at Sacramento’s Red Lobster (largest franchise location in continental United States) and record shellfish eating contest between Carlos Boozer & Jermaine O’Neal.
Pacers by 6 - ON COURT - again, if the Nets had Kobe Bryant’s scoring count for them instead of the Pacers, they absolutely win this game.
Knicks by 42 - OFF COURT - stayed up too late at teams’ joint sleepover party, dubbed “The Hudson Hang.” [Editors’ note: great seeing ya, Nav, thanks for hosting!]
Rockets by 23 - ON COURT - Jermaine O’Neal was a stealthy tank commander for this team, he went 3 for 17 in this game.
Cavs by 8 - RAYMOND FELTON - it was actually just a Nick Collison thing, RAYMOND FELTON tag as its own category felt functionally useless unless merged with the other revenge games.
Spurs by 7 - OFF COURT - Team was partying night before at SWAMPAZZ, west Trenton’s premier no-shoes strip club, in celebration of beating Woo’s Raptors.
Clippers by 9 - SUSPICIOUS - Critical loss to a rival tankeress, all game notes were disappeared upon SwampMedia FOIA request.
Bulls by 26 - GENERAL MANAGER - Why bring in Kyle Korver to play 19 minutes and not shoot any 3s? He brings fellow Creighton alumni Dem Franchize Boyz courtside to the games, but at what cost?
Knicks by 3 - OFF COURT - it was Nets’ turn to host previously-referenced sleepover, and SwampMedia confirms they did not take nut allergies into account.
Hawks by 4 - SCRONY - players chose to play after facing individual sherm blunts in conscious dissent against Scrony’s sacking.
Bulls by 44 - I’LL BE THERE WHEN YOUR HEART STOPS BEATING - slightly more in the pop-punk weeds but a clear coaches’ choice to lose by the exact margin of Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker’s post-Blink musical endeavor.
Pacers by 10 - ON COURT - Nets lose by 10 and Kobe Bryant scores 29. Say it with us now, readership: if Kobe’s points counted for the Nets instead of the Pacers, they would’ve won this game.
Bullets by 3 - ON COURT - Chris Paul had 25 points, 13 assists, 6 steals and 5 rebounds.
Heat by 11 - WAY TOO MUCH AIOLI - disheartening to have to keep citing this. Unfortunately for your correspondent, this is where the Nets quadrupled-down on the aioli thing as an identity and a protest movement…
Knicks by 11 - WAY TOO MUCH AIOLI - you know, I have a bachelor’s of science in journalism.
Bucks by 27 - WAY TOO MUCH AIOLI - in the name of balanced reportage, the Nets beat the Raptors for a second time this season using the aioli first-option strategy.
Magic by 48 - RAYMOND FELTON - in biggest loss of year, Nets watch Jermaine O’Neal grab 19 rebounds and block 7 shots.
Celtics by 54 - WAY TOO MUCH AIOLI - the Nets took their biggest L of the season, then said, “hold my aioli” and proceeded to fall 54 points short.
Trail Blazers by 6 - ON COURT - gameplay undoubtedly affected by team commissioning DMB cover band to perform “Ants Marcin” for entirety of second quarter.
Grizzlies by 18 - MARKETING - Ed Hardy Night, presented by Ed Hardy and Javaris Crittenton Foundation for American Tax Reform, was visual travesty and unmitigated disaster.
Cavs by 24 - ON COURT - former SwampMedia video intern Josh Smith dropped 35 points.
Bucks by 22 - ON COURT - current SwampMedia video intern CJ Miles shoots 3 for 16 from the field.
Trail Blazers by 51 - GENERAL MANAGER - Hedo Turkoglu 7 for 23 with a gang of turnovers as first option? What is this, MTV’s Punk’d? It’s not that dated of a reference because it’s 2009.
Bulls by 26 - ON COURT - Tony Parker dropped a sterling 48/7/7 outing with 5 steals and 1 turnover. Someone’s considerably overqualified for the SwampMedia video intern position he’s applying for!
Hornets by 7 - MARKETING - Of course Deng Gai would be upset about his bobblefoot rendering, the feet are comically oversized, and of course that’s the point but it’s still a shoddy idea.
Magic by 5 - RAYMOND FELTON - another JO revenge game with 5 blocks. Game would’ve been tied if SLN adopted Nets’ suggested rule of “one sad vibes consolation point for each JO rejection.”
Nuggets by 26 - SCRONY - Nets pull ahead of both Nuggets and rival Hawks in tank standings with crucial loss.
Hawks by 24 - SCRONY - Simply must be on purpose, several Nets were seen biting their tongues to stop from laughing. That also might've been the MDMA seeped in their headbands, Hendrix-style.
Pacers by 10 - ON COURT - getting tired of explaining the Kobe thing. Another Pacers game stolen from the Nets.
Bulls by 1 - WAY TOO MUCH AIOLI - the place still reeks of garlic.
Mavericks by 6 - SUSPICIOUS - losing to perhaps the worst team in the league all but concludes successful Operation Tank Johnson.
Raptors by 7 - WAY WOO MUCH AIOLI - sorry once again, Jere, invoice the team for dry cleaning.
Heat by 23 - RAYMOND FELTON - SwampMedia totally forgot about the Marko Jaric thing, remember all that?
Grizzlies by 8 - GENERAL MANAGER - still unsure how to pronounce any part of Andris Biedrins’ name, the public address guy is taking increasingly silly liberties in how he says it.
CONCLUSION - The primary factors in the Nets’ tremendous losing are as follows: poor on-court performance, not having Kobe Bryant’s points count for them, and way too much aioli.
[SwampStoryz Vol. 1 - A TWO PACK OF ASS]
[SwampStoryz Vol. 2 - HE'S HALF SPORT UTILITY VEHICLE]
[SwampStoryz Vol. 3 - JAMAAL BE CAREFUL!]
[SwampStoryz Vol. 4 - BIG GIRTHY AND THE BUTT LASAGNA]
[SwampStoryz Vol. 5 - REDACTED TRANSCRIPT OF WOO ON LOWE POST]
[SwampStoryz Vol. 6 - A LEAGUE IN LOCKOUT]
[SwampStoryz Vol. 7 - A GREAT FRAMEWORK FOR A BIRTHDAY PARTY]
[SwampStoryz Vol. 8 - XXX WAYS J.O. COULD HAVE BLURRED HIS VISION]
As of this writing, the New Jersey Nets are 21-52. For a franchise that has averaged 41.7 wins per season since the SLN’s inception, this marks a first outright tanking effort. Ownership called SwampMedia wire writers to the Nets’ executive suite (affectionately known as “Da Basketball Zone”) where they listened to that Madonna/Justin Timberlake “WE ONLY GOT FOUR MINUTES TO SAAAAVEEE THE WORLD” song on the general manager’s LG Chocolate, because it’s 2009. In response to requests for an analytical and comprehensive review of all this losing, the aforementioned writers have found some significant comorbidities in L-taking. Here is an abridged summary of why and how the Nets arrived at each of their losses this season.
Wizards by 2 - MARKETING - home opener crowd noticeably disengaged & incorrigibly horny for I Love New Jersey Night, in which the busted half-sister of Tiffany “New York” Pollard tooted on fans’ foreheads.
Jazz by 24 - RAYMOND FELTON - Raymond Felton revenge game. PG told management, “I’m so 3008, you’re so 2000 and late.”
Bucks by 9 - TRAINING - team eschewed practicing to play what was called “real-life Diner Dash” [editor’s note: it really sounds like they had contracted SLN players waiting tables?!]
Suns by 6 - WAY TOO MUCH AIOLI - a DC experiment gone awry.
Pistons by 9 - WAY TOO MUCH AIOLI - does our readership have any idea what emulsified olive oil does to hardwood?
Pacers by 36 - ON COURT - Kobe Bryant scored a game-high 35 points. If all of Kobe Bryant’s points were arbitrarily granted to the Nets, they still would have lost.
Lakers by 2 - ON COURT - Michael Redd scored a game-high 47 points. If all of Michael Redd’s points were similarly gifted to the Nets, they would’ve blown the hinges off of this Lakers squad. Improvement imminent?
Hornets by 7 - GENERAL MANAGER - chemistry was thrown off by the acquisition of Scot “The Other Sister of Tiffany ‘New York’ Pollard” Pollard. He played 10 minutes, yet Nets were -97 with him on the floor.
Pistons by 2 - SUSPICIOUS - first flagged instance of what is now identified as Operation Tank Johnson. Remember him, the defensive tackle? It’s 2009.
Jazz by 24 - RAYMOND FELTON - 38 minutes, 33 points, 5 rebounds, 5 assists and 3 stocks.
Sonics by 11 - RIGHTEOUS FURY OF ARES - Nick really wants those picks back.
Lakers by 10 - ON COURT - Steve Francis 32/7/9/6 steals, simply wanted it more.
Suns by 31 - JOHN MCCAIN DINNER - Who the fuck else would load up on shrimp cocktail at an election-night fundraiser for the failed neoconservative presidential campaign? Scot goddamn Pollard, who registered a -112 in his 16 minutes.
Sonics by 8 - RIGHTEOUS FURY OF ARES - Reaffirmed that Nick really, really wants those picks back.
Magic by 16 - WAY TOO MUCH AIOLI - first time was trying something new, this was just replicating idiocracy. Ownership doomed to repeat history if it refuses to learn from mistakes.
Spurs by 41 - DIDN’T WANNA WASTE THEIR TIME BECOMING ANOTHER CASUALTY OF SOCIETY THEY’LL NEVER FALL IN LINE BECOMING ANOTHER VICTIM OF CONFORMITY - Upon complete investigation, Nets coaches absolutely lost by this precise amount to guzzle out of the Fourteen Loko tap and coarsely belt this Sum 41 anthem.
Raptors by 20 - SUSPICIOUS - a second case of Shoeless Joe Jacksoning, by which I mean the team refused to play in sneakers as a conscientious dissent on the War in Iraq. This is flagged because Nets ownership is so much smarter & better at this than Woo is, so something must be up.
76ers by 11 - ON COURT - Nate Robinson absolutely freaked and leaked in LeBron’s absence.
Kings by 14 - OFF COURT - Team felt “moral and metaphysical obligation” to stop at Sacramento’s Red Lobster (largest franchise location in continental United States) and record shellfish eating contest between Carlos Boozer & Jermaine O’Neal.
Pacers by 6 - ON COURT - again, if the Nets had Kobe Bryant’s scoring count for them instead of the Pacers, they absolutely win this game.
Knicks by 42 - OFF COURT - stayed up too late at teams’ joint sleepover party, dubbed “The Hudson Hang.” [Editors’ note: great seeing ya, Nav, thanks for hosting!]
Rockets by 23 - ON COURT - Jermaine O’Neal was a stealthy tank commander for this team, he went 3 for 17 in this game.
Cavs by 8 - RAYMOND FELTON - it was actually just a Nick Collison thing, RAYMOND FELTON tag as its own category felt functionally useless unless merged with the other revenge games.
Spurs by 7 - OFF COURT - Team was partying night before at SWAMPAZZ, west Trenton’s premier no-shoes strip club, in celebration of beating Woo’s Raptors.
Clippers by 9 - SUSPICIOUS - Critical loss to a rival tankeress, all game notes were disappeared upon SwampMedia FOIA request.
Bulls by 26 - GENERAL MANAGER - Why bring in Kyle Korver to play 19 minutes and not shoot any 3s? He brings fellow Creighton alumni Dem Franchize Boyz courtside to the games, but at what cost?
Knicks by 3 - OFF COURT - it was Nets’ turn to host previously-referenced sleepover, and SwampMedia confirms they did not take nut allergies into account.
Hawks by 4 - SCRONY - players chose to play after facing individual sherm blunts in conscious dissent against Scrony’s sacking.
Bulls by 44 - I’LL BE THERE WHEN YOUR HEART STOPS BEATING - slightly more in the pop-punk weeds but a clear coaches’ choice to lose by the exact margin of Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker’s post-Blink musical endeavor.
Pacers by 10 - ON COURT - Nets lose by 10 and Kobe Bryant scores 29. Say it with us now, readership: if Kobe’s points counted for the Nets instead of the Pacers, they would’ve won this game.
Bullets by 3 - ON COURT - Chris Paul had 25 points, 13 assists, 6 steals and 5 rebounds.
Heat by 11 - WAY TOO MUCH AIOLI - disheartening to have to keep citing this. Unfortunately for your correspondent, this is where the Nets quadrupled-down on the aioli thing as an identity and a protest movement…
Knicks by 11 - WAY TOO MUCH AIOLI - you know, I have a bachelor’s of science in journalism.
Bucks by 27 - WAY TOO MUCH AIOLI - in the name of balanced reportage, the Nets beat the Raptors for a second time this season using the aioli first-option strategy.
Magic by 48 - RAYMOND FELTON - in biggest loss of year, Nets watch Jermaine O’Neal grab 19 rebounds and block 7 shots.
Celtics by 54 - WAY TOO MUCH AIOLI - the Nets took their biggest L of the season, then said, “hold my aioli” and proceeded to fall 54 points short.
Trail Blazers by 6 - ON COURT - gameplay undoubtedly affected by team commissioning DMB cover band to perform “Ants Marcin” for entirety of second quarter.
Grizzlies by 18 - MARKETING - Ed Hardy Night, presented by Ed Hardy and Javaris Crittenton Foundation for American Tax Reform, was visual travesty and unmitigated disaster.
Cavs by 24 - ON COURT - former SwampMedia video intern Josh Smith dropped 35 points.
Bucks by 22 - ON COURT - current SwampMedia video intern CJ Miles shoots 3 for 16 from the field.
Trail Blazers by 51 - GENERAL MANAGER - Hedo Turkoglu 7 for 23 with a gang of turnovers as first option? What is this, MTV’s Punk’d? It’s not that dated of a reference because it’s 2009.
Bulls by 26 - ON COURT - Tony Parker dropped a sterling 48/7/7 outing with 5 steals and 1 turnover. Someone’s considerably overqualified for the SwampMedia video intern position he’s applying for!
Hornets by 7 - MARKETING - Of course Deng Gai would be upset about his bobblefoot rendering, the feet are comically oversized, and of course that’s the point but it’s still a shoddy idea.
Magic by 5 - RAYMOND FELTON - another JO revenge game with 5 blocks. Game would’ve been tied if SLN adopted Nets’ suggested rule of “one sad vibes consolation point for each JO rejection.”
Nuggets by 26 - SCRONY - Nets pull ahead of both Nuggets and rival Hawks in tank standings with crucial loss.
Hawks by 24 - SCRONY - Simply must be on purpose, several Nets were seen biting their tongues to stop from laughing. That also might've been the MDMA seeped in their headbands, Hendrix-style.
Pacers by 10 - ON COURT - getting tired of explaining the Kobe thing. Another Pacers game stolen from the Nets.
Bulls by 1 - WAY TOO MUCH AIOLI - the place still reeks of garlic.
Mavericks by 6 - SUSPICIOUS - losing to perhaps the worst team in the league all but concludes successful Operation Tank Johnson.
Raptors by 7 - WAY WOO MUCH AIOLI - sorry once again, Jere, invoice the team for dry cleaning.
Heat by 23 - RAYMOND FELTON - SwampMedia totally forgot about the Marko Jaric thing, remember all that?
Grizzlies by 8 - GENERAL MANAGER - still unsure how to pronounce any part of Andris Biedrins’ name, the public address guy is taking increasingly silly liberties in how he says it.
CONCLUSION - The primary factors in the Nets’ tremendous losing are as follows: poor on-court performance, not having Kobe Bryant’s points count for them, and way too much aioli.
*DJ DRAMA VOICE* OH YOU HEARD THE RUMORS [GANGSTA GRIZZILLZ] IT’S A MOTHERFUCKIN SWAMPSTORY!
*lighter flick* Never talk to the cops I don’t speak piglatin / I turned the Nets into the motherfuckin Swamp Dragons
*lighter flick* Never talk to the cops I don’t speak piglatin / I turned the Nets into the motherfuckin Swamp Dragons
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