29 Ways to Skin a Turkey (Bonus)
Posted: December 3rd, 2025, 5:56 pm
I sent everyone the same exact message, “ Should i holiday boost King (IS or Handles or JS) stokes (JS or Handles) or Maaiikka (IS or JS)”. In no order in particular, other than conference segregation, take a look at what my persistence (annoyance) has unearthed:
EASTERN CONFERENCE
“My friend you are indeed barking and I am in fact the wrong tree. I have looked at SLN for like 20 mins over the last two seasons. IDK who King or stokes are. But Maaiikka kind sucked last time i looked two seasons ago so prob not him i guess”
-I got that DAWG in me. And I like to bark. And I like to piss on trees. Did you know that money does NOT in fact grow on trees? It's more of a bush composite. 20 mins over the last 2 months seems a tad on the low side. I think updating shit at least aggregates out to 45 min per season. For this particular GM, King is Jesse's son, Stokes strokes it. And Maaiikka sucked. But hey! This guy spelled MM wrong like those other guys did! That's fun.
“Hmmmmmm. I gotta look too. Busy busy… SOME TIME LATER… Maybe king handles? Had no idea he was a PG”
-This excellent lad came back to me! What a real one. The King of the court is always a PG in Seattle. Sad with the East for their lack of MMentions but alas, what can we do, we're all busy busy.
“It depends who you aren’t trading. Use it on whoever you view as the guy you wanna keep the most… SOME TIME LATER… That’s always my approach with freebies! It’s just an investment. I have been following your Dirk playbook. ”
- I never know what I'm doing! That's the point man. As a great GM once said “IDK”. But Dirk flattery wont get you very far unless you MMention to me that you wanna Stoke it.
“IDK”
-One of many GM’s with not enough time in the day to deal with my malarky. IDK man, didn't mention MM at all.
“I think Maaiika Inside. Get his volume up a bit. I’m also prob not the best person to ask lol”
- Well of course you’re not the best person to ask! That would be Ashes. I thought about sending him the text with like a disclaimer saying anything you say cannot and will not be used in the Sonicks court of TC evaluations. One of the closest to actually spelling Slim Jesus’ name right!
“maaiikka INSIDE”
- We get a second GM who coincidently spells MM’s name wrong the exact same way! I think that's the only instance of this. MM gaining some traction.
“I feel like ya gotta go King or Stokes JS. MM feels like a sunk cost fallacy. I feel like you should take the moonshot with one of the others”
- Im a sucker for the Sunk Cost Fallacy. Makes me feel like I'm making a difference. Another gentlemen scholar who uses the proper DC shorthand “MM”. Extra credit for the usage of “Moonshot”
“Hammer
’s inside. Simply based off my extensive experience in this league”-Used a crown instead of King! Only G to do that. Gotta respect it. Dude’s humble bragging his experience in the chat… shm. 28 guesses who this guy is. No reference of MM!
“Hmmm all really good candidates cuz they are on multi year deals. I lean towards stokes cuz his deal is so nice but King with Inside or jumper could make him super dangerous”
-No mention of MM here, solid B- shm. King could be dangerous, but he could also be another MM. damn shame i suck at developing talent.
“I actually really like Stokes and SFs that can score, play defense, and rebound are so rare and valuable. I feel like you try to juice his JS and assume his handles wont get any worse and 2-2.5 TOs isnt that horrible if he’s efficient enough and don’t everything else well. Plus Stokes went +3 in TC - he’s going to be really good this year i think”
- Great commentary! I like the stokes faith here. Shout out to this guy for noticing Stokes supreme TC this year. Great DD, but no mention of MM which is not great for the nickname count.
“Stokes gandles”
- Should I Stroke my gandles, or Gandle my Strokes? Both seem likely to stoke a fire within me. B- for no MMention
“That’s a tough one. Lotta good young guys. Prob Miikkka JS. But none would be a bad decision”
- of all the mispellings of MM’s name… this is the only one that probably needed spell check. But props to this GM for recognizing the tough decision our front office has.
“Uhhhh. Hmmm. Not King probably. Stokes and MM both need jumper. Prob Stokes jumper? TBH i haven’t been paying attention for 2 seasons”
- Come back to us! Also two seasons sounds like a lot but that's like 2 months! Bears will hibernate for at least 2 seasons if not 6 to 7 depending on the offseason length. Unless we're talking warm region bears or polar bears, who do not hibernate. They are always hunting, which is my recommendation for you on the trade markets! One of the only GMs to take the perfectly accurate shorthand and call him “MM”.
“That’s up to you my guy!”
-IDK! Is it though? Were crowd sourcing some jive turkeys here man wtf!
“So happy you have stokes AND maaaaikkkkaaaaaa. Was meant to be. Maaaaaaaikka IS or stokes handles maybe?”
- a man of culture and history! It is fun indeed to have the 1 & 2 together of the same draft within a half a decade. Doesnt happen too often! I have ruined us all to how MMs name has spelled (check bottom of article for proper spelling). Fun fact, no A before the first double I, K. 4 A’s, 4 K’s, 6 A’s then 7 A’s, 1 I, and a proper two K’s with 1 A to boot!
WESTERN CONFERENCE
“Fuckn a ya little BITCH. SLIM JESUS WITH THAT WATER TO WINE JUMPER”
-This is the type of energy I need in my life right now, no cap. Gonna have a glass of water AND wine for you good sir
“Oooohhhh. Man you make so many trades lol. I'm trying to find all those fuckers… I’d do maaaiiiiiika or stokes. Stokes is an interesting build”
- aaa, iiiiii think i need to do MMore trades! Fun fact “Oooohhhh” is the most commonly said thing when a GM Stokes it.
“Gotta be King then trade him to me”
- Honestly an effective tactic to convince me King is worthwhile long term! Only one of these can be Jesse, if at all...
“Seems like Maiikkan is your best bet out of those players still to he a stud”
- A fresh new nickname for the Slim Jesus, and this time with an “N” in it! That's fun, my name has an N in it too! But sounds like this GM thinks all three guys are booty. Sadge
“Who is stokes? Oh you just got him. Stokes js is prob do”
-He is the once who Knocks Strokes! MMaybe i will! Stokes JS has a lot of traction.
“Pump stokes or miiiiika. Stokes Js is what I’d do”
- iiiii think its a double negative to Pump the strokes, is it not? MMaybe?
“Ur asking the wrong dude bro haha”
- IDK! I’m pretty sure this is the right number though. But great use of “Dude bro”. MMagnificent!
“I’d probably do king inside. Most to gain from that. But definitely the biggest risk. Thought process is, stokes and mm look like they’re gonna be good starters but king has a chance to become a star. So I’d give him everything possible to be a star.”
-I love risks cuz i know i wont win anything! Its a safe bet if you know you're gonna lose, if you think about it. Lower case MM! Thats a little quiet for my taste but you’re an original!
“I am honored you would ask. I don’t know the players will enough to know off the top of my head. Will look in a bit… SOME TIME LATER … I’d go stokes JS”
- no no no. It is I who is honored for you to reply to my tomfoolery with earnest consideration! You acknowledged your lack of… knowledge on this subject / HUMBLE / and you went ahead and took your time to research, and come back to me with an answer! GREAT FRIEND OF MMine.
“Who would you not trade? *Stokes* Really? Hmmm let me look at him. If ur gonna pump stokes then JS probably would help his scouring most. Miika is still showing B pot though so inside for him might be a vibe. You could give Stokes inside and just run inside cause all ur wings are better at inside. For stokes though, JS / strength / inside. No handles. If they turn it over, so be it. Ask Weston, he keeps it a buck when i need help with these. But year probs JS for stokes. All i know w freebies is i attack w them on one thing. I kept using the freebies to boost *REDACTED*’s inside. If you have another freebie, its gotta be stokes JS. Never give up Never surrender”
- Look at this color commentary! You provided more analysis than like half the GMs combined. YUGE! BIGLY even. You almost spelled MM right AND MMirrored another GMs misspelling! Nice one! Weston out here telling me to ask HIMSELF for advice?! What a psycho. Never give up, Never Surrender!
“King and then trade him to me”
- Honestly an effective tactic to convince me King is worthwhile long term! Only one of these can be Jesse, if at all...
“I would probably do Miika. Since he’s already locked into a long term deal. And he seems a lil skinny”
-another close but no cigar (K) spelling of MM! Slim Jesus is indeed slim! And his deal is long as he is suspect… so theres that.
“King. Then trade him to me… SOME TIME LATER … Maybe miika so that contract doesn’t kill you”
- Honestly an effective tactic to convince me King is worthwhile long term! Only one of these can be Jesse, if at all...Youre the best tho cuz you MMentioned my boi with a spelling thats almost correct!
“What the actual fuck is a holiday boost?”
-Its what you expect the holidays to be like since you don't have to work! But in reality you just get more tired from eating too much and dealing with family. Trot this turkey down to the butcher shop! Were playing flag football this time BB (short for MM).
So what did we learn in this article besides i have both an insane amount of originality while also being a complete Tard at the same time?
Miikka Muurinen Spell Count: 12! fun fact there are 12 months in a year!
MM, maaaaikkkkaaaaaa, Maaaaaaaikka, Maaiika, Miikkka, Maaiikka, Miikkka, Maiikkan, Slim Jesus, miika, miiiiika, maaaiiiiiika
Camp Data:
King - 6.5 total with JS emphasis
JS - 4
IS - 1.5
Hdl - 1
Stokes - 7.5 total with JS emphasis
JS - 6.5
HDL - 1
MM - 8 total with no emphasis
IS - 4
JS - 4
So in the end... who will i camp?
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