LEAKED: Redacted Transcript of Woo on Lowe Post [SWAMPS 5]
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SWAMP STEVEN
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LEAKED: Redacted Transcript of Woo on Lowe Post [SWAMPS 5]
Multiple sources confirmed that Jeremy Woo's 6/23 appearance on ESPN's The Lowe Post program was significantly edited. Below is a partial transcript of the REAL conversation between Woo, Zach Lowe and Kirk Goldsberry. The author of this post does not know why such edits were applied to the final podcast, nor why Woo decided to use his "Codeine Kermit" voice on the original audio.
By SwampSteven MarxMarks
I've been thinking a lot about what we'll call here "the banality of the surreal." I'd consider myself an ardent surrealist: I consume an inspired (but measured) carousel of psychoactive drugs, my favorite author is Thomas Pynchon, I hear Madlib beats in my weird-ass non-sequential dreams. But does surrealism belong wholly to the indescribably, manifestly weird? What of the minor hallucinations, the hard-to-believe that is eminently believable, coded in the rhythms and images of stuff we know so comfortably? Can there be something surreal to the convergence of normality?
I felt this on Friday, listening to one of my best friends in the world guest on a podcast I listen to episodically and religiously. Jeremy and I have been super close for a full decade now, and while I never once doubted his preternatural basketball intellect or his level of motivation, it's still totally surreal to hear my homie on ESPN programming, specifically this show. Jere, I fucking love you, I'm the man I'm proud of being in part because of your companionship, and I'm jumping out of my skeleton with pride for your come-up on the national stage. It shouldn't feel weird, because you so deserve this shit, but it's inevitably a bit weird in the best way.
NOW TAKE IT ALL BACK AND UNREAD THAT SHIT, LIL FUUUUUCKERS. Because Jeremy lied to us. The suits at Disney deceived us. Though all parties requested anonymity due to the sensitive nature of this leak, I can absolutely confirm that Woo's appearance on The Lowe Post was significantly altered in post-production. Below is a transcript of the original conversation, edited and condensed only for clarity:
LOWE: Welcome TOOOOOOOOO, the Lowe Post! It's 2004, John Kerry might be the President! Murphy Lee STILL doesn't know what the hook gon be! And to sort it all out, making his Lowe Post debut, Jeremy Woo! How are you, Jeremy? Have you been able to sleep at all this week?
WOO: Sonic the Hedgehog’s full name is actually Ogilvie Maurice Hedgehog. I swear to fucking God, dude. Look that up. People should know.
LOWE: Also here with us is Kirk Goldsberry, newly-minted president of the Devin Harris fan club!
GOLDSBERRY: Go Spurs Go! Is it a roadrunner? A coyote? What I do know is that Emeka Okafor gave me one of those up-high, down-low, dap it up handshakes at Whataburger last week. Thank you for that, Jordo, the Make a Wish Foundation will send reimbursement with receipt.
LOWE: Let's start with the Draft. Jeremy, what surprised you here? Has a team ever had the nos. 1 and 2 pick in the same year? What the hell is going on?!
WOO: I'm stunned Shaun Livingston didn't go first, but I really like what the Sixers are developing. DMorrel is a scratch mini golfer, if you know what I mean.
LOWE: I have no idea what you mean.
WOO: LeBron and Dwight Howard is going to be a special pick-and-roll. Can you believe they're a combined 39 years old? The Knicks have FOUR guys under the legal drinking age! That's why I like what Nav is doing. He's bringing the young guys along at the right pace. First, the fake IDs from Delaware to get into Pianos, let em get their feet wet (because of the keg leak). Then, the fake passports for international shenanigans, including but not limited to wire fraud, embezzlement and Chris Bosh taking that picture with the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Is he really pushing a whole building?! +8 strength Chris, look at you go!
LOWE: Any other picks you liked?
WOO: Tyler did a good job filling need with Kris Humphries. Tyler told me that Kris came into OTAs and completely misquoted He Got Game to Ray Allen. Like, super biffed it. Honestly, I think he was quoting Pluto Nash. That's not even the same genre!!! Then Tyler got into this whole thing about how genre-policing is reductive and how the idea of genre is deeply outmoded these days, which, like, fine, but your first-round pick is still quoting Pluto Nash at Jesus Shuttlesworth.
GOLDSBERRY: I'm confused.
WOO: Me too. Why is pluto not a planet anymore???? Would Walt Disney herself really name a dog after a gas giant?
LOWE: Any other draft notes?
WOO: Mantypas said Tony Allen is catering "knuckle sandwiches." Get 'em while they're hot! Do either of you like any cold sandwiches?
LOWE: I like Five for Fighting, does that count?
GOLDSBERRY AND WOO IN UNISON: We'll allow it.
WOO: Moving on to trades, the Hornets now have Yao Ming, Gilbert Arenas and Steve Nash in retooled Charlotte. I like it when a huge guy gets flanked by small guys, which is ironic considering that I use the thimble, the hat AND the doggie when Bobby & I play Monopoly.
LOWE: You and Bobby play one-on-one Monopoly?
WOO: Ten Thousand Hours, bitch. I put the work in. And you, you're looking like Malcolm SADwell right now.
LOWE: You also use three pieces in Monopoly?
WOO: Art of War, bitch. Sun WOO. Wait, can I curse on here?
LOWE: Nope.
WOO: TESTICULAR. That's NOT a curse word. Do NOT edit that out.
*GOLDSBERRY TAKES AN EGGROLL OUT OF A PLASTIC BAG, AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE, AND TRIES TO IGNITE IT WITH A CIGAR LIGHTER*
LOWE: Any other trades that interested you? I'm borderline afraid to ask at this point.
WOO: No apologies necessary. Kevin Garnett is a Raptor! Can you believe that? Sam told me that KG is obsessed with this new show Lost, which is also ironic because he's about to WON. That's the past participle, I don't care how clunky it sounds. I see Goldsberry laughing, rich stuff coming from a guy PUFFING ON AN EGGROLL. The locker room is as balanced as it's ever been here. Ruben Patterson is going through intensive asexuality reprogramming with team therapist Audrey "Jake" Graham. Bobby Sura got a +8 quickness working with trainer Robert Ford. You know what rhymes with CHRIS KLACK? Mismatch. LET'S GO BOYS.
LOWE: Ilgauskas to Houston surprised me, wooooah!
WOO: You know what rhymes with Nolan? ROLLIN. I love that team this year, mostly because Slim Thug took me to the Third Ward during a recent recruiting trip to see Gerald Green. Grundle may have saved Dikembe Mutombo's life; there's no Wockhardt, or any controlled substances for that matter, in Salt Lake City. In fact, that last licensed pharmacist in Utah just got decertified for dancing in public. Footloose was a documentary.
LOWE: I know how that feels. Legally speaking, I can't reference The Wire, Boogie Nights or House, like the roof over my head? The doctor show? I don't even get that one.
WOO: Please, I once slapped a Gogurt out of Bill's hands at the Jackass 3 premiere.
LOWE: Mr. Wooooooo, any closing thoughts? Are you closing thots?
WOO: Joe and Matt are my biggest threats in the East. They're both exceedingly nice guys, but their rap duo friggin SUUUUUUUCKS. Sonicks may have a dynasty, but he's embarrassingly bad at pick 'n' mix. Malted milk balls are the heaviest candy, you fucking idiot. Sorry, I just care a lot. Kipke, check the Neopets chat. Kelis...also check the Neopets chat. I love you, Kelis.
Ba duh duh, ba duh duh, ba duhhhhh duhhhh duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *basketball bouncing, Lil Wayne lighter flick, but it's Goldsberry still trying to salvage the clipped eggroll.*
By SwampSteven MarxMarks
I've been thinking a lot about what we'll call here "the banality of the surreal." I'd consider myself an ardent surrealist: I consume an inspired (but measured) carousel of psychoactive drugs, my favorite author is Thomas Pynchon, I hear Madlib beats in my weird-ass non-sequential dreams. But does surrealism belong wholly to the indescribably, manifestly weird? What of the minor hallucinations, the hard-to-believe that is eminently believable, coded in the rhythms and images of stuff we know so comfortably? Can there be something surreal to the convergence of normality?
I felt this on Friday, listening to one of my best friends in the world guest on a podcast I listen to episodically and religiously. Jeremy and I have been super close for a full decade now, and while I never once doubted his preternatural basketball intellect or his level of motivation, it's still totally surreal to hear my homie on ESPN programming, specifically this show. Jere, I fucking love you, I'm the man I'm proud of being in part because of your companionship, and I'm jumping out of my skeleton with pride for your come-up on the national stage. It shouldn't feel weird, because you so deserve this shit, but it's inevitably a bit weird in the best way.
NOW TAKE IT ALL BACK AND UNREAD THAT SHIT, LIL FUUUUUCKERS. Because Jeremy lied to us. The suits at Disney deceived us. Though all parties requested anonymity due to the sensitive nature of this leak, I can absolutely confirm that Woo's appearance on The Lowe Post was significantly altered in post-production. Below is a transcript of the original conversation, edited and condensed only for clarity:
LOWE: Welcome TOOOOOOOOO, the Lowe Post! It's 2004, John Kerry might be the President! Murphy Lee STILL doesn't know what the hook gon be! And to sort it all out, making his Lowe Post debut, Jeremy Woo! How are you, Jeremy? Have you been able to sleep at all this week?
WOO: Sonic the Hedgehog’s full name is actually Ogilvie Maurice Hedgehog. I swear to fucking God, dude. Look that up. People should know.
LOWE: Also here with us is Kirk Goldsberry, newly-minted president of the Devin Harris fan club!
GOLDSBERRY: Go Spurs Go! Is it a roadrunner? A coyote? What I do know is that Emeka Okafor gave me one of those up-high, down-low, dap it up handshakes at Whataburger last week. Thank you for that, Jordo, the Make a Wish Foundation will send reimbursement with receipt.
LOWE: Let's start with the Draft. Jeremy, what surprised you here? Has a team ever had the nos. 1 and 2 pick in the same year? What the hell is going on?!
WOO: I'm stunned Shaun Livingston didn't go first, but I really like what the Sixers are developing. DMorrel is a scratch mini golfer, if you know what I mean.
LOWE: I have no idea what you mean.
WOO: LeBron and Dwight Howard is going to be a special pick-and-roll. Can you believe they're a combined 39 years old? The Knicks have FOUR guys under the legal drinking age! That's why I like what Nav is doing. He's bringing the young guys along at the right pace. First, the fake IDs from Delaware to get into Pianos, let em get their feet wet (because of the keg leak). Then, the fake passports for international shenanigans, including but not limited to wire fraud, embezzlement and Chris Bosh taking that picture with the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Is he really pushing a whole building?! +8 strength Chris, look at you go!
LOWE: Any other picks you liked?
WOO: Tyler did a good job filling need with Kris Humphries. Tyler told me that Kris came into OTAs and completely misquoted He Got Game to Ray Allen. Like, super biffed it. Honestly, I think he was quoting Pluto Nash. That's not even the same genre!!! Then Tyler got into this whole thing about how genre-policing is reductive and how the idea of genre is deeply outmoded these days, which, like, fine, but your first-round pick is still quoting Pluto Nash at Jesus Shuttlesworth.
GOLDSBERRY: I'm confused.
WOO: Me too. Why is pluto not a planet anymore???? Would Walt Disney herself really name a dog after a gas giant?
LOWE: Any other draft notes?
WOO: Mantypas said Tony Allen is catering "knuckle sandwiches." Get 'em while they're hot! Do either of you like any cold sandwiches?
LOWE: I like Five for Fighting, does that count?
GOLDSBERRY AND WOO IN UNISON: We'll allow it.
WOO: Moving on to trades, the Hornets now have Yao Ming, Gilbert Arenas and Steve Nash in retooled Charlotte. I like it when a huge guy gets flanked by small guys, which is ironic considering that I use the thimble, the hat AND the doggie when Bobby & I play Monopoly.
LOWE: You and Bobby play one-on-one Monopoly?
WOO: Ten Thousand Hours, bitch. I put the work in. And you, you're looking like Malcolm SADwell right now.
LOWE: You also use three pieces in Monopoly?
WOO: Art of War, bitch. Sun WOO. Wait, can I curse on here?
LOWE: Nope.
WOO: TESTICULAR. That's NOT a curse word. Do NOT edit that out.
*GOLDSBERRY TAKES AN EGGROLL OUT OF A PLASTIC BAG, AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE, AND TRIES TO IGNITE IT WITH A CIGAR LIGHTER*
LOWE: Any other trades that interested you? I'm borderline afraid to ask at this point.
WOO: No apologies necessary. Kevin Garnett is a Raptor! Can you believe that? Sam told me that KG is obsessed with this new show Lost, which is also ironic because he's about to WON. That's the past participle, I don't care how clunky it sounds. I see Goldsberry laughing, rich stuff coming from a guy PUFFING ON AN EGGROLL. The locker room is as balanced as it's ever been here. Ruben Patterson is going through intensive asexuality reprogramming with team therapist Audrey "Jake" Graham. Bobby Sura got a +8 quickness working with trainer Robert Ford. You know what rhymes with CHRIS KLACK? Mismatch. LET'S GO BOYS.
LOWE: Ilgauskas to Houston surprised me, wooooah!
WOO: You know what rhymes with Nolan? ROLLIN. I love that team this year, mostly because Slim Thug took me to the Third Ward during a recent recruiting trip to see Gerald Green. Grundle may have saved Dikembe Mutombo's life; there's no Wockhardt, or any controlled substances for that matter, in Salt Lake City. In fact, that last licensed pharmacist in Utah just got decertified for dancing in public. Footloose was a documentary.
LOWE: I know how that feels. Legally speaking, I can't reference The Wire, Boogie Nights or House, like the roof over my head? The doctor show? I don't even get that one.
WOO: Please, I once slapped a Gogurt out of Bill's hands at the Jackass 3 premiere.
LOWE: Mr. Wooooooo, any closing thoughts? Are you closing thots?
WOO: Joe and Matt are my biggest threats in the East. They're both exceedingly nice guys, but their rap duo friggin SUUUUUUUCKS. Sonicks may have a dynasty, but he's embarrassingly bad at pick 'n' mix. Malted milk balls are the heaviest candy, you fucking idiot. Sorry, I just care a lot. Kipke, check the Neopets chat. Kelis...also check the Neopets chat. I love you, Kelis.
Ba duh duh, ba duh duh, ba duhhhhh duhhhh duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *basketball bouncing, Lil Wayne lighter flick, but it's Goldsberry still trying to salvage the clipped eggroll.*
*DJ DRAMA VOICE* OH YOU HEARD THE RUMORS [GANGSTA GRIZZILLZ] IT’S A MOTHERFUCKIN SWAMPSTORY!
*lighter flick* Never talk to the cops I don’t speak piglatin / I turned the Nets into the motherfuckin Swamp Dragons
*lighter flick* Never talk to the cops I don’t speak piglatin / I turned the Nets into the motherfuckin Swamp Dragons
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