LEAKED: Raptors scouting department crystal ball
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jwoo
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LEAKED: Raptors scouting department crystal ball
This internal document was leaked from the desk of Raptors president JWoo just days after the controversial Valentine's Day massacre decision to trade away the team's three most beloved players: franchise icon Kevin Garnett, superstar scorer Lou Williams, and stalwart point guard Devin Harris. The Raptors were unavailable for comment, but the document appears to include Toronto's projections for the top SLN prospects in the next handful of drafts.
Some details were redacted in accordance with Canadian privacy law.
***
Dear team;
It is with a heavy heart that I decided to blow up our entire team this week, putting an end to much of what we've built over the course of the past seven seasons, bidding farewell to Kevin, Lou and Devin, and likely bringing our streak of seven consecutive playoff berths and 50+ win seasons to a close. HOWEVER: there's a bright future ahead for us. Raptors Culture remains. Our scouts are extremely bullish on Ricky Rubio. And we've identified a handful of young players soon to bring a ton of excitement to the league. Here's who we should be looking out for.
2012 draft-eligible
Anthony Davis
Eyebrow razor sold separately, but my god does this guy have huge SLN upside. He could be the best shot-blocking prospect we've seen. He could have potential to score inside and out. He probably needs to beef up a bit, but I'm hearing he's going to be a strong candidate at No. 1. Our scouts probably prefer [REDACTED] at this point in the draft cycle for 2012, but AD would be an amazing prize. He has all the makings of a guy who can dominate SLN as long as that scoring develops and there's no injury stipulation. We're hoping he looks like A-/B/C/A/A-, something in that vein.
Damian Lillard
One of our scouts left Weber State practice just incredibly excited about this guy. He doesn't have much in the way of size or strength, but he could very well be the next Lou Williams. We're hoping nobody notices him playing at a tiny school, but the secret is getting out. He could easily be the top pick in 2012 and one of the best scoring PGs SLN has seen. He could end up like B/A/B/C+/C- or something.
Draymond Green
Our team needs a kick in the ass. A literal kick in the ass. No, not a punch to the dick. What? Draymond Green is available next season? He could be one of the weirdest players God has ever created on this fake sim earth. I'm expecting A-grade defense with great steals and maybe a block. His rebounding is probably gonna be underwhelming. He might turn the ball over a ton and never shoot. But we've seen Joakim Noah turn into a somewhat efficient big that never shoots, and my guess is there has to be some type of pathway for even a complete weirdo player like Draymond to succeed in SLN. The problem is just that it might all be in his positional defense. We like this guy, though. We're projecting ratings of C-, C+, A, A, C+, no ideal how that's gonna go.
Andre Drummond
Automatic double double. Maybe one of the best rebounders we'll ever seen. Definitely one of the worst free throw shooters. Probably has a great mold for SLN success, although I bet his positional defense kinda blows. Could be super-strong and much better than he was in another reality. [REDACTED]. Gonna guess his ratings end up like B+, D, D, B, A+ or something.
2013 draft-eligible
Giannis Antetokounmpo
One of our scouts just got back from Greece with a strange amount of confidence that this will be the No. 1 pick in 2013. Will he definitely be really raw? Probably. Will he likely have some of the best physical tools ever gifted to a teenage rookie? Also probably. Will each of his brothers come with weird stipulations that they need to be on Giannis's team or his happiness will decrease? Probably. Feels like Giannis is an eventual A/C/B/A-/A- type of guy if he hits his ceiling.
Rudy Gobert
Could be the best defensive big man in the league. Sacre bleu! The biggest butt since Big Ben might be on the way in 2013. He'll never score and he will probably block four shots a game. Kinda like Drummond in that it might work a lot better in SLN than real life! If you love slow centers and playing super slow, this is your guy. Our scouts are projecting B/D/D/A/A type of stuff. Exciting shit.
Anthony Bennett
Does this guy have some kind of weird fat guy stip? There has to be some chance he becomes a beast in SLN right? No idea what that takes. But we're taking a wild guess he comes with some spicy stip that makes him at least a viable candidate at No. 1. Also, he's Canadian. Yep, we already have operatives spiking his poutine with Ozempic. Stay tuned. We're gonna see if he'll take a promise two years early. No idea what his ratings will be though.
2014 draft-eligible
Joel Embiid
This guy could be the next Hakeem. No, we're not just saying it because he's from Africa too. He's definitely coming with major upside and possibly with some injury concerns. Our scouts are guessing 100 potential and possible A inside scoring and rebounding. Gonna guess he turns it over a lot too. But this will be the guy worth tanking for.
Nikola Jokic
Our scouts love this guy even though he's slow and unimpressive. Could he be eligible at PG? Will he have A/A/A/B/A ratings? Can God create the steroidized version of what Vlade Divac maybe could have been? We hope so. If we're gonna keep tanking, this is the guy.
Andrew Wiggins
He's Canadian. He's underwhelming. He might be a great fit.
Some details were redacted in accordance with Canadian privacy law.
***
Dear team;
It is with a heavy heart that I decided to blow up our entire team this week, putting an end to much of what we've built over the course of the past seven seasons, bidding farewell to Kevin, Lou and Devin, and likely bringing our streak of seven consecutive playoff berths and 50+ win seasons to a close. HOWEVER: there's a bright future ahead for us. Raptors Culture remains. Our scouts are extremely bullish on Ricky Rubio. And we've identified a handful of young players soon to bring a ton of excitement to the league. Here's who we should be looking out for.
2012 draft-eligible
- image.jpeg (53.41 KiB) Viewed 935 times
Eyebrow razor sold separately, but my god does this guy have huge SLN upside. He could be the best shot-blocking prospect we've seen. He could have potential to score inside and out. He probably needs to beef up a bit, but I'm hearing he's going to be a strong candidate at No. 1. Our scouts probably prefer [REDACTED] at this point in the draft cycle for 2012, but AD would be an amazing prize. He has all the makings of a guy who can dominate SLN as long as that scoring develops and there's no injury stipulation. We're hoping he looks like A-/B/C/A/A-, something in that vein.
- image.jpeg (60.86 KiB) Viewed 935 times
One of our scouts left Weber State practice just incredibly excited about this guy. He doesn't have much in the way of size or strength, but he could very well be the next Lou Williams. We're hoping nobody notices him playing at a tiny school, but the secret is getting out. He could easily be the top pick in 2012 and one of the best scoring PGs SLN has seen. He could end up like B/A/B/C+/C- or something.
- image.jpeg (129.65 KiB) Viewed 935 times
Our team needs a kick in the ass. A literal kick in the ass. No, not a punch to the dick. What? Draymond Green is available next season? He could be one of the weirdest players God has ever created on this fake sim earth. I'm expecting A-grade defense with great steals and maybe a block. His rebounding is probably gonna be underwhelming. He might turn the ball over a ton and never shoot. But we've seen Joakim Noah turn into a somewhat efficient big that never shoots, and my guess is there has to be some type of pathway for even a complete weirdo player like Draymond to succeed in SLN. The problem is just that it might all be in his positional defense. We like this guy, though. We're projecting ratings of C-, C+, A, A, C+, no ideal how that's gonna go.
- image.jpeg (9.79 KiB) Viewed 935 times
Automatic double double. Maybe one of the best rebounders we'll ever seen. Definitely one of the worst free throw shooters. Probably has a great mold for SLN success, although I bet his positional defense kinda blows. Could be super-strong and much better than he was in another reality. [REDACTED]. Gonna guess his ratings end up like B+, D, D, B, A+ or something.
2013 draft-eligible
- image.jpeg (55.31 KiB) Viewed 935 times
One of our scouts just got back from Greece with a strange amount of confidence that this will be the No. 1 pick in 2013. Will he definitely be really raw? Probably. Will he likely have some of the best physical tools ever gifted to a teenage rookie? Also probably. Will each of his brothers come with weird stipulations that they need to be on Giannis's team or his happiness will decrease? Probably. Feels like Giannis is an eventual A/C/B/A-/A- type of guy if he hits his ceiling.
Rudy Gobert
Could be the best defensive big man in the league. Sacre bleu! The biggest butt since Big Ben might be on the way in 2013. He'll never score and he will probably block four shots a game. Kinda like Drummond in that it might work a lot better in SLN than real life! If you love slow centers and playing super slow, this is your guy. Our scouts are projecting B/D/D/A/A type of stuff. Exciting shit.
Anthony Bennett
Does this guy have some kind of weird fat guy stip? There has to be some chance he becomes a beast in SLN right? No idea what that takes. But we're taking a wild guess he comes with some spicy stip that makes him at least a viable candidate at No. 1. Also, he's Canadian. Yep, we already have operatives spiking his poutine with Ozempic. Stay tuned. We're gonna see if he'll take a promise two years early. No idea what his ratings will be though.
2014 draft-eligible
Joel Embiid
This guy could be the next Hakeem. No, we're not just saying it because he's from Africa too. He's definitely coming with major upside and possibly with some injury concerns. Our scouts are guessing 100 potential and possible A inside scoring and rebounding. Gonna guess he turns it over a lot too. But this will be the guy worth tanking for.
Nikola Jokic
Our scouts love this guy even though he's slow and unimpressive. Could he be eligible at PG? Will he have A/A/A/B/A ratings? Can God create the steroidized version of what Vlade Divac maybe could have been? We hope so. If we're gonna keep tanking, this is the guy.
Andrew Wiggins
He's Canadian. He's underwhelming. He might be a great fit.
free healthcare has never been more important
LEAKED: Raptors scouting department crystal ball
Maple. Jordan.
Build him off the scouts Ashes. Let Wiggz live
Build him off the scouts Ashes. Let Wiggz live
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