Three Long Months: An Oral History of the LeBron James trade
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Three Long Months: An Oral History of the LeBron James trade
In the off-season of Sim Year 2019, LeBron James was finally traded. After 16 long seasons in Philadelphia, the King made his exit, heading north beyond the wall to join the Toronto Raptors. This is the story of how it went down, told by those who lived it, over the course of three long IRL months (that's three years in SLN years, yep).
The Beginning of the End
The year was 2018. It was a seven-game series against the top-seeded Knicks, a hard-fought battle that nearly led to a 1-8 first round upset, in which LeBron made his last stand as a 76er.
DMo, 76ers GM: If I had to pin the breakup on something, it was that Game 7.
Rich Paul, Klutch Sports CEO: That was the beginning of the end.
LeBron James: We didn't win that thing, but shit, it almost felt like we did. Blowing a one-point lead on the road in the fourth quarter of Game 7?
Hanno Mottola, 76ers head coach: Fuck, we were so close.
DMo: Honestly, I was really considering moving Bron before that season. But then I got LaMarcus and Monta and wanted to give it one more go. For the King.
LeBron: The Sixers always treated me well. It felt like home. I never wanted to leave. But sometimes opportunities arise.
Spike Lee, Knicks superfan: I booed that soft ass motherf--ker off the floor that night. I knew he was cooked. I just didn't know he'd be so cooked he'd end up in Canada.
Steven Louis, New Jersey Swamp GM: I was at that game too. Wearing Knicks gear, don't tell Kemba. But I was undercover in a trenchcoat designed to make it look like I was three kids in a trenchcoat. Pretty sure it worked. Then I snuck into the home locker room to see if it was true that Nav had really bought Switches for all the players. I heard Embiid is really nice at Splatoon. We have PS5's at the Izod Center now.
Joel Embiid, New York Knicks: I'm undefeated against Bismack in Splatoon.
Charles Barkley, Inside the SLN: The thing about Splatoon is, why are there Octopi squirting each other in the desert? That don't make no sense.
Shaquille O'Neal, Inside the SLN: They did what Chuck?
DMo: Look, I knew I’d have to get off one of the three contracts. LaMarcus and Monta would be hard to move. I mean look at LaMarcus, he's huge! Monta is more normal person-sized. But still challenging. It left me with one choice. I knew I had to do right by Bron and send him somewhere else. I just didn't know exactly how long it would take for me to get there. Trading is hard, man.
JWoo, Raptors GM: It's crazy it took this long. But, I mean, here we are. Look at us.
Gola: If we're being honest. And I'm always honest. On my momma LaDonna, DMo should have taken our first offer.
The First Offer
Negotiations between the Raptors and 76ers began in earnest ahead of the 2018 season, when JWoo dialed in from a burner phone and made DMo an offer. The game was afoot.
JWoo: If a game has ever been afoot, it was afoot for sure, I mean, it was a strong ass offer.
Drake, Canadian celebrity: Strong ass offer. JWoo sent me that shit in advance. I signed off on it. As I often do. Some say I'm the shadow GM of the Raptors. Some say I deserve credit for everything they've done. Like turning DeMarcus Cousins into a winning player and turning a random squad of guys into a perennial winner. That's all me, for real.
LaDon Gola, Raptors head coach: Look, as a young coach with little say over the proceedings, I even thought it was too much. Shaun Livingston, Aaron Gordon, Jerami Grant, Steven Adams, TOR 18 FRP, LAC 18 FRP, TOR 19 FRP, PHI 19 FRP, SAS 19 FRP, TOR 20 FRP, PHI 21 FRP and TOR 21 FRP? Is that a lot for one player? Am I just speaking in trade shorthand right now? Is this simulation even real?
Paul: At that time, we didn't wanna go to Canada, honestly. I told DMo that myself.
LeBron: It would have been kinda insulting to get traded for Shaun Livingston. Remember when that guy left me in the lurch? When he and Dwight went on TV and televised a special that they said was for charity but really went into a slush fund for the giant White Party Michael Dunkin Penberthy threw for his retirement? I wasn't about it, man.
Gola: Man, we did OK anyway the last few years. We didn't need LeBron. At least, um, not then.
Kevin Garnett, Raptors legend: I swear LeBron bounced us out of the playoffs like six separate times back in the day. There was some bad blood there, too. Tony Allen once tried to give him a psychic wedgie as a psy op. At least, he thought that's what that meant.
Shaun Livingston, former Raptors and Sixers guard: I sometimes wonder what would have happened. If I had gone home. Like in that one song that talks about coming home. What's it called again?
Drake: I think I was the one who talked JWoo out of it. Yep, that was me.
DMo: I thought about it. It just wasn't enough. Eight picks? A superstar and a rising star? Honestly, just wasn't feeling it.
JWoo: I've never been more frustrated in my life. Eight picks? Shaun Livingston in his prime? AG coming off a supercamp? I knew this was the type of thing that called for alternate tactics. Clandestine tactics.
Clandestine Tactics
Steven: Man, in college, I once played the word clandestine against Woo at 3AM in a game of strip scrabble. Ask him how he learned its definition. Ask him. No, seriously.
Drake: clan·des·tine /klanˈdestən,ˈklandəsˌtēn/Kept secret or done secretively, especially because illicit.
JWoo: Under cover of darkness, I took a secret trip to Bethesda. I even wore a disguise on the train. A friend I won't name loaned me his trenchcoat designed to look like three kids in one trenchcoat. It didn't fit me that well though. I think I only looked like two kids. My mustache though? All real, baby.
Weston, Bullets GM: Honestly, the meeting was not clandestine at all. I know because I was physically present. We sent a selfie to the league chat. It literally was not a secret.
DMo: Ayyy, ask about me at Caddies.
Gola: If there's one thing I've learned in my extremely successful coaching career which includes four straight central division championships, it's that there's no better way to pull off a secret meeting than hold it in a golf-themed dive bar where the person you're meeting knows every single bartender. I once had a secret meeting in the basement of my brain.
Mottola: On my recruiting visit to Philadelphia, DMo, he drive me all the way to Bethesda to go to Caddies. I say, DMo, why you do this? I am humble Finnish man. What is golf? Why we leave Philly metro area to see this Maryland? 15 Pacificos later, I understand.
Weston: When I got to the bar, they were already there. I could just see the chemistry blossoming. I knew the trade was happening. I just wasn't sure when.
DMo: I learned that day that JWoo wasn't an asshole. It made a big difference.
JWoo: It kinda bothers me. I've struggled to overcome this. Ever since I tried to trade for Alonzo Mourning. There have been PR hurdles for this franchise. I mean, DMo literally told me he expected me to have evil villainous eyebrows and a deep baritone voice. That's a true story. And honestly, would kinda be down with that. Kinda like a Jafar vibe. Feels mysterious. But anyway, when I saw the relief in David's eyes — the genuine friendship — I knew I had a shot. I've never met anyone who loves karaoke more than me.
Steven: JWoo and I once sang Hunger Strike by Temple of the Dog A Capella in the basement of a Northwestern sorority while trying to convince them to donate money for hug research. He was Chris Cornell. I was Eddie Vedder.
JWoo: Really, nobody loves karaoke more than me.
DMo: I mean, he's really not a bad guy! You'd never believe it.
Gola: When he told me he was going to take that meeting in the middle of our Finals run I damn near spat my mother LaDonna's dentures out.
Weston: Really, I knew this was going to happen right then and there. I had just met the guy for the first time. Why did he order a Kona Big Wave? Multiple beers deep for a 45 minute meeting? I mean, you should have seen the way JWoo's eyes lit up when DMo brought up LeBron.
LeBron: I have that effect on people.
Steven: You should have seen me play Clandestine in a scrabble game. Yes, it's legal. You just add d-e-s-t-i-n-e to the word Clan, which has to be conveniently sitting there, that's how the game works. Do you know how hard that shit is?
JWoo: Look, we were in the middle of the playoffs at the time. I wasn't serious. I mean, actually, I did make another offer after we lost Game 7 to the Suns. When Yaroslav couldn't play through a bruised tailbone, I knew he couldn't retire a Raptor. What does culture even mean to him?
Drake: cul·ture /ˈkəlCHər/ the customs, arts, social institutions, and achievements of a particular nation, people, or other social group.
Gola: This time around, we still came on pretty strong. We offered Boogie, Gary Harris, Loon...man, Loon, fuck that dude. And some picks. Two Sixers picks! And DMo said no. Shit, I don't even know if Boogie knows he was available. Hope he doesn't read this.
JWoo: I can't confirm that offer was on the table, but it was on the table.
Steven: The fire's cookiiiiiiiiiiing, yeahhhhhh. Aren't we supposed to be singing this part?
JWoo: I got emotional that afternoon thinking about everything we'd built. I couldn't tear the team down yet. DMo waited too long and we walked away. Little did I know, a few weeks later, shit would hit the fan.
Toronto's Collapse
A month or so after the *clandestine* August meeting, the Raptors' 2019 season came to a crashing halt.
Antonio Daniels, Raptors legend: Have you ever been fired as a head coach, then hired back as a physical trainer, then fired again as a physical trainer? I don't think so.
Jerian Grant, Raptors guard: Man, kneecaps aren't supposed to break like that.
DeAndre Jordan, former Raptors center: I honestly wonder, if my kneecap doesn't get shattered in that game against Atlanta, am I still Canadian? Was I ever Canadian? How does that work?
Rob Ford, former Toronto mayor: DeAndre doesn't know that nobody taller than 6-foot-9 is allowed Canadian citizenship.
Drake: Don Dada Rob Ford it a wasteman ting, jah feel?
JWoo: That injury was so bad I had to fire Antonio again. I mean, after I traded Steven Adams we just didn't have a doctor on staff. It looked kind of bad. But that's why we have free healthcare, right?
Gola: Losing in seven to Cleveland, man, I had a bad feeling about that shit.
DeMarcus Cousins, Raptors center: I sat down with LaDon and JWoo after the season. We talked about it. They knew how I felt. I needed more help. It's hard being a No. 1 offensive option every night.
LeBron: It's not that hard being a No. 1 offensive option every night. You know what's hard? Playing until you're 39. Getting woken from a deep slumber and thrown into the fray time after time, making $30m to sacrifice your body every night for the fans. Kinda like Hugh Jackman.
Jordan: If I had just been healthy, maybe this all goes different.
Yaroslav Korolev, former Raptors forward: I sign shiny new five-year contract to stay in Toronto. Not to uproot my family. But at end of day it is business. And true that every time we go to Philadelphia, I cook Seventy-Sixers. They like me. I feel appreciate.
DMo: I just had to have Korolev.
The Trade Call
On a fateful October morning, following a 12-hour bender that reportedly began during a minor mushroom trip at a 50 person Kamala Harris fundraiser and ended in a hazy bar alongside at least one unnamed former New England Patriots wide receiver, JWoo picked up his phone and texted DMo. LeBron was, finally, traded to the Raptors.
JWoo: Honestly, that night, I didn't think I was doing the deal. I literally texted DMo and said no. Told him I wasn't feeling it. The cost was too high to tear apart my declining franchise. But I also knew it was going to be a long night. Can't speak about it. Don't ask. But there was no way I was going to trade for LeBron for the bit while I was in Los Angeles in the middle of one of the most bizarre nights of my life. No way that could have happened. I didn't think it was possible then.
DMo: JWoo also didn't know I was negotiating with Merv on the side.
Chad Mervis, Orlando Magic GM: The Orlando Magic do not comment on trade negotiations.
DMo: Merv offered me Kawhi, Al Horford, and like five firsts. It wasn't bad! But also not enough. JWoo never figured it out.
Rich Paul: Well, the thing about it was, Orlando's offer to the Sixers expired overnight. Merv had to pick up Al Horford's offer. He didn't do it! So DMo had nothing else on the table when he decided to sleep on it, and I don't think the Raptors knew.
DMo: I played JWoo for sure. But at least I know he's not an asshole.
Paul: I'm not sure JWoo's a great GM, but he's for sure an asshole.
JWoo: I woke up that morning a changed man. Don't ask why. Clandestine reasons. But I just knew deep down that this had to happen for the fun. That's what I told DMo. For the fun of the game. I didn't know that was going to be how he announced it on the boards.
DMo: Nothing was better than the praise I got on the boards.
Mottola: Nothing!
LeBron: The response was tough. Who knew I was hated by this many GMs? Guess I ended up in the right place.
Weilheimer, Hawks GM: I hate this trade.
Quady, Blazers GM: : They said it would never happen.
Jesse, Kings GM: Wow, sweet move for DMo! That's a heck of a return.
DMo: Jesse had literally not ever said one nice thing to me in my life before I made that deal.
Nolan, Rockets GM: Weston's theory was right.
Weston: Weston's theory is only like the 78th best Kendrick Lamar song.
Avu Chaturvedi, former Pistons GM: All of these people are insane and cannot be trusted.
Tyler, Suns GM: LeBron's stip is he has to play until 39 and he just got a +20 pot boost. He’s the best chess piece in the league and a proven game wrecker in the playoffs. Def a nice return for DMo but I’d do it for the fun if I was JWoo too.
Merv: Would also bet DMo had more than one good offer.
JWoo: There was honestly just no way I was going to trade for LeBron for the bit. Not even after going to Erewhon for the first time and being messaged separately by several different women that I should have ordered the Hailey Bieber smoothie. Going to Los Angeles in the sim year 2018 to try and rejuvenate a storied franchise that hasn't won a title in years? That features a disgruntled big man and a random supporting cast of OK vets? I mean, who in their right mind would do that?
DMo: I got his ass.
LeBron: When they told me who my new coach was gonna be, not gonna lie, I thought it was funny that LeBron and LaDon rhymed. I was with it. I got no rings. It sucks. Why not move to Canada? They only talk about hockey. They'll leave me alone up here. Time to go win a championship. No, I don't know why we're dispatching a dozen scouts to France. Why would you even ask me that?
JWoo: C'est Clandestine.
Gola: When you really think about it, we were headed for problems. Our guys didn't get along anymore. DeAndre and Yaroslav were making too much money in the end. Other guys were jealous. Our defense fell off. Our offense sucked. Loon was moping. I don't think he ever got over the incident with the mounties. And I mean, really, too much cash was tied up in guys who weren't that great at scoring. We tried to win with defense in the playoffs so many times. Just couldn't get over the hump. And now I gotta coach this team and try to make it work. As my mother LaDonna used to say, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." Did I say that too loud?
Steven: You did say that too loud. I bet you thought only these kids over here in this trenchcoat could hear it. Think again, LaDon. Also, when I fire Monty Williams as my GhostCoach once he lets me out of this eternal spirit bargain I made in Paramus, you should come back to the Swamp. Come home. The Long Island Nets birthed you.
Gola: What is a Ghost Coach?
Drake: Mi nuh know, wah gwaan!
Steven: Surprise! There's an adult in here!
The Beginning of the End
The year was 2018. It was a seven-game series against the top-seeded Knicks, a hard-fought battle that nearly led to a 1-8 first round upset, in which LeBron made his last stand as a 76er.
DMo, 76ers GM: If I had to pin the breakup on something, it was that Game 7.
Rich Paul, Klutch Sports CEO: That was the beginning of the end.
LeBron James: We didn't win that thing, but shit, it almost felt like we did. Blowing a one-point lead on the road in the fourth quarter of Game 7?
Hanno Mottola, 76ers head coach: Fuck, we were so close.
DMo: Honestly, I was really considering moving Bron before that season. But then I got LaMarcus and Monta and wanted to give it one more go. For the King.
LeBron: The Sixers always treated me well. It felt like home. I never wanted to leave. But sometimes opportunities arise.
Spike Lee, Knicks superfan: I booed that soft ass motherf--ker off the floor that night. I knew he was cooked. I just didn't know he'd be so cooked he'd end up in Canada.
Steven Louis, New Jersey Swamp GM: I was at that game too. Wearing Knicks gear, don't tell Kemba. But I was undercover in a trenchcoat designed to make it look like I was three kids in a trenchcoat. Pretty sure it worked. Then I snuck into the home locker room to see if it was true that Nav had really bought Switches for all the players. I heard Embiid is really nice at Splatoon. We have PS5's at the Izod Center now.
Joel Embiid, New York Knicks: I'm undefeated against Bismack in Splatoon.
Charles Barkley, Inside the SLN: The thing about Splatoon is, why are there Octopi squirting each other in the desert? That don't make no sense.
Shaquille O'Neal, Inside the SLN: They did what Chuck?
DMo: Look, I knew I’d have to get off one of the three contracts. LaMarcus and Monta would be hard to move. I mean look at LaMarcus, he's huge! Monta is more normal person-sized. But still challenging. It left me with one choice. I knew I had to do right by Bron and send him somewhere else. I just didn't know exactly how long it would take for me to get there. Trading is hard, man.
JWoo, Raptors GM: It's crazy it took this long. But, I mean, here we are. Look at us.
Gola: If we're being honest. And I'm always honest. On my momma LaDonna, DMo should have taken our first offer.
The First Offer
Negotiations between the Raptors and 76ers began in earnest ahead of the 2018 season, when JWoo dialed in from a burner phone and made DMo an offer. The game was afoot.
JWoo: If a game has ever been afoot, it was afoot for sure, I mean, it was a strong ass offer.
Drake, Canadian celebrity: Strong ass offer. JWoo sent me that shit in advance. I signed off on it. As I often do. Some say I'm the shadow GM of the Raptors. Some say I deserve credit for everything they've done. Like turning DeMarcus Cousins into a winning player and turning a random squad of guys into a perennial winner. That's all me, for real.
LaDon Gola, Raptors head coach: Look, as a young coach with little say over the proceedings, I even thought it was too much. Shaun Livingston, Aaron Gordon, Jerami Grant, Steven Adams, TOR 18 FRP, LAC 18 FRP, TOR 19 FRP, PHI 19 FRP, SAS 19 FRP, TOR 20 FRP, PHI 21 FRP and TOR 21 FRP? Is that a lot for one player? Am I just speaking in trade shorthand right now? Is this simulation even real?
Paul: At that time, we didn't wanna go to Canada, honestly. I told DMo that myself.
LeBron: It would have been kinda insulting to get traded for Shaun Livingston. Remember when that guy left me in the lurch? When he and Dwight went on TV and televised a special that they said was for charity but really went into a slush fund for the giant White Party Michael Dunkin Penberthy threw for his retirement? I wasn't about it, man.
Gola: Man, we did OK anyway the last few years. We didn't need LeBron. At least, um, not then.
Kevin Garnett, Raptors legend: I swear LeBron bounced us out of the playoffs like six separate times back in the day. There was some bad blood there, too. Tony Allen once tried to give him a psychic wedgie as a psy op. At least, he thought that's what that meant.
Shaun Livingston, former Raptors and Sixers guard: I sometimes wonder what would have happened. If I had gone home. Like in that one song that talks about coming home. What's it called again?
Drake: I think I was the one who talked JWoo out of it. Yep, that was me.
DMo: I thought about it. It just wasn't enough. Eight picks? A superstar and a rising star? Honestly, just wasn't feeling it.
JWoo: I've never been more frustrated in my life. Eight picks? Shaun Livingston in his prime? AG coming off a supercamp? I knew this was the type of thing that called for alternate tactics. Clandestine tactics.
Clandestine Tactics
Steven: Man, in college, I once played the word clandestine against Woo at 3AM in a game of strip scrabble. Ask him how he learned its definition. Ask him. No, seriously.
Drake: clan·des·tine /klanˈdestən,ˈklandəsˌtēn/Kept secret or done secretively, especially because illicit.
JWoo: Under cover of darkness, I took a secret trip to Bethesda. I even wore a disguise on the train. A friend I won't name loaned me his trenchcoat designed to look like three kids in one trenchcoat. It didn't fit me that well though. I think I only looked like two kids. My mustache though? All real, baby.
Weston, Bullets GM: Honestly, the meeting was not clandestine at all. I know because I was physically present. We sent a selfie to the league chat. It literally was not a secret.
DMo: Ayyy, ask about me at Caddies.
Gola: If there's one thing I've learned in my extremely successful coaching career which includes four straight central division championships, it's that there's no better way to pull off a secret meeting than hold it in a golf-themed dive bar where the person you're meeting knows every single bartender. I once had a secret meeting in the basement of my brain.
Mottola: On my recruiting visit to Philadelphia, DMo, he drive me all the way to Bethesda to go to Caddies. I say, DMo, why you do this? I am humble Finnish man. What is golf? Why we leave Philly metro area to see this Maryland? 15 Pacificos later, I understand.
Weston: When I got to the bar, they were already there. I could just see the chemistry blossoming. I knew the trade was happening. I just wasn't sure when.
DMo: I learned that day that JWoo wasn't an asshole. It made a big difference.
JWoo: It kinda bothers me. I've struggled to overcome this. Ever since I tried to trade for Alonzo Mourning. There have been PR hurdles for this franchise. I mean, DMo literally told me he expected me to have evil villainous eyebrows and a deep baritone voice. That's a true story. And honestly, would kinda be down with that. Kinda like a Jafar vibe. Feels mysterious. But anyway, when I saw the relief in David's eyes — the genuine friendship — I knew I had a shot. I've never met anyone who loves karaoke more than me.
Steven: JWoo and I once sang Hunger Strike by Temple of the Dog A Capella in the basement of a Northwestern sorority while trying to convince them to donate money for hug research. He was Chris Cornell. I was Eddie Vedder.
JWoo: Really, nobody loves karaoke more than me.
DMo: I mean, he's really not a bad guy! You'd never believe it.
Gola: When he told me he was going to take that meeting in the middle of our Finals run I damn near spat my mother LaDonna's dentures out.
Weston: Really, I knew this was going to happen right then and there. I had just met the guy for the first time. Why did he order a Kona Big Wave? Multiple beers deep for a 45 minute meeting? I mean, you should have seen the way JWoo's eyes lit up when DMo brought up LeBron.
LeBron: I have that effect on people.
Steven: You should have seen me play Clandestine in a scrabble game. Yes, it's legal. You just add d-e-s-t-i-n-e to the word Clan, which has to be conveniently sitting there, that's how the game works. Do you know how hard that shit is?
JWoo: Look, we were in the middle of the playoffs at the time. I wasn't serious. I mean, actually, I did make another offer after we lost Game 7 to the Suns. When Yaroslav couldn't play through a bruised tailbone, I knew he couldn't retire a Raptor. What does culture even mean to him?
Drake: cul·ture /ˈkəlCHər/ the customs, arts, social institutions, and achievements of a particular nation, people, or other social group.
Gola: This time around, we still came on pretty strong. We offered Boogie, Gary Harris, Loon...man, Loon, fuck that dude. And some picks. Two Sixers picks! And DMo said no. Shit, I don't even know if Boogie knows he was available. Hope he doesn't read this.
JWoo: I can't confirm that offer was on the table, but it was on the table.
Steven: The fire's cookiiiiiiiiiiing, yeahhhhhh. Aren't we supposed to be singing this part?
JWoo: I got emotional that afternoon thinking about everything we'd built. I couldn't tear the team down yet. DMo waited too long and we walked away. Little did I know, a few weeks later, shit would hit the fan.
Toronto's Collapse
A month or so after the *clandestine* August meeting, the Raptors' 2019 season came to a crashing halt.
Antonio Daniels, Raptors legend: Have you ever been fired as a head coach, then hired back as a physical trainer, then fired again as a physical trainer? I don't think so.
Jerian Grant, Raptors guard: Man, kneecaps aren't supposed to break like that.
DeAndre Jordan, former Raptors center: I honestly wonder, if my kneecap doesn't get shattered in that game against Atlanta, am I still Canadian? Was I ever Canadian? How does that work?
Rob Ford, former Toronto mayor: DeAndre doesn't know that nobody taller than 6-foot-9 is allowed Canadian citizenship.
Drake: Don Dada Rob Ford it a wasteman ting, jah feel?
JWoo: That injury was so bad I had to fire Antonio again. I mean, after I traded Steven Adams we just didn't have a doctor on staff. It looked kind of bad. But that's why we have free healthcare, right?
Gola: Losing in seven to Cleveland, man, I had a bad feeling about that shit.
DeMarcus Cousins, Raptors center: I sat down with LaDon and JWoo after the season. We talked about it. They knew how I felt. I needed more help. It's hard being a No. 1 offensive option every night.
LeBron: It's not that hard being a No. 1 offensive option every night. You know what's hard? Playing until you're 39. Getting woken from a deep slumber and thrown into the fray time after time, making $30m to sacrifice your body every night for the fans. Kinda like Hugh Jackman.
Jordan: If I had just been healthy, maybe this all goes different.
Yaroslav Korolev, former Raptors forward: I sign shiny new five-year contract to stay in Toronto. Not to uproot my family. But at end of day it is business. And true that every time we go to Philadelphia, I cook Seventy-Sixers. They like me. I feel appreciate.
DMo: I just had to have Korolev.
The Trade Call
On a fateful October morning, following a 12-hour bender that reportedly began during a minor mushroom trip at a 50 person Kamala Harris fundraiser and ended in a hazy bar alongside at least one unnamed former New England Patriots wide receiver, JWoo picked up his phone and texted DMo. LeBron was, finally, traded to the Raptors.
JWoo: Honestly, that night, I didn't think I was doing the deal. I literally texted DMo and said no. Told him I wasn't feeling it. The cost was too high to tear apart my declining franchise. But I also knew it was going to be a long night. Can't speak about it. Don't ask. But there was no way I was going to trade for LeBron for the bit while I was in Los Angeles in the middle of one of the most bizarre nights of my life. No way that could have happened. I didn't think it was possible then.
DMo: JWoo also didn't know I was negotiating with Merv on the side.
Chad Mervis, Orlando Magic GM: The Orlando Magic do not comment on trade negotiations.
DMo: Merv offered me Kawhi, Al Horford, and like five firsts. It wasn't bad! But also not enough. JWoo never figured it out.
Rich Paul: Well, the thing about it was, Orlando's offer to the Sixers expired overnight. Merv had to pick up Al Horford's offer. He didn't do it! So DMo had nothing else on the table when he decided to sleep on it, and I don't think the Raptors knew.
DMo: I played JWoo for sure. But at least I know he's not an asshole.
Paul: I'm not sure JWoo's a great GM, but he's for sure an asshole.
JWoo: I woke up that morning a changed man. Don't ask why. Clandestine reasons. But I just knew deep down that this had to happen for the fun. That's what I told DMo. For the fun of the game. I didn't know that was going to be how he announced it on the boards.
DMo: Nothing was better than the praise I got on the boards.
Mottola: Nothing!
LeBron: The response was tough. Who knew I was hated by this many GMs? Guess I ended up in the right place.
Weilheimer, Hawks GM: I hate this trade.
Quady, Blazers GM: : They said it would never happen.
Jesse, Kings GM: Wow, sweet move for DMo! That's a heck of a return.
DMo: Jesse had literally not ever said one nice thing to me in my life before I made that deal.
Nolan, Rockets GM: Weston's theory was right.
Weston: Weston's theory is only like the 78th best Kendrick Lamar song.
Avu Chaturvedi, former Pistons GM: All of these people are insane and cannot be trusted.
Tyler, Suns GM: LeBron's stip is he has to play until 39 and he just got a +20 pot boost. He’s the best chess piece in the league and a proven game wrecker in the playoffs. Def a nice return for DMo but I’d do it for the fun if I was JWoo too.
Merv: Would also bet DMo had more than one good offer.
JWoo: There was honestly just no way I was going to trade for LeBron for the bit. Not even after going to Erewhon for the first time and being messaged separately by several different women that I should have ordered the Hailey Bieber smoothie. Going to Los Angeles in the sim year 2018 to try and rejuvenate a storied franchise that hasn't won a title in years? That features a disgruntled big man and a random supporting cast of OK vets? I mean, who in their right mind would do that?
DMo: I got his ass.
LeBron: When they told me who my new coach was gonna be, not gonna lie, I thought it was funny that LeBron and LaDon rhymed. I was with it. I got no rings. It sucks. Why not move to Canada? They only talk about hockey. They'll leave me alone up here. Time to go win a championship. No, I don't know why we're dispatching a dozen scouts to France. Why would you even ask me that?
JWoo: C'est Clandestine.
Gola: When you really think about it, we were headed for problems. Our guys didn't get along anymore. DeAndre and Yaroslav were making too much money in the end. Other guys were jealous. Our defense fell off. Our offense sucked. Loon was moping. I don't think he ever got over the incident with the mounties. And I mean, really, too much cash was tied up in guys who weren't that great at scoring. We tried to win with defense in the playoffs so many times. Just couldn't get over the hump. And now I gotta coach this team and try to make it work. As my mother LaDonna used to say, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." Did I say that too loud?
Steven: You did say that too loud. I bet you thought only these kids over here in this trenchcoat could hear it. Think again, LaDon. Also, when I fire Monty Williams as my GhostCoach once he lets me out of this eternal spirit bargain I made in Paramus, you should come back to the Swamp. Come home. The Long Island Nets birthed you.
Gola: What is a Ghost Coach?
Drake: Mi nuh know, wah gwaan!
Steven: Surprise! There's an adult in here!
Last edited by LeBronto on October 15th, 2024, 12:32 am, edited 16 times in total.
Raptors 905
45-9
2020 NDL regular season champions
45-9
2020 NDL regular season champions
Ghost coach is how you end up gay haunted
Fauci is a nerd
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SWAMP STEVEN
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C'est Clandestine, motherfuckers
*DJ DRAMA VOICE* OH YOU HEARD THE RUMORS [GANGSTA GRIZZILLZ] IT’S A MOTHERFUCKIN SWAMPSTORY!
*lighter flick* Never talk to the cops I don’t speak piglatin / I turned the Nets into the motherfuckin Swamp Dragons
*lighter flick* Never talk to the cops I don’t speak piglatin / I turned the Nets into the motherfuckin Swamp Dragons
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mantypas/CavsCzar
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Brb - buying splatoon and playing it till my fingers fall off
FOR THE LAND (sometimes its ok to be a little sad)
Jafar def would be the Disney character that I pictured JWoo as before we met…
More accurately in my head, if you’ve ever seen Brooklyn 99, the original composite sketch of the “Pontiac Bandit” is exactly what I pictured him as (with more ‘villainous looking’ eyebrows).
You can see the full clip here: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZP88rUPTk/
More accurately in my head, if you’ve ever seen Brooklyn 99, the original composite sketch of the “Pontiac Bandit” is exactly what I pictured him as (with more ‘villainous looking’ eyebrows).
You can see the full clip here: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZP88rUPTk/
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I'm convinced this was the key take away from that meetup and ultimately made the difference
Did you actually go to Erewhon? I feel like that goes against what I know about you JWoo. But I would go for the bit and to try the watermelon my fav influencers post
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