Kyrie Irving: Close Door Meeting w/ Moderna
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Kyrie Irving: Close Door Meeting w/ Moderna
After over half the season of refusing the vaccine, Kyrie Irving has pulled a 180 and announced he might take it—on one condition: he needed answers from Moderna first. Kyrie set up a private meeting with their top scientists and executives to “align the vibes.”
Here’s what went down.
Kyrie’s Grand Entrance
Kyrie arrived at Moderna HQ in a long white robe, barefoot, carrying a basketball he called his “truth orb.” He also had a pouch of sage, which he lit in the lobby to “cleanse the energy.” Security asked him to put out the fire, but Kyrie just whispered, “It’s not fire—it’s freedom.”
Once inside, Kyrie asked for the meeting room to be lit with candles only. Moderna scrambled to find some, eventually using leftover birthday candles from the breakroom.
The Meeting Begins
Kyrie started things off with a serious tone:
“Before we talk vaccines, I need to know—does Moderna believe in alternate realities? Because if this only works in this timeline, I don’t know if I can trust it.”
The Moderna execs looked confused, but the lead scientist replied, “We focus on this reality.”
Kyrie frowned. “That’s disappointing, but let’s continue.”
Kyrie’s Questions
Kyrie had a notebook full of questions, and he didn’t hold back:
“Why does it have to be a shot?”
“Can you make it a tea instead? Needles throw off my body’s vibe.”
“Is it magnetic?”
“I heard vaccinated people can stick metal to their arms. If that’s true, could I use it to improve my dribble?”
“What happens during a solar flare?”
Kyrie pulled out a hand-drawn chart and said, “I’m worried about cosmic interference.”
Kyrie’s Offer
After hearing the scientists out, Kyrie made a surprising counteroffer:
“I’ll take the vaccine, but only if you rename it Moderna Mystic Serum and give everyone a free crystal with it. People trust crystals more than needles.”
The Moderna team tried to keep a straight face but didn’t agree. Kyrie sighed and said, “You’re missing out on a whole market of enlightened ballers.”
The Walkout
The meeting ended when Kyrie stood up, placed his basketball on the table, and declared, “I need to meditate on this.”
As he left, he turned to the stunned scientists and said, “Vaccines are cool, but have you ever boosted your immunity through vibration? Look into it.”
What’s Next for Kyrie?
Sources close to Kyrie say he’s still “thinking about it.” Moderna, meanwhile, has declined to comment.
Whether Kyrie takes the vaccine or not, one thing is for sure: he’ll do it his way.
Here’s what went down.
Kyrie’s Grand Entrance
Kyrie arrived at Moderna HQ in a long white robe, barefoot, carrying a basketball he called his “truth orb.” He also had a pouch of sage, which he lit in the lobby to “cleanse the energy.” Security asked him to put out the fire, but Kyrie just whispered, “It’s not fire—it’s freedom.”
Once inside, Kyrie asked for the meeting room to be lit with candles only. Moderna scrambled to find some, eventually using leftover birthday candles from the breakroom.
The Meeting Begins
Kyrie started things off with a serious tone:
“Before we talk vaccines, I need to know—does Moderna believe in alternate realities? Because if this only works in this timeline, I don’t know if I can trust it.”
The Moderna execs looked confused, but the lead scientist replied, “We focus on this reality.”
Kyrie frowned. “That’s disappointing, but let’s continue.”
Kyrie’s Questions
Kyrie had a notebook full of questions, and he didn’t hold back:
“Why does it have to be a shot?”
“Can you make it a tea instead? Needles throw off my body’s vibe.”
“Is it magnetic?”
“I heard vaccinated people can stick metal to their arms. If that’s true, could I use it to improve my dribble?”
“What happens during a solar flare?”
Kyrie pulled out a hand-drawn chart and said, “I’m worried about cosmic interference.”
Kyrie’s Offer
After hearing the scientists out, Kyrie made a surprising counteroffer:
“I’ll take the vaccine, but only if you rename it Moderna Mystic Serum and give everyone a free crystal with it. People trust crystals more than needles.”
The Moderna team tried to keep a straight face but didn’t agree. Kyrie sighed and said, “You’re missing out on a whole market of enlightened ballers.”
The Walkout
The meeting ended when Kyrie stood up, placed his basketball on the table, and declared, “I need to meditate on this.”
As he left, he turned to the stunned scientists and said, “Vaccines are cool, but have you ever boosted your immunity through vibration? Look into it.”
What’s Next for Kyrie?
Sources close to Kyrie say he’s still “thinking about it.” Moderna, meanwhile, has declined to comment.
Whether Kyrie takes the vaccine or not, one thing is for sure: he’ll do it his way.
2020 Bubble Boyz
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