SLN GMs Babysitter Power Rankings

[Matt]

why not. As someone with no kids of my own and no nieces or nephews, I may be the least qualified to make these rankings - but I do think I'm probably up there in terms of number of people in the league I've met in person, so let's have some fun, shall we?

This ranking will be the order in which I would call on each of these GMs to watch my (hypothetical and currently nonexistent) child for a night, assuming all of them are available. The list will be based on how safe/comfortable I'd feel with them, how much I think my kid would enjoy their time, how good an example they'd set for my kid, among other things. Where I have IRL examples to pull from, I will, but I may have to rely on a GM's stewardship of their franchise in order to come to a conclusion.

DISCLAIMER: i PUT ABOUT 0 THOUGHT INTO THIS PLZ DONT TAKE ANY JOKES PERSONALLY I LOVE YOU ALL AND WOULD (probably) TRUST YOU WITH MY UNBORN CHILD

Without further ado!

I won't be ranking myself, so 28 GMs:

28. Nav

Nav is recently married and will make a great dad one day...when it's his own child. You really couldn't pay me to give Nav custody of one of my children for a full night - even if the kid ends up making it out alive, I just know he/she will have learned some potty-mouthed words and probably will have a offshore gambling account with a -$300 balance by morning.

27. Jesse

Another hopefully soon-to-be father who I have no doubt will be excellent in the role - I'd just be worried that after several hours in isolation with Jesse anyone without a fully formed prefrontal cortex (most people with one) would be on the losing end of somewhere between 9-12 trades, depending on the day. Can't have Baby Cherokee Parks trading his gold-plated binkie for two Kings firsts and a bag of chips.

26. Clint

I actually wouldn't be surprised if Clint had a special talent for dealing with children - but his signature move of ghosting wouldn't make me feel particularly comfortable...whether he'd be ghosting me when I'm trying to check in or ghosting Baby Greg Minor when he needs to be changed.

25. Ralph

We haven't met in person and he's been off the boards of late, so not a ton to go off of here. I guess this ranking could be low if my baby enjoys being regaled with the tales of trading Jerome Kersey for two firsts.

24. Derek

Derek is actually going to be a father in like 3 months. This ranking is totally dependent on how chill my baby is gonna be. If my baby is chill, I can only assume Derek would be a perfect chill babysitter to spent time with him/her. But in the event that my baby is not chill, I have a feeling Derek would be not very down with hanging out with not chill baby. Given that the baby will have my genes and not Derek's, I can only assume the baby will not be chill enough to meet Derek's standards.

23. Joe

Joe's ability to care for the baby would depend solely on the female companion he's spending his time with at the current moment. If the flavor of the month happens to have a knack for childcare, I'd assume Baby Tony Parker will be in good hands. But in the event that Joe needs to care for the baby himself...well I just don't see how he can fit 18 holes in AND take care of the baby.

22. Scoops

Dude's just a busy guy and it seems like he's never off the clock. Think he'd be great given the opportunity but just don't see a world we he can devote the time and attention Baby Luka really needs.

21. Hoff

Things I know about Hoff: not afraid to pull the trigger on a huge deal, makes decisions based on the here and now and deals with consequences later. I feel like 21 is a fair ranking.

20. Jwoo

Kinda similar to the Jesse thing, I'd be worried that prolonged exposure to Jwoo means my kid might get fleeced out of his shoes - but I also have personally experienced spending 8 hours as a 10 year old in the same room building a Madden franchise-mode dynasty with Jwoo. It's an experience any kid should have.

19. Pankin

Pankin was born to be the fun uncle who introduces you to weed for the first time and then laughs his ass off when you hack up a lung and have a bad time. Great experience for the kid.

18. Mantypas

Was lucky enough to spend some time with Mantypas's older brother Pantypas a couple weekends ago on a golf trip. Apparently when Mantypas was a kid he used to eat hamburgers with nothing but ketchup but also without the burger patty - just buns and ketchup. Psychopath stuff.

17. Tyler

Tyler is a self-proclaimed gambling addict with a heart of gold - I'd just be worried about my kid babbling about how the Chiefs actually get way fewer calls than people realize for the foreseeable future

16. Nolan

I've seen Nolan be doting to his younger cousins and be a menace to his younger brother (kind of a tradition in their household). I have to believe Nolan would bring his A game to this engagement but I would be a bit nervous about him octo-tabling high stakes poker and deciding the EV of letting Baby Kelvin Cato roam the house free doesn't outweigh the EV of cold 4 betting from the small blind with QT suited after a LJ open, two field callers and a three bet from the button

15. Nick

I may have gotten got by the propaganda because the betting odds had Nick in the 20s at -20000 odds...but 10 nieces and nephews speaks for itself. I can definitely see Nick being a responsible uncle but the trade conversations are just erratic enough to keep him out of the true upper crust of these rankings.

14. GX

Definitely gives fun uncle vibes but also is a lying fascist fuck so can't trust him for a second. Prob too high tbh

13. Jordo

I don't know what Jordo won his Emmys for but I do know that Baby Rashad McCants will have a face made for the screen. I'd gladly sacrifice my child's future sense of normalcy if it meant I could live my dreams of being a famous child actor vicariously through him and tiger dad his way to the top. Oh also Jordo has a dog which is basically a kid

12. Merv

Much like he took the fuckjob that was ZW's Magic to the promised land, there's reason to believe that whatever horrific parenting I do, Merv may be able to correct. I can only imagine how elated a young child would be to hear The Song played on repeat

11. Bobby

Electric fun uncle vibes, plus I feel like Bobby could teach Baby Rasheed Wallace all the dirty little secrets of life that I couldn't teach him. Like how you need to cop to farts early and often throughout the night so when you let a true face melter rip later on you can deny it with full credibility. Pure genius

10. Tonger

If I wanted someone to create a metric by which to evaluate the every GM's potential babysitting ability, I'd go to Tong. I also think Tong would probably score pretty highly on that metric. I'd guess he'd score about 10th highest, to be exact.

9. Josh

Idk why but I kinda trust Josh with my life. Just a feeling I have. Also Josh plz respond to my trade offer!

8. Dmo

I think Dmo would be great in this role - I think we'd all agree he's the kindest soul in this league. I'm sure he'll make Baby Otto Porter hold the camera for a food review, but I bet Dmo would be nice enough to give him a cameo.

7. Quady

Analytically driven and with a soothing voice that I'm sure would calm even the most upset toddlers. Kinda similar to Josh, for whatever reason I just know Quady'd take good care of Baby Frankie Smokes

6. Steven

Perhaps the most fun uncle vibes in the league, I'd prob hire Steven and then cancel my plans just to see what we'd get into. If we can get a shred of the comedic instinct to rub off on the kid it'll be a job well done

5. Wes

Little kids fuck with Wes in a serious way. This one is based on more real life experiences than anything else

4. Kipke

Kipke is nothing if not a man driven by a desire to not upset people. Given that any issues with any children would probably lead to an extremely upset customer, I can only imagine that if entrusted with the responsibility, Kipke would do absolutely everything in his power to do a good job. Anxiety is a helluva drug

3. Heimer

Just please for the love of god teach my kid how to swing a golf club and get him to be good. PLEASE. Will actually pay money for this in 10 years when I have a real kid.

2. Jack

Kinda gotta have the actual dads at the top of this list because I don't think any of us actually would know what to do in case of emergency. Unfortunately I have about an hour of cumulative time seeing Jack in the dad role and a lot more seeing him in high school / college kid role so I just can't put him at #1 in good faith, even though he's an excellent father and Charlie is amazing.

1. RB

Clear number one choice for me - most dad experience out of the bunch and, just as a bonus, he has just impeccable taste in fonts.

[mantypas/CavsCzar]

Pantypas is the youngest of the Antypas clan... unfortunately, the ketchup story is true and is inescapable

[jwoo]

Sleepy Easley ftw

[GX.]

is a lying fascist fuck so can't trust him for a second.

sounds like something a fascist would say

[SoNicks]

As my boy Dietrich would say, “WE PLACED!!!”

[jwoo]

20 is probably too low for me, da shorties love uncle JWoo

[Matt]

20 is probably too low for me, da shorties love uncle JWoo

TBH after 29 the list was pretty tough

[Hoff]

Josh is really good at babysitting... he babysits me at work

[heimer]

good thing you are offering actual money versus monopoly money. woulda been awkward if i taught your future kid to swing it like jim furyk

[Merv]

SoNicks in the mid teens is the most B- grade ever