The Dinos in Disney [SWAMPSTORYZ VOL. 17]

[SWAMP STEVEN]

The Dinos in Disney [SWAMPSTORYZ VOL. 17]

Marcel DuSWAMP for SwampMedia

Disney+ bundle subscribers now have access to the full SwampMedia archive, even our ill-fated remake of "A Serbian Film" with simulated Nikola Jokić.

ANAHEIM, Calif. — The SLN's incumbent champion took its long-awaited trip to Disneyland last weekend. In a surprising break from league norms, Jeremy Woo's Toronto Raptors invited press to observe their revelry. Here's what went down at "The Rappiest Place on Earth."

[Ed note: we just don't make Eds anymore. According to BabyCenter dot com, Edwin ranks 795th in name popularity. Washed! We are living through Shaq-in-a-Celtics-jersey indignity when it comes to the name Edwin. This is a stark drop off from its 1913 peak, when there were approximately 3,800 Edwins per million babies born. The emptiness crinkling just beyond our reach, the pit in our stomachs and the sad face emoji in our butts ... that's us realizing there are no more Eds. Do your part and name a child Edwin, even if it's not yours and already has a name.]

[Editor's note: ... the Ed thing is fucked up, yeah. Anyway, all of these things really happened last Sunday, either directly to us or as witnessed in the park. Bonus RP to the reader that correctly identifies which things happened to WOO, which happened to ME and which were done by a THIRD PARTY].

Troy Brown Jr. admitted that he's never seen a Star Wars installment. "I think I just missed the window there, and I know it won't hit the same as an adult," he said. It was a thoughtful meditation on nostalgia, but he said in the single worst Australian accent to ever break the sound barrier. "Andor? I'll take your mom, and/or your sister!," he concluded.

Amarion Dickerson loved the Millennium Falcon ride, but he was enraged by the game's shooting metrics. "I didn't know they were keeping score," he said, wistfully. "I was letting the clip go in celebration. We beat the friggin' First Order, and then I have to hear some shit about '42 percent gunner accuracy.' 100 percent not having it, how about that?"

Collin Murray-Boyles loved the Millennium Falcon ride, and he knew that the gunners' accuracy marks would be displayed after the ride. "Proper preparation prevents poor performance," he repeatedly barked at a small child (not named Ed, not even close, fauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk). Murray-Boyles later showed press his intensive r/disneyland Reddit search history ("how to look cool at the theme park," "beat the mouse" and "when does it count").

Josh Hart got drunk at the Cantina, trying to fit the chorus of "Travis Kelce's Hog (Husband)" over the iconic theme music. It's 2029, you guys haven't heard that new Taylor Swift single.

Deandre Ayton cackled as he watched Hart spill a glass of beer on an unsuspecting child sitting on the Cantina floor. "Honestly, it's the kid's fault," Hart said. Ayton pantomimed the SLN "challenge" signal, then collapsed in laughter.

Trayce Jackson-Davis [SPECIAL: OVER 0.5 POINTS FIRST-TIME BET ON SWAMPSLOTS, THE ONLY SIM SPORTSBOOK THAT'S ALSO A DENTIST] bought what he called a "Vin Baker's dozen" churros after returning to Adventureland. When asked about that turn of phrase, he reasoned that "Baker wore no. 42 and 4+2=6." When asked why he wouldn't say "half dozen," Jackson-Davis said, "there's nothing half about me. What you see is whole man. A whole, whole man." The reserve center asked to use an employee discount ("I'm an employee somewhere, dumbass. Where? Gee, a lil place called SIM CHAMPS"). He paid with a $300 money order.

Victor Wembanyama had a busy day, even though his 7'3" frame kept him from riding any main attractions. Wemby clocked a shift as Space Mountain, then spent the afternoon talking industry and ecology with Craig Kirkwood, an annual Disney pass holder and actor best known as "Rev" from Remember the Titans.

Amen Thompson dressed up as Beetlejuice, who is not a Disney character. He looked great, though.

Nolan Traore dressed up as Donald Duck, who is a Disney character ... one with no pants. He was banished to Bayou Country. "It's called Jeff Teague-ing, read a book, or pretend to read a book and then scroll the SLN subreddit," the star point guard lamented.

[Merv]

SWAMP STORY

[SWAMP STEVEN]

Jeremy will get five swampnocchios if he denies any part of this

[jwoo]

Some of this is true. Nique Clifford got sick and had to stay home

[R B]

even our ill-fated remake of "A Serbian Film" with simulated Nikola Jokić.

[SWAMP STEVEN]

even our ill-fated remake of "A Serbian Film" with simulated Nikola Jokić.

Wow insane emoji choice

[jwoo]

Steven tried to get me to wear a raptors shirt but I didn’t

[SourKittles]

Wouldn’t be a real NJ season without a SWAMPSTORY

[Joe]

I saw someone post that based on the new album, Taylor Swift might have the first confirmed case of sexually transmitted CTE

[Joe]

And that kids feet were moving when the beer hit him, textbook blocking foul