Hawks GM Heimer deploys most iron-clad exit strategy known to MANagement
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Schmagel Steinbagel
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Hawks GM Heimer deploys most iron-clad exit strategy known to MANagement
Live from Hotlanta, it's Thursday night! In a masterclass of vague communication, Hawks GM Heimer 3-Timer has temporarily vacated his post and left nothing but a note. Hawks brass has yet to release the note in full, but sources say the main reason is nothing other than “personal issues”.
“We still have no idea what that implies, I mean, it’s an iron-clad excuse. How could anyone ask a follow up question? No one wants to be that guy.”
"It's genius, really," said Celtics GM Joe Celtic. "Could be anything from existential dread to a ridiculously cool timeshare in Thailand he can't escape. The beauty is in the ambiguity."
“I’ve never seen anything like it and I’ve been covering the NBA for a while now” said Raptors GM Jeremy Raptor. “I made some soup. Do you want some? Some might say Heimer broke bad. haha. Others might call it ‘TIGHT TIGHT TIGHT!!’ haha. Jk. I’m watching Breaking Bad for the fourth time. It’s great but nothing compares to The Wire. It’s the best. Come to Toronto... Please.”
“That Heimer guy is brilliant! He just pulled off the perfect corporate smoke bomb – it’s like a universal code for fuck off and leave me alone but you’ll never know how great my pain is, or how happy I am,” said Sonics GM Nick Sonic. “The vague phrase creates an impenetrable shield against follow-up questions – like the energy shield protecting Wakanda using vibranium technology to fend off Thanos and his massive cock, I mean forces. YIBAMBE!!”
The Hawks organization has assured fans that operations will continue smoothly in Heimer's absence, though they declined to elaborate on what "smoothly" means or when he might return. Hawks brass has nominated Assistant GM Schmagel Steinbagel to take over in the interim and left SLN fans with zero other comments. They did leave a great selection of Bagels. Excellent spread.
As the Hawks navigate this very very very vast void left by Heimer's departure, one thing remains crystal clear: the SLN waits for no man, woman, or trans. Whether that man, woman, or trans is out achieving enlightenment at a Tibetan monastery or simply binge-watching every season of Breaking Bad to understand that Tuco Salamanca reference, the league marches forward.
"Personal issues or not, the games don't stop," said SLN Commissioner Ashes. "Teams are still trading, tanking, and talking trash. It's beautiful, really. And I created it all… Muahahaha Muahahaha Muahahaha!!!"
“We still have no idea what that implies, I mean, it’s an iron-clad excuse. How could anyone ask a follow up question? No one wants to be that guy.”
"It's genius, really," said Celtics GM Joe Celtic. "Could be anything from existential dread to a ridiculously cool timeshare in Thailand he can't escape. The beauty is in the ambiguity."
“I’ve never seen anything like it and I’ve been covering the NBA for a while now” said Raptors GM Jeremy Raptor. “I made some soup. Do you want some? Some might say Heimer broke bad. haha. Others might call it ‘TIGHT TIGHT TIGHT!!’ haha. Jk. I’m watching Breaking Bad for the fourth time. It’s great but nothing compares to The Wire. It’s the best. Come to Toronto... Please.”
“That Heimer guy is brilliant! He just pulled off the perfect corporate smoke bomb – it’s like a universal code for fuck off and leave me alone but you’ll never know how great my pain is, or how happy I am,” said Sonics GM Nick Sonic. “The vague phrase creates an impenetrable shield against follow-up questions – like the energy shield protecting Wakanda using vibranium technology to fend off Thanos and his massive cock, I mean forces. YIBAMBE!!”
The Hawks organization has assured fans that operations will continue smoothly in Heimer's absence, though they declined to elaborate on what "smoothly" means or when he might return. Hawks brass has nominated Assistant GM Schmagel Steinbagel to take over in the interim and left SLN fans with zero other comments. They did leave a great selection of Bagels. Excellent spread.
As the Hawks navigate this very very very vast void left by Heimer's departure, one thing remains crystal clear: the SLN waits for no man, woman, or trans. Whether that man, woman, or trans is out achieving enlightenment at a Tibetan monastery or simply binge-watching every season of Breaking Bad to understand that Tuco Salamanca reference, the league marches forward.
"Personal issues or not, the games don't stop," said SLN Commissioner Ashes. "Teams are still trading, tanking, and talking trash. It's beautiful, really. And I created it all… Muahahaha Muahahaha Muahahaha!!!"
Last edited by Schmagel Steinbagel on October 24th, 2025, 8:12 am, edited 2 times in total.
Welcome to Atlanta where the playas play
And we ride on dem thangs like ev-ery day
Big beats, hit streets, see gangstahs roamin'
And parties don't stop 'til eight in the Monin
And we ride on dem thangs like ev-ery day
Big beats, hit streets, see gangstahs roamin'
And parties don't stop 'til eight in the Monin
Hawks GM Heimer deploys most iron-clad exit strategy known to MANagement
Thoughts and prayers for Heimer. Welcome Schmagel
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