A Steaming Trey of Curry Rice: The 2013 Big Board

[Joe]

A Steaming Trey of Curry Rice: The 2013 Big Board

No, I’m not getting lazy with the Big Board names, I just keep writing these articles before I’ve had second dinner. This one is a bit of a mess outside of the top 4 guys or so – this is definitely not the first time someone has used the adjective “steaming” to describe this draftee group. The definitive worst things of 2013 were, in order: 1) The Boston Marathon tragedy, 2) The NBA Draft class, 3) Justin Bieber fainting at a show in Europe and then having his pet monkey confiscated by German police. Justice for Mally!

1. Giannis Antetokounmpo PF 6'11'' 212 19 B C C+ B C+ A

1 cup Greek yogurt. 6 ounces Freekeh. 3 cups hops. Blend until smooth af. Age it ONLY 19 years. Serve in a cup, dunk multiple SLN chips in it. Well, maybe multiple titles is going a little far. Will he be the best player in the class? Does the pope shit in the woods? I mean…sometimes? Probably yes, but it’s a little uncomfortable. The thing with Giannis is with that horrendous outside rating (and the fact that he can’t go through camps as a SF), you’re going to be forced to play Inside or Balanced to get the most out of him, which is just hard to win with unless you get your grubby little hands on the other 3 or 4 A inside guys in the league.

2. Rudy Gobert C 7'1'' 258 21 C+ C- D- B+ B- A

You know what you’re gonna get from Gobert – rebounds, blocks, and, in all likelihood, COVID-19 (people don’t forget, you big French slob). Ain’t nothing wrong with taking a swing at an elite big butt in 2013 if this is the last of these fellas for a while. As high a floor as you could ask for, and a relatively high ceiling as well. Fortunate for Rudy considering he’s a pretty major risk to bonk his head on the ceiling most places.

3. Victor Oladipo SG 6'3'' 213 21 C+ B- C+ B- C- A

Definitely seeing shades of Rashad McCants here – just like…a lot of shades darker lmao. Big Board Editor in Chief must be asleep at the wheel this year. I originally thought he was going to be listed at PG (he's got Identical ratings to Kemba Walker at draft), but the fact that he's not definitely speaks to his handles perhaps not being quite good enough for the position (at least that's what the Magic discovered in real life). With Manu, Kobe and even Wade perhaps not long for the league, true two way wings with high steals are a lot harder to find than you'd think...so this archetype should find it's way pretty high up draft boards.

4. CJ McCollum SG 6'3'' 190 22 C B B- C C- A

Honestly surprised to see McCollum starting with flat C Inside, considering he can jump a little bit in real life. But hey, beggars can’t be choosers in 2013. His high passing and low handles (already starting at B- as a 2) are cause for concern, though he still be able to manage those a bit in a multi-positional backup role and still cook on offense. If you haven’t seen this picture of CJ playing next to Kosta Koufos as a freshman in high school, you’re welcome.


5. Steven Adams C 6'11'' 265 20 C D C- B B B

Solid big butt ratings all around (“incredible” strength is truly tantalizing), but everyone is buzzing about the beansprout quesadillas the exciting stip this guy’s got. Will it increase the loyalty for players on his team? Will it get guys back from injury sooner? Will Adams finally convince Jamario Moon to stop breaking into the team Pac-Man machines to steal loose quarters? The possibilities are endless.

6. Robert Covington SF 6'7'' 209 23 C+ B- D+ B C+ B

Big fan of Bobby C, who appears to be quite literally good at everything. Good outside, good handles, good stocks (of both flavors! Love that at the 3), good rebounding and physical traits. The only downside is he probably won’t score with a ton of volume, which might not even matter if he’s a defensive monster. Second highest defensive rating in the file after Gobert, so that B is definitely bordering on B+. Could be an Inside scoring supercamp candidate.

7. Nerlens Noel C 6'10'' 220 19 C- C- D B C+ B

Nerlens is a teenager (a rarity in this draft!) and from Massachusetts so he gets an extra bump on my board. Fun story about this guy that Weilheimer and Pankin will remember – every few months he would text “you up” and then subsequently bang this rather large white girl from my Jewish high school, and it would be the absolute talk of the town. He won’t do quite as much scoring in SLN as he did at the New Jewish High School of Greater Boston, but he should still get after than BUTT on the defensive end.

8. Shabazz Muhammad SF 6'6'' 223 21 B- C+ D C C+ A

Would probably be a “one name” type guy if a) he was actually good, b) he didn’t Danny Almonte himself in high school, and c) we didn’t end up (incredibly) with two guys named Shabazz in consecutive drafts. Should probably be a stip around combining the Shabazz twins. Seems like his upside is that of a fourth or fifth starter, but he’s shaped decently well and has some potential. Definitely lots of jumping in that B- Inside…but that matters now?? He’ll play 45 minutes a game!

9. Otto Porter Jr. SF 6'8'' 198 20 C+ B- C C C+ B

Pretty much Bobby Covington without the defense and with a little more scoring juice. Should be a relatively safe bet, as the score-first, play-defense-never wing archetype has had a good amount of success and longevity in the league. Lived in my friend’s building in San Francisco when he played for the Warriors. She confirmed he is “tall,” so no concerns on that front.

10. Seth Curry SG 6'1'' 185 23 C B+ C C C- B

It’s upsetting that I see this guy’s name and my brain just goes “Mama’s making a pubie salad, and I need some Seth’s own dressing.” One of the more underrated lines in the film, IMO. Lil’ Curry (one of my favorite late night Indian joints) should cook much like Michael Redd or JJ Redick, with solid volume on perfect splits with no turnovers, no rebounds, and no steals. Bummer he can’t go to the NDL, as a guy like this would be in the running for league MVP. Still, should find himself a home on a competitive roster.

11. Tim Hardaway Jr. SG 6'5'' 205 21 B B C C- C- B

Was always surprised that he ended up the best player from that dope Michigan team that made the Final in 2012-13 – I thought Nik Stauskas was going to be the next Larry Bird – but Hardaway has had a nice NBA career that should translate to SLN. His offensive notes are solid, and he’s got the second highest inside in the class after Giannis to go along with the second highest outside after Curry (annoyingly won’t be able to go to the NDL unless those ratings dip but that should really be a good thing).

12. Anthony Bennett PF 6'8'' 245 20 B- C C- C B- A

I know Ashes likes to give guys who were sad stories or busts a “second chance” sometimes, but I just think there’s too many things wrong with Bennet’s player foundation to go in the top 10 despite being a profile guy. I mean, the dude reeks of 12 star tank general Antoine Walker – just jacking threes and avoiding stocks like the plague. All that said, he’s got a ton of potential, so he could be the next Kwame Brown success story if he slips out of the lottery.

13. Trey Burke PG 6'0'' 185 21 C+ B- B C D+ B

Pretty much the only other traditionally shaped PG in the top 15 or so worth considering in my book. He’s tiny and will get smoked on the glass, but has quality starting scoring ratings and good handles, which are the two most important things at the position. Unfortunately has a high Handle rating due to his passing so he may end up ineligible for the NDL after his first camp, but he’s top 20 in scouted potential in this draft so he may not need a ton of extra juice if he gets lucky.

14. Michael Carter-Williams PG 6'5'' 190 22 B- C B B C B

OH MCW…kind of a fun player in real life but he really couldn’t be built more in the opposite of the prototypical FBB point guard mold. He’s Livingston with no jumpshot and poor ballhandling…so he’s Rondo with higher turnovers? Good lord. The Rondo/Wall archetype has yet to find its footing in our league, so I’m guessing MCW ends up as a weird utility backup. Still, if he gets super lucky with his PG camps, his Handles could always take a monster jump and he could end up on the correct side of “interesting.”

15. Dewayne Dedmon C 7'0'' 245 24 C B- D+ C+ B B

I did not have Dewayne Dedmon making a Big Board on my bingo card, but here we are in 2013. His notes are quite spicy – enough to make me go check his basketball reference – and Ashes was right on the money as usual. Should have weirdly competent outside game to go along with a solid stock base and the second highest Rebounding in the file. Weirdly competent offense might not be a good thing in the end if he ends up shooting a little too much on poor splits, but his big butt attributes should make him playable regardless.

[Jordo]

A++++ Superbad reference

[mantypas/CavsCzar]

I need to unite Kosta Koufos and Giannis as part of my greek national team. Ashes I am Greek, hook a brother up lol

[jwoo]

I need to unite Kosta Koufos and Giannis as part of my greek national team. Ashes I am Greek, hook a brother up lol

Oh yeah? Well I’m Greek and also Nigerian

[Joe]

A++++ Superbad reference

I’m waiting for someone to find the Grandmas Boy reference…Jonah hills grandmas boy character walked so his Superbad character could run

[heimer]

do you have bathrooms here or do we have to shit in a plant?

[heimer]

stupid fucking idiot! red shirted ass! go choke on some cow dicks! what a fucking movie

[heimer]

drive monkey drive !!

[nolan]

Giannis is a bust! Send him to Houston so we can fire him back to the planet he came from!!

[Jordo]

Drive monkey drive was the hardest i had ever laughed at a movie up until that point in my life