Ashes Goes West [SWAMPSTORYZ VOL. 13]
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SWAMP STEVEN
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Ashes Goes West [SWAMPSTORYZ VOL. 13]
Ashes Goes West [SWAMPSTORYZ VOL. 13]
Starring Henry Fonda as ASHES
Directed by Jeans Autry
Executive Producers: Jalen Pitre for Pee Tree TV; A Simulated Maloof Brother for money laundering; Claire Penis for SwampMedia
I.
WE’RE BY THE RAIL YARD CROSSING, UNDER A TWINKLING NIGHT SKY. SIMULATED JEFF MCINNIS, WHO HAS A WYATT EARP MUSTACHE, SIPS A BLOODY MARY & MALT LIQUOR MIX OUT OF HIS LEATHER SOMBRERO
MCINNIS: What’re ya lookin’ at? It’s called a 10 gallon hat for a reason, fellers. But I ain’t here to convince some city slickin’ yanks to drink from an old man’s dusty headdress. Unless, eh?? Ehhhhhh????
QUADY, PLAYED BY LEE VAN QUEEF, BOWS HIS HEAD AND GARGLES FROM THE OLD MAN’S HAT
MCINNIS: Atta boy. As I was sayin’, I’m here to tell y’all ‘bout a mighty brave feller I came to know long ago. Some folks called him “The Sim God,” but them people must’ve been from outta town — ain’t no God ‘round these here parts. Depending on the day of the week and the name of the dame, ya may hear him referred to as “The Heartbreak Kid,” “The Dark Ranger,” or “that guy who double parks his horse at trivia night.” Me, well, I call ‘em Ashes — forged in the fires of fate, that ash gray tone separatin’ the light from the darkness. Bound only by timespace, cosmic entropy, and his daughter’s naptime schedule. Ya see, when I look to the sky, I see evolvin’ war portraiture of the righteous vs. the wayward souls. Also, a big spoon sometimes. Yeah, I reckon it’s a mighty dark night up there, but occasionally, if a man focuses with all he’s got and surrenders to that which cannot be known…he can squint and make the big spoon look like a weiner. Aw, why am I tellin’ y’all? I could be showin’ y’all! Both Ashes AND the sky weiner. Giddyuppppp now.
II.
WE”RE IN A STILL AND ARID RANCHER TOWN SQUARE. ASHES DISMOUNTS HIS TWO MUSTANGS, NAMED BASKETBALL AND NIRVANA. THAT’S RIGHT, HE RIDES ON THE TWO HORSES LIKE WATERSKIING, IT’S SO BADASS. ASHES STROLLS INTO A SPARSELY OCCUPIED SALOON. HE’S GREETED BY JAYANT THE BARKEEP, PLAYED BY AVU CHATURVEDI
BARKEEP JAYANT: Well, well, I’ll be. Ashes! Didn’t think I’d be seeing you again.
ASHES: Hmm. The usual, I reckon.
BARKEEP JAYANT: Nothing usual happening these days. That gang keeps comin’ on ‘round. They’re askin’ about you, Ashes. They’re offerin’ a bounty for your whereabouts. Ya really shouldn’t be here.
ASHES: I shouldn’t be anywhere, then. Funny thing about simulating for a living — you learn to consider that which doesn’t happen, along with all that does.
BARKEEP JAYANT: Those fellers say you made everything different. Eddy Curry is a world champion and perennial All-Star. Steve Francis had a dignified late-career arc. The Knicks are a competent and forward-thinking franchise. Lotta folks reckon you’ve screwed things up. I heard they’ll give anything to return to normal.
ASHES: “Normal.” Mighty funny word, ain’t it? I’m not intentionally altering anything. But the world does need a resimulation — to get creative and impulsive; to warp our imaginations and expand our centers of gravity; to give some stories a chance at redemption, even forgiveness.
A MOSSBERG SHOTGUN CLICKS LOADED
BARKEEP JAYANT: Then you’ll learn to forgive me?
ASHES: I should’ve known.
JAYANT: I’ve got two kids, boss. Business ain’t what it used to be, and this new crew in town is offering top dollar for your return — dead or alive.
ASHES: Trade in.
JAYANT: …huh?
ASHES ROUNDHOUSE KICKS THE BARKEEP ON HIS CHIN, CATCHING THE SHOTGUN AND FULLY INCAPACITATING HIS OPPONENT
ASHES: Need IR.
ASHES BLASTS AWAY THE BARKEEP
ASHES: Done.
A CROWD OF TOWNSPEOPLE HEAR THE COMMOTION AND AMBLE TOWARD THE SALOON. BOBBY, PLAYED BY PEGORY GRECK, IS SNIFFING THE DIRT ROAD. JORDO, PLAYED BY STEWART JAMES, IS WEARING ACTUAL SPURS ORNAMENTALLY FROM HEAD TO TOE, KINDA LIKE TEEZO TOUCHDOWN BUT DIFFERENT. HE’S ADJACENT TO A GRINNING PANKIN, PLAYED BY EDDIE MURPHY [WE KNOW, WE KNOW, AUDIE MURPHY WAS THE CASTING, SOMEONE SCREWED UP BIG TIME, EDDIE MURPHY HAS SO MANY SPECIFIC CEREAL DEMANDS IN HIS RIDER, GOD DAMMIT THIS SUCKS]
JORDO, TOSSING HARD CANDIES INTO THE CROWD: For he’s a jolly good rancher, for he’s a jolly good rancher!
PANKIN, IN THE RED LEATHER SUIT FROM RAW: Insane that they never made Jolly Rancher cereal. Someone get my agent on with General Mills.
BOBBY: Three cheers for our valiant hero. We sure need you around here, Ashes!
ASHES: Let’s get something straight: I’m no hero. But I have indeed come to accept that this place needs me. Even when it’s hard — this place needs me.
ENSEMBLE: Damn right, mmmhmmm.
ASHES: Even if my faithful wife or newborn daughter beckon.
ENSEMBLE: Definitely, yup.
ASHES: Even if my job makes me reapply out of sheer greed and unmitigated malevolence.
ENSEMBLE: Not even a question, give yourself to us, etc.
ASHES: Hell, even if it costs me my life—
JORDO: Yup, we get it, sim please!
ASHES LOOKS AROUND AT THE TOWNSPEOPLE. NOLAN, PLAYED BY CLINTORIS “CLINT” EASTWOOD, BLOWS A SNOT ROCKET TOWARD A HERD OF CATTLE. MATT, PLAYED BY GLENN HONDA, HAS THAT LOOK IN HIS EYE WHERE IT’S FOR SURE HIS YEAR THIS TIME. RALPH, PLAYED BY ACTION “CHARLIE” BRONSON [DON’T GET US STARTED, SO MANY PEOPLE ARE GETTING FIRED] IS WEARING A CAPE, WHICH DOESN’T EXACTLY ADHERE TO THE THEME BUT STILL FEELS LIKE HE’S PUTTING SOME EFFORT IN. WESTON, PLAYED BY VERA MILES, KEEPS INTERJECTING WITH “THIS TOWN AIN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US,” IN DIFFERENT ACCENTS, AS IF ANY OF THOSE CUTS WOULD MAKE FINAL. I MEAN, YEAH, HONESTLY, THE DR. EVIL IMPRESSION WAS KINDA CHARMING, WE CAN KEEP THAT ONE.
ASHES: Look. Loyalty is fine for winning a war, but it’s cheap material for building a better tomorrow. I’m in the business of purpose. Do you know why I persist in re-simulating basketball history?
NOLAN: Because of the gold standard?
ASHES: No.
NOLAN: Finna spin the block for William Jennings Bryan, on Crip.
PANKIN: Because someone needs to monochromatically sort my hot tubs full of Froot Loops?
ASHES: It’s because maybe — just maybe — we got something wrong the first time around. Don’t we owe it to ourselves to find out?
III.
ASHES RIDES DEEPER INTO THE CANYON, KNOWING THE OUTLAWS ARE HOT ON HIS TAILS. PLURAL, TWO HORSES, REMEMBER? WHY DID HE LEAVE THE HOT WATER BOTTLE ON NIRVANA’S HUGE BUTT??? DO HORSES NEED BUTTS, ANYWAY? WHY IS BASKETBALL BANGING COCONUTS TOGETHER LIKE IN MONTY PYTHON? THE BIT THERE IS THEY DON’T HAVE A HORSE, AND HE’S AN ACTUAL HORSE…RIGHT??? WHY HAVE WE NEVER SEEN PICTURES OF BASKETBALL AS A COLT?
ASHES: I may answer to no one, but I bring my question to everyone. From the O6 to that weird lurker on the old Pro Boards, I must get out of dodge and keep the sim going.
A CASCADE OF GUNFIRE ERUPTS, AS MASKED INVADERS CUT ASHES OFF ON HORSEBACK AND HORSEFRONT. MERV, PLAYED BY FORMER PRESIDENT WARREN G HARDING IN AN EFFORT TO REESTABLISH HIMSELF AFTER THE TEAPOT DOME SCANDAL, APPROACHES WITH FOUR PISTOLS IN ONE HAND AND AN UNO DRAW 4 CARD IN THE OTHER.
MERV: I’ll be, if this isn’t the frenzy of a lifetime.
FLANKING HIS RIGHT IS JEREMY, PLAYED BY ROBERT DUVALL IN A LIL PAGEANT SASH THAT SAYS “MRS. ANTONIO DANIELS.”
JERE: Ashes…ONLINE.
ASHES: What do you two want?
JERE: We pledge our gunpowder to the protector of this simulated realm.
MERV: We really fancy the game, and we want it to keep happening. I appreciated my college D&D Gamemaster so much that I paid the rest of his mortgage.
JERE: Where the fuck did you get that kinda money?
MERV: I got to the Old Western sim-within-the-sim a bit early to get acclimated. Turns out, people are obsessed with gold.
JERE: That’s not a “turns out,” bro, everyone knows that gold is good.
ASHES: Enough. This is nothing like Dungeons and Dragons. There may be Swamp Dragons, and “TONGER” really does sound a lot like a Curse of Strahd playable. Actually…look, I’ll need all the help I can get to make it out intact.
JERE: We need to keep riding, long enough that it doesn’t feel unearned to introduce new action but not too long that we get bored of this.
ASHES AND HIS BAND RIDE ONWARD, MONTAGED BY OLD WESTERN VERSIONS OF SONGS FROM THE SIM ERA (1996-PRESENT, WHICH IS 2015). “FLY” BY SUGAR RAY IN THE STYLE OF JOHNNY CASH. “RIGHT THURR” AS WOODY GUTHRIE WOULD DO IT. EVENTUALLY, THE MEN STOP FOR REST AT AN APOTHECARY, OPERATED BY KIPKE (DOLLY SHARTIN).
ASHES: Anything to aid us on our travels?
APOTHECARY KIPKE, UNCORKING A LARGE TUBE: I call this the “supercamp.” It’ll run ya 3200, but I’ve yet to serve an unsatisfied customer. Pop one of these and y’all can ride out at dawn.
THE CREW TAKES THE MEDICINE AND FEELS REJUVENATED. KIPKE AGREES TO SHELTER THE GROUP OVERNIGHT.
ASHES: We could continue to run, but evil is seldom outpaced. Boys, send two scrolls out for overnight relay. Jere, take a rallying call to the townspeople, bring ‘em on ‘round to us with all the weaponry they can carry. Merv, all points bulletin for my location. I want whoever this is to face me once and for all. They’ll expect me to be alone. Not cuz I don’t get b-words like that, but because I’m secure with myself and aloof in a way most people find attractive.
KIPKE: You’re an awfully brave man, Mr. Ashes.
ASHES: Hopefully, [winking] double sim tomorrow.
IV.
DAWN. ASHES IS NOW 29 PEOPLE DEEP. ALL THE CHARACTERS ARE HERE, PLUS A FEW NEW ONES. NAV, PLAYED BY STERLING ARCHER, ARRIVES WITH RIFLES FOR THE COMBAT AND INTRO ICEBREAKERS FOR THE BREAKOUT GROUPS. JOE, PLAYED BY VINCENT CHASE, IS FLOSSING WITH A STICK OF DYNAMITE. HEIMER, PLAYED BY TYLER FROM THE SLN, PRACTICES DARK MAGIC UNDER HIS BREATH. DEREK AND JESSE, PLAYED BY MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY SPECIFICALLY FROM HOW THE WEST WAS FUN (1994), GLANCE ACROSS THE HORIZON WITH BINOCULARS.
PANKIN: Remember Oreo Os? Can’t believe they got away with that one.
ASHES: Quiet! Do you hear that?
MANTYPAS, PLAYED BY VINCENT CHASE WITH A BEARD AND AGING MAKEUP, LETS OUT A WHISTLE FROM HIS POST. A CAVALRY OF RIDERS APPROACH.
ASHES: Just what I suspected. The underachievers.
UPON APPROACHING, THE GROUP IS REVEALED TO BE ALL THE SLN PLAYERS WHO HAD A BAD SIM
ASHES: Derrick Favors. Danilo Gallinari. Most of Amar’e Stoudemire and Rajon Rondo. Ringless Kobe!
JORDO: I hope you have a plan, Ashes. They might have us outnumbered.
ASHES, TO THE ENEMY FRONT LINE: Look. I understand why y’all have it out for me. In real life as we know it, you gentlemen enjoyed success beyond your wildest dreams. You’re right in wondering why Dahntay Jones, Rudy Fernandez and Kwame Brown get a second shot at your expense? But here’s the thing: real life fucking sucks, dudes.
THE THING THAT HAPPENS AT THE END OF MOST MOVIES – WHEN THE HERO IS GIVING A ROUSING FINAL SPEECH AND THE CAMERA PANS TO ALL THE DIFFERENT CHARACTERS SILENTLY NODDING ALONG OR WHATEVER – THAT’S HAPPENING NOW. PICTURE THAT AS YOU READ THIS PLEASE.
ASHES: Real life is Microsoft Teams meetings, and Slack Huddles before the Teams meetings to hammer out agenda and presentation flow. Real life is the news – unbearably sad and impossibly cruel. Real life is every decent 90s or 2000s show being brought back as a super mid limited series on streaming. Real life is Imagine Dragons and Post Malone, Sabrina Carpenter being a heartthrob and Drake doing “Hey There Delilah” in thick patois. What we have here is Basketball Nirvana.
BOTH HORSES GET UP AND FUSE INTO ONE MEGA-HORSE. MEGA-HORSES HAVE ROCKET LAUNCHERS, IN CASE YOU FORGOT, THAT WILL COME UP REAL SOON
ASHES: This sim thing is so much more. It allows our imaginations to swell and our ambitions to uncoil. It has grown men texting each other with the fervor of a thousand marriages. Have you seen what Steven from the Nets is doing? Borderline insane! The SLN is everything that real life could never be. And that’s why it is here to stay.
ENSEMBLE CHEERS
SIMULATED DANILO GALLINARI, WHO HAS THREE MUSTACHES THIS TIME: Oh yeah? And what if we reckon otherwise?
ASHES: You have five seconds to be under the death cap or over the not death cap.
THE MEGA-HORSE BASKETBALL NIRVANA UNLEASHES ITS ROCKET LAUNCHERS
ASHES: This is your one and only notice.
V.
MCINNIS: Now ain’t that quite a tale? Our hero ‘round these parts, both for daring to dream a lil’ bigger and for saving the game with the mega-horse rocket launchers. Ashes, keep riding into the unreal. Lord knows they’ll try to stop ya. But nothing can stop a real Sim Cowboy. Unless all the DCs are not in. Jeremy, text the Hornets for us. Yeeeeeeeehaw.
Starring Henry Fonda as ASHES
Directed by Jeans Autry
Executive Producers: Jalen Pitre for Pee Tree TV; A Simulated Maloof Brother for money laundering; Claire Penis for SwampMedia
- SWAMPMEDIA PRESENTS.png (994.13 KiB) Viewed 177 times
I.
WE’RE BY THE RAIL YARD CROSSING, UNDER A TWINKLING NIGHT SKY. SIMULATED JEFF MCINNIS, WHO HAS A WYATT EARP MUSTACHE, SIPS A BLOODY MARY & MALT LIQUOR MIX OUT OF HIS LEATHER SOMBRERO
MCINNIS: What’re ya lookin’ at? It’s called a 10 gallon hat for a reason, fellers. But I ain’t here to convince some city slickin’ yanks to drink from an old man’s dusty headdress. Unless, eh?? Ehhhhhh????
QUADY, PLAYED BY LEE VAN QUEEF, BOWS HIS HEAD AND GARGLES FROM THE OLD MAN’S HAT
MCINNIS: Atta boy. As I was sayin’, I’m here to tell y’all ‘bout a mighty brave feller I came to know long ago. Some folks called him “The Sim God,” but them people must’ve been from outta town — ain’t no God ‘round these here parts. Depending on the day of the week and the name of the dame, ya may hear him referred to as “The Heartbreak Kid,” “The Dark Ranger,” or “that guy who double parks his horse at trivia night.” Me, well, I call ‘em Ashes — forged in the fires of fate, that ash gray tone separatin’ the light from the darkness. Bound only by timespace, cosmic entropy, and his daughter’s naptime schedule. Ya see, when I look to the sky, I see evolvin’ war portraiture of the righteous vs. the wayward souls. Also, a big spoon sometimes. Yeah, I reckon it’s a mighty dark night up there, but occasionally, if a man focuses with all he’s got and surrenders to that which cannot be known…he can squint and make the big spoon look like a weiner. Aw, why am I tellin’ y’all? I could be showin’ y’all! Both Ashes AND the sky weiner. Giddyuppppp now.
II.
WE”RE IN A STILL AND ARID RANCHER TOWN SQUARE. ASHES DISMOUNTS HIS TWO MUSTANGS, NAMED BASKETBALL AND NIRVANA. THAT’S RIGHT, HE RIDES ON THE TWO HORSES LIKE WATERSKIING, IT’S SO BADASS. ASHES STROLLS INTO A SPARSELY OCCUPIED SALOON. HE’S GREETED BY JAYANT THE BARKEEP, PLAYED BY AVU CHATURVEDI
BARKEEP JAYANT: Well, well, I’ll be. Ashes! Didn’t think I’d be seeing you again.
ASHES: Hmm. The usual, I reckon.
BARKEEP JAYANT: Nothing usual happening these days. That gang keeps comin’ on ‘round. They’re askin’ about you, Ashes. They’re offerin’ a bounty for your whereabouts. Ya really shouldn’t be here.
ASHES: I shouldn’t be anywhere, then. Funny thing about simulating for a living — you learn to consider that which doesn’t happen, along with all that does.
BARKEEP JAYANT: Those fellers say you made everything different. Eddy Curry is a world champion and perennial All-Star. Steve Francis had a dignified late-career arc. The Knicks are a competent and forward-thinking franchise. Lotta folks reckon you’ve screwed things up. I heard they’ll give anything to return to normal.
ASHES: “Normal.” Mighty funny word, ain’t it? I’m not intentionally altering anything. But the world does need a resimulation — to get creative and impulsive; to warp our imaginations and expand our centers of gravity; to give some stories a chance at redemption, even forgiveness.
A MOSSBERG SHOTGUN CLICKS LOADED
BARKEEP JAYANT: Then you’ll learn to forgive me?
ASHES: I should’ve known.
JAYANT: I’ve got two kids, boss. Business ain’t what it used to be, and this new crew in town is offering top dollar for your return — dead or alive.
ASHES: Trade in.
JAYANT: …huh?
ASHES ROUNDHOUSE KICKS THE BARKEEP ON HIS CHIN, CATCHING THE SHOTGUN AND FULLY INCAPACITATING HIS OPPONENT
ASHES: Need IR.
ASHES BLASTS AWAY THE BARKEEP
ASHES: Done.
A CROWD OF TOWNSPEOPLE HEAR THE COMMOTION AND AMBLE TOWARD THE SALOON. BOBBY, PLAYED BY PEGORY GRECK, IS SNIFFING THE DIRT ROAD. JORDO, PLAYED BY STEWART JAMES, IS WEARING ACTUAL SPURS ORNAMENTALLY FROM HEAD TO TOE, KINDA LIKE TEEZO TOUCHDOWN BUT DIFFERENT. HE’S ADJACENT TO A GRINNING PANKIN, PLAYED BY EDDIE MURPHY [WE KNOW, WE KNOW, AUDIE MURPHY WAS THE CASTING, SOMEONE SCREWED UP BIG TIME, EDDIE MURPHY HAS SO MANY SPECIFIC CEREAL DEMANDS IN HIS RIDER, GOD DAMMIT THIS SUCKS]
JORDO, TOSSING HARD CANDIES INTO THE CROWD: For he’s a jolly good rancher, for he’s a jolly good rancher!
PANKIN, IN THE RED LEATHER SUIT FROM RAW: Insane that they never made Jolly Rancher cereal. Someone get my agent on with General Mills.
BOBBY: Three cheers for our valiant hero. We sure need you around here, Ashes!
ASHES: Let’s get something straight: I’m no hero. But I have indeed come to accept that this place needs me. Even when it’s hard — this place needs me.
ENSEMBLE: Damn right, mmmhmmm.
ASHES: Even if my faithful wife or newborn daughter beckon.
ENSEMBLE: Definitely, yup.
ASHES: Even if my job makes me reapply out of sheer greed and unmitigated malevolence.
ENSEMBLE: Not even a question, give yourself to us, etc.
ASHES: Hell, even if it costs me my life—
JORDO: Yup, we get it, sim please!
ASHES LOOKS AROUND AT THE TOWNSPEOPLE. NOLAN, PLAYED BY CLINTORIS “CLINT” EASTWOOD, BLOWS A SNOT ROCKET TOWARD A HERD OF CATTLE. MATT, PLAYED BY GLENN HONDA, HAS THAT LOOK IN HIS EYE WHERE IT’S FOR SURE HIS YEAR THIS TIME. RALPH, PLAYED BY ACTION “CHARLIE” BRONSON [DON’T GET US STARTED, SO MANY PEOPLE ARE GETTING FIRED] IS WEARING A CAPE, WHICH DOESN’T EXACTLY ADHERE TO THE THEME BUT STILL FEELS LIKE HE’S PUTTING SOME EFFORT IN. WESTON, PLAYED BY VERA MILES, KEEPS INTERJECTING WITH “THIS TOWN AIN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US,” IN DIFFERENT ACCENTS, AS IF ANY OF THOSE CUTS WOULD MAKE FINAL. I MEAN, YEAH, HONESTLY, THE DR. EVIL IMPRESSION WAS KINDA CHARMING, WE CAN KEEP THAT ONE.
ASHES: Look. Loyalty is fine for winning a war, but it’s cheap material for building a better tomorrow. I’m in the business of purpose. Do you know why I persist in re-simulating basketball history?
NOLAN: Because of the gold standard?
ASHES: No.
NOLAN: Finna spin the block for William Jennings Bryan, on Crip.
PANKIN: Because someone needs to monochromatically sort my hot tubs full of Froot Loops?
ASHES: It’s because maybe — just maybe — we got something wrong the first time around. Don’t we owe it to ourselves to find out?
III.
ASHES RIDES DEEPER INTO THE CANYON, KNOWING THE OUTLAWS ARE HOT ON HIS TAILS. PLURAL, TWO HORSES, REMEMBER? WHY DID HE LEAVE THE HOT WATER BOTTLE ON NIRVANA’S HUGE BUTT??? DO HORSES NEED BUTTS, ANYWAY? WHY IS BASKETBALL BANGING COCONUTS TOGETHER LIKE IN MONTY PYTHON? THE BIT THERE IS THEY DON’T HAVE A HORSE, AND HE’S AN ACTUAL HORSE…RIGHT??? WHY HAVE WE NEVER SEEN PICTURES OF BASKETBALL AS A COLT?
ASHES: I may answer to no one, but I bring my question to everyone. From the O6 to that weird lurker on the old Pro Boards, I must get out of dodge and keep the sim going.
A CASCADE OF GUNFIRE ERUPTS, AS MASKED INVADERS CUT ASHES OFF ON HORSEBACK AND HORSEFRONT. MERV, PLAYED BY FORMER PRESIDENT WARREN G HARDING IN AN EFFORT TO REESTABLISH HIMSELF AFTER THE TEAPOT DOME SCANDAL, APPROACHES WITH FOUR PISTOLS IN ONE HAND AND AN UNO DRAW 4 CARD IN THE OTHER.
MERV: I’ll be, if this isn’t the frenzy of a lifetime.
FLANKING HIS RIGHT IS JEREMY, PLAYED BY ROBERT DUVALL IN A LIL PAGEANT SASH THAT SAYS “MRS. ANTONIO DANIELS.”
JERE: Ashes…ONLINE.
ASHES: What do you two want?
JERE: We pledge our gunpowder to the protector of this simulated realm.
MERV: We really fancy the game, and we want it to keep happening. I appreciated my college D&D Gamemaster so much that I paid the rest of his mortgage.
JERE: Where the fuck did you get that kinda money?
MERV: I got to the Old Western sim-within-the-sim a bit early to get acclimated. Turns out, people are obsessed with gold.
JERE: That’s not a “turns out,” bro, everyone knows that gold is good.
ASHES: Enough. This is nothing like Dungeons and Dragons. There may be Swamp Dragons, and “TONGER” really does sound a lot like a Curse of Strahd playable. Actually…look, I’ll need all the help I can get to make it out intact.
JERE: We need to keep riding, long enough that it doesn’t feel unearned to introduce new action but not too long that we get bored of this.
ASHES AND HIS BAND RIDE ONWARD, MONTAGED BY OLD WESTERN VERSIONS OF SONGS FROM THE SIM ERA (1996-PRESENT, WHICH IS 2015). “FLY” BY SUGAR RAY IN THE STYLE OF JOHNNY CASH. “RIGHT THURR” AS WOODY GUTHRIE WOULD DO IT. EVENTUALLY, THE MEN STOP FOR REST AT AN APOTHECARY, OPERATED BY KIPKE (DOLLY SHARTIN).
ASHES: Anything to aid us on our travels?
APOTHECARY KIPKE, UNCORKING A LARGE TUBE: I call this the “supercamp.” It’ll run ya 3200, but I’ve yet to serve an unsatisfied customer. Pop one of these and y’all can ride out at dawn.
THE CREW TAKES THE MEDICINE AND FEELS REJUVENATED. KIPKE AGREES TO SHELTER THE GROUP OVERNIGHT.
ASHES: We could continue to run, but evil is seldom outpaced. Boys, send two scrolls out for overnight relay. Jere, take a rallying call to the townspeople, bring ‘em on ‘round to us with all the weaponry they can carry. Merv, all points bulletin for my location. I want whoever this is to face me once and for all. They’ll expect me to be alone. Not cuz I don’t get b-words like that, but because I’m secure with myself and aloof in a way most people find attractive.
KIPKE: You’re an awfully brave man, Mr. Ashes.
ASHES: Hopefully, [winking] double sim tomorrow.
IV.
DAWN. ASHES IS NOW 29 PEOPLE DEEP. ALL THE CHARACTERS ARE HERE, PLUS A FEW NEW ONES. NAV, PLAYED BY STERLING ARCHER, ARRIVES WITH RIFLES FOR THE COMBAT AND INTRO ICEBREAKERS FOR THE BREAKOUT GROUPS. JOE, PLAYED BY VINCENT CHASE, IS FLOSSING WITH A STICK OF DYNAMITE. HEIMER, PLAYED BY TYLER FROM THE SLN, PRACTICES DARK MAGIC UNDER HIS BREATH. DEREK AND JESSE, PLAYED BY MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY SPECIFICALLY FROM HOW THE WEST WAS FUN (1994), GLANCE ACROSS THE HORIZON WITH BINOCULARS.
PANKIN: Remember Oreo Os? Can’t believe they got away with that one.
ASHES: Quiet! Do you hear that?
MANTYPAS, PLAYED BY VINCENT CHASE WITH A BEARD AND AGING MAKEUP, LETS OUT A WHISTLE FROM HIS POST. A CAVALRY OF RIDERS APPROACH.
ASHES: Just what I suspected. The underachievers.
UPON APPROACHING, THE GROUP IS REVEALED TO BE ALL THE SLN PLAYERS WHO HAD A BAD SIM
ASHES: Derrick Favors. Danilo Gallinari. Most of Amar’e Stoudemire and Rajon Rondo. Ringless Kobe!
JORDO: I hope you have a plan, Ashes. They might have us outnumbered.
ASHES, TO THE ENEMY FRONT LINE: Look. I understand why y’all have it out for me. In real life as we know it, you gentlemen enjoyed success beyond your wildest dreams. You’re right in wondering why Dahntay Jones, Rudy Fernandez and Kwame Brown get a second shot at your expense? But here’s the thing: real life fucking sucks, dudes.
THE THING THAT HAPPENS AT THE END OF MOST MOVIES – WHEN THE HERO IS GIVING A ROUSING FINAL SPEECH AND THE CAMERA PANS TO ALL THE DIFFERENT CHARACTERS SILENTLY NODDING ALONG OR WHATEVER – THAT’S HAPPENING NOW. PICTURE THAT AS YOU READ THIS PLEASE.
ASHES: Real life is Microsoft Teams meetings, and Slack Huddles before the Teams meetings to hammer out agenda and presentation flow. Real life is the news – unbearably sad and impossibly cruel. Real life is every decent 90s or 2000s show being brought back as a super mid limited series on streaming. Real life is Imagine Dragons and Post Malone, Sabrina Carpenter being a heartthrob and Drake doing “Hey There Delilah” in thick patois. What we have here is Basketball Nirvana.
BOTH HORSES GET UP AND FUSE INTO ONE MEGA-HORSE. MEGA-HORSES HAVE ROCKET LAUNCHERS, IN CASE YOU FORGOT, THAT WILL COME UP REAL SOON
ASHES: This sim thing is so much more. It allows our imaginations to swell and our ambitions to uncoil. It has grown men texting each other with the fervor of a thousand marriages. Have you seen what Steven from the Nets is doing? Borderline insane! The SLN is everything that real life could never be. And that’s why it is here to stay.
ENSEMBLE CHEERS
SIMULATED DANILO GALLINARI, WHO HAS THREE MUSTACHES THIS TIME: Oh yeah? And what if we reckon otherwise?
ASHES: You have five seconds to be under the death cap or over the not death cap.
THE MEGA-HORSE BASKETBALL NIRVANA UNLEASHES ITS ROCKET LAUNCHERS
ASHES: This is your one and only notice.
V.
MCINNIS: Now ain’t that quite a tale? Our hero ‘round these parts, both for daring to dream a lil’ bigger and for saving the game with the mega-horse rocket launchers. Ashes, keep riding into the unreal. Lord knows they’ll try to stop ya. But nothing can stop a real Sim Cowboy. Unless all the DCs are not in. Jeremy, text the Hornets for us. Yeeeeeeeehaw.
Last edited by SWAMP STEVEN on June 17th, 2024, 8:26 pm, edited 3 times in total.
*DJ DRAMA VOICE* OH YOU HEARD THE RUMORS [GANGSTA GRIZZILLZ] IT’S A MOTHERFUCKIN SWAMPSTORY!
*lighter flick* Never talk to the cops I don’t speak piglatin / I turned the Nets into the motherfuckin Swamp Dragons
*lighter flick* Never talk to the cops I don’t speak piglatin / I turned the Nets into the motherfuckin Swamp Dragons
ASHES: I shouldn’t be anywhere, then. Funny thing about simulating for a living — you learn to consider that which doesn’t happen, along with all that does.
I’m literally cackling on my couch
I’m literally cackling on my couch
“FLY” BY SUGAR RAY IN THE STYLE OF JOHNNY CASH. “RIGHT THURR” AS WOODY GUTHRIE WOULD DO IT.
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SWAMP STEVEN
- General Manager
- Posts: 511
- Joined: January 5th, 2024, 2:11 pm
*DJ DRAMA VOICE* OH YOU HEARD THE RUMORS [GANGSTA GRIZZILLZ] IT’S A MOTHERFUCKIN SWAMPSTORY!
*lighter flick* Never talk to the cops I don’t speak piglatin / I turned the Nets into the motherfuckin Swamp Dragons
*lighter flick* Never talk to the cops I don’t speak piglatin / I turned the Nets into the motherfuckin Swamp Dragons
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SWAMP STEVEN
- General Manager
- Posts: 511
- Joined: January 5th, 2024, 2:11 pm
*DJ DRAMA VOICE* OH YOU HEARD THE RUMORS [GANGSTA GRIZZILLZ] IT’S A MOTHERFUCKIN SWAMPSTORY!
*lighter flick* Never talk to the cops I don’t speak piglatin / I turned the Nets into the motherfuckin Swamp Dragons
*lighter flick* Never talk to the cops I don’t speak piglatin / I turned the Nets into the motherfuckin Swamp Dragons
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SWAMP STEVEN
- General Manager
- Posts: 511
- Joined: January 5th, 2024, 2:11 pm
*DJ DRAMA VOICE* OH YOU HEARD THE RUMORS [GANGSTA GRIZZILLZ] IT’S A MOTHERFUCKIN SWAMPSTORY!
*lighter flick* Never talk to the cops I don’t speak piglatin / I turned the Nets into the motherfuckin Swamp Dragons
*lighter flick* Never talk to the cops I don’t speak piglatin / I turned the Nets into the motherfuckin Swamp Dragons
This is hands down the funniest and best thing I've read on SLN. If this isn't 1k+ RP pre bonus, I demand a full scale inquiry! More content like this!!!!
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