Tyler the Sun Pimp Hero Champion in…Get Sim or Die Trying [SWAMPSTORYZ VOL. 14]

[SWAMP STEVEN]

By Steven “The Soul of Tony Yayo is Trapped Inside Me, Free Me From This Wretched Imprecation” Tsai

The Reaper is indiscriminate in its brutality. It gets what it wants — randomized, entropic cruelty that rips across everything we know. It’s life’s great equalizer, as well as its perpetual exponent. But every once in a while, The Reaper is defied. To paraphrase a great fictional American theorist, The Reaper is a liar, sometimes. It happened with 50 Cent, whose molliwhopping of the Angel of Death made him an instant icon. It happened with Harry Potter, whose real government name is Harold Katzenberg, I just think people should know. And it’s happening again, in real time, with the badass incarnate Tyler Stormchaser.

When death beckoned, Tyler unbeckoned. When death said “take it back now y’all,” Tyler said “cha cha real smooth.” Collective strength requires a public face or totem of some sort, so consider Tyler one of those super strong Muscle Beach dudes, like Larry the Lobster or Simulated Eddie Griffin or that buff corgi from the meme. What follows is an incomplete catalogue of Tyler’s valiance. May we all find the strength we need here, and then start a car battery with our bare hands like Kevin Gates swore he did, on his children’s lives. Are those kids ok? Did anyone follow up there? Let’s get it —

- Tyler once beat Chuck Norris in mancala, so thoroughly that he was declared legally dead for 17 minutes

- Tyler’s rugged handsomeness and broad chest were the inspiration for Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid. In lieu of traditional direct deposit, he asked for his SAG payment in small bills, then took it to a children’s hospital and made balloon animal origami with the cash

- Tyler went into South Central, posted up on 83rd and got Monster Kody with one of those snake-in-the-can prank things. Audacious enough, but then he doubled down with the “got your nose” bit

- Tyler once broke up with a woman so infatuated with him that she spontaneously flew into Lake Jacomo. That woman, Claire McCaskill, cites the moment as her principle motivation to reach the U.S. Senate

- Speaking of that, Tyler has been a successful write-in candidate for Senate in six different states. He’s declined every time, which only makes his would-be constituents more obsessed with him

- Tyler invented the blue flavor of all commercial snacks, after attending a garden luncheon, telling a charming story near a raspberry patch and summarily altering the fruit’s physical properties

- Tyler shot Moonrise Kingdom. Incredible cinematography

- Tyler shot a 26 on the front nine at Carnoustie Links

- Tyler shot someone…or so we thought! Turns out, the world’s largest and most autonomic human piñata decided to stroll through the mall for a cinnamon pretzel twist, much to the terror of the youthful patrons. BANG! Every flavor of Starburst came out — orange, yellow, red, shoulders knees and toes (KNEES AND TOES!?)

- Several of Tyler’s Reddit posts have been translated and republished across the globe. A mere reply to a long thread on AITA has been adapted as a screenplay and sold to Lionsgate

- GQ’s annual readership poll voted Tyler as four different superlatives, leading the magazine to declare him as simply “MOST”

Hear it from his teammates!

“Tyler once gave me a ride home from the training facility. I naturally assumed he would be driving me — nah, this dude did a Final Fantasy summoner’s pose, sprouted colossal winglike structures and FLEW ME HOME. Free WiFi too. I can’t emphasize how sick this was” - Jeremy Lin

“I played all 82 games this year, yet tore my Achilles in January???? Uh yeah, that happened. Tyler came in the morning after my injury wearing a leather jacket, and looked so naturally cool that I felt my body heal instantaneously” - Darko Milicic

“Since listening to Tyler’s workout tape, I was able to get my phone bill paid. I got sounds and 13s put up in my Cavalier. And I was able to get a free trip to Cancún. And what's most importantly is that I ain't gotta fuck with Ray-Ray's broke ass no more” - Nikola Jokic

[Tyler]

Oh my good god

[Joe]

[tonger]

This is incredible

[SWAMP STEVEN]

THE ANGEL OF DEATH……………BITCH

[Tyler]

I am actually so raw at mancala

[tonger]

Tyler once broke up with a woman so infatuated with him that she spontaneously flew into Lake Jacomo. That woman, Claire McCaskill, cites the moment as her principle motivation to reach the U.S. Senate

[Tyler]

Man if you told me Claire McCaskill would make into an SLN article, I woulda called you a liar

[SWAMP STEVEN]

I am actually so raw at mancala

I DIDN’T MENTION THIS, BUT CHUCK NORRIS WAS NOT THE ONLY PERSON NEARLY DESTROYED BY TYLER’S MANCALA PROWESS. WE LEGIT NEEDED NARCAN TO GET ELLIE GOULDING UP AND ON HER FEET

It was like that scene in Pulp Fiction…except Tyler was there so it was way better

[SWAMP STEVEN]

Half of these read as Accidental Bronson bars hah