PHX Goes Full Tilt (Author - Tyler)

[heimer]

****Breaking******

4:41pm cst. from Phoenix, AZ.

Suns Fans, I know ownership has tortured you. I know Mr. Sarver has put you through hell your entire life as a Suns fan. I know you are thinking, "Mr. Sarver, why are we not leveraging our future to win now when we have 4 1997 NBA All-Stars on our roster and we are still reeling as a collective fan base from Devin Booker disappearing in the NBA finals from the last Age?" I know you are thinking "we will never be good, maybe I should become a Coyotes fan in 3 years when Paulina Gretzsky's dad buys our NHL team?".

Well, I am extremely proud to announce that you don't have to become a Coyotes fan for 3 more years until Gretzsky actually buys them. Why, you may ask? Well, because the Suns are trying to capitalize on their 30+ year-old All-Stars to win them a title, maybe 2? But definitely not 3 titles because they will be ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE in the early 2000's just in time to become a hockey fan before it is cool to be a hockey fan in the desert. With Mr. Sarver out for a year and having no contact with the team, I decided to bet on myself. Well... myself and Patrick Ewing. We are trading 4 future first round picks to acquire Patrick Ewing from Seattle to capitalize on our veterans in their prime. Those future first round picks will all take place as the Coyotes are hitting the ground running, so it will be a perfect distraction from our own insane rebuild.

The details of the trade boil down to:
Suns acquires: Patrick Ewing, Muggsy Bogues, '00 second round pick, '02 second round pick
Seattle acquires: '99 first round pick, '00 first round pick, '01 first round pick, '02 first round pick, Mario Elie, 500 RP

We are sad to lose Mario Elie. But he was pretty mid in his Preseason 1 Sim frfr.

While we are capitalizing on our players' window to win a title. We are also capitalizing on my own window as a GM. I am very single with just a few mid prospects on the applications, sports gambling became legal in my home state, and my degeneracy is in full force after quitting my semi-professional poker and semi-professional Apex Legends careers. I have time on my hands, and I HAVE PASSION. A few Ages ago, Amare Stoudamire once told me, "If you ever have a chance to win a title in your prime right after a Creation Draft and you don't take it, you are a fucking bitch."

Well Amare, I am not a bitch. Suns Fans, Let's Ride.

With Passion,

TheRealTPain, GM/President of the Phoenix Suns

“If the Suns has a million fans, then I am one of them. If the Suns has ten fans, then I am one of them. If the Suns has only one fan then that is me. If the Suns has no fans, then that means I am no longer on earth. If the world is against the Suns, then I am against the world.”

[heimer]

COMMENT ARCHIVE:


Zero Time SLN Champion
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Sep 14, 2022 at 8:13pm via mobile heimer likes thisQuotelikePost OptionsPost by Zero Time SLN Champion on Sep 14, 2022 at 8:13pm
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ashes
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Sep 14, 2022 at 9:34pm QuotelikePost OptionsPost by ashes on Sep 14, 2022 at 9:34pm
lol
Nav
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Sep 14, 2022 at 10:03pm via mobile heimer likes thisQuotelikePost OptionsPost by Nav on Sep 14, 2022 at 10:03pm
TheRealTPain fucks
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Sep 26, 2022 at 12:30am QuotelikePost OptionsPost by Joe on Sep 26, 2022 at 12:30am
Grade: 270 x 1.5 = 400RP
grundlesauce
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Sep 27, 2022 at 12:46pm Tyler likes thisQuotelikePost OptionsPost by grundlesauce on Sep 27, 2022 at 12:46pm
The copy pasta at the end *chef's kiss*