Little Hands, Big Bols: The 2019 Big Board

[Joe]

Little Hands, Big Bols: The 2019 Big Board

First time in a while I’ve had a lottery pick so I waffled on whether I’d do one of these this year. But the people need answers, so I’ve slapped together my best one yet. Still a work in progress, will update as we go, but draft is upon us!

1. Zion Williamson PF 6'6''284 20 A C- C C C A

Built like a shit brickhouse. Unlimited strength, especially in those legs, which can miraculously take 3 bills of Waffle House-destroying PF and lift it 45 inches off the ground. Heir to the James Harden trifecta of being insanely talented, prone to random weight gain, and doing his best to impregnate as many pornstars/strippers/hookers as he can. Keep it simple, stupid – he’s number 1.

2. Bol Bol PF 7'3'' 220 20 C B- D- C+ C+ A

The unicorn big so nice they named him twice. Good at everything, bad at nothing, except for finding a nice pair of slacks in 28” x 54”. Why wait 4 years for Wemby when you can have the guy Wemby hopes to be right now?

3. Max Strus SF 6'5'' 215 23 C+ B C C C B

Solid range?? Clearly ashes’ team was never decimated by this guy in the playoffs on multiple occasions. Will inexplicably go from being a career 35% 3PT shooter to 75% every time he plays the Celtics, especially in the postseason. One of the most punchable faces of all time, if not the most punchable ever.

4. Tacko Fall C 7'6'' 311 24 D+ F+ F B C C

Imagine Sim Bhullar but…no, actually just imagine Sim Bhullar. Just a hulking brute patrolling the paint and destroying all of the athletic facility toilets. Tacko is basically the same guy, although he seems like he’d be too shy to poop in a public restroom. His third middle name is literally Diop.

5. Tyler Herro SG 6'5'' 195 20 B- B+ C C- C B

Can shoot. However, among his many hood tendencies, cannot swim. Will steal your girl, and will do so while wearing one of those fuzzy bucket hats unironically, which makes it so much worse.

6. Sekou Doumbouya PF 6'8'' 230 19 C C D- C+ C B

If any of you are cultured enough to have played the 10,000 hours of FIFA 11 that I played, you’ll recall that Ivory Coast was one of the most broken teams in Internationals, and mostly because of guys like Sedou Doumbia. He was like a 78 overall but was completely overpowered on sprint speed, agility, acceleration, and finishing. Must have scored 900 goals with him, especially on @Matt, because I am best in the house. And now I get the same guy on my basketball team? No brainer.

7. Ja Morant PG 6'2''174 20 B- C+ B C C- A

Severely misunderstood. That firearm was clearly one of Frank Reynolds’ Gun Shot products, full of tequila bullets for fun in the club. Confusion over the nature of the gun was clearly due to not having enough patented busty women on the Instagram Live….either that or the women he did have in that clip weren’t busty enough.

8. Alen Smailagic PF 6'10'' 215 19 C+ B- C- C C+ B

The fuck is up with this guy’s draft notes. Can go to the NDL? Can’t go to the NDL? No mention of any skills at all? I’m intrigued enough to give him a shot in the top 10.

9. Deividas Sirvydis SG 6'8'' 190 19 C B C- C- C A

Looks like what would happen if you asked ChatGPT to create a random name for a new member of the Slavic Corner. The rise of Koralev has caused me to look favorably at these little known Eastern European guys with A potential. More vowels = more buckets.

10. RJ Barrett SG 6'6''214 19 B B- C D C A

Overall not great Bob. Game is generally ass, looks double ass because he’s doing it with the wrong hand. Makes sure never to pass it so that you can always keep an eye on just how ass his game is. There are a lot of NBA guys with big foreheads, some even with what I’d call a five-head (sorry Derrick White, still love you). Barrett has a three-head, which is somehow worse. Probably OK despite being Canadian.

11. Vanja Marinkovic SG 6'6'' 200 22 C B- C- C- C- C

Look me in the eyes and tell me that ashes didn’t make the secret 100 potential guy the one named Vagina. Obvious, really.

12. Darius Garland SG 6'1'' 192 20 C B B C- D A

Should probably be higher, but I honestly forgot about him until now, and a card laid is a card played where I come from. Best recruit Vanderbilt ever got, plays like 4 games and gets hurt for the year, then goes to the league the following summer. Loyalty: 0.

13. Luguentz Dort SG 6'3'' 215 20 C B C B C B

Could you ask for a more aesthetic set of ratings? Perfectly balanced, as all things should be. Normally I would shit on anyone French or French-adjacent including Quebecers, but I was just in Montreal for a bachelor party and I couldn’t be more in on the poutine, that place slaps.

[Derek]

Looks good to me

[quady]

Have we done negative RP for an article yet?

[Joe]

Have we done negative RP for an article yet?

If this is for the Rui joke, I’m not sorry at all

[Clinton]

Max Strus taking a tumble down the draft for some odd reason. People sleeping on this board

[pacers]

Have we done negative RP for an article yet?

If this is for the Rui joke, I’m not sorry at all

Wow clever AND tough! You got any other examples of lazy casual racism in your big boards or you just now finding your swag?

[Joe]

Have we done negative RP for an article yet?

If this is for the Rui joke, I’m not sorry at all

Wow clever AND tough! You got any other examples of lazy casual racism in your big boards or you just now finding your swag?

I should have added, never any offense intended to any groups represented, of course - apologies if it offended

[jwoo]

If this is for the Rui joke, I’m not sorry at all

Wow clever AND tough! You got any other examples of lazy casual racism in your big boards or you just now finding your swag?

I should have added, never any offense intended to any groups represented, of course - apologies if it offended

a few questions

Why didn’t you add it?

Why is it on others to assume no offense was intended?

Why was your apology conditional on “if” someone was offended?

Just fucking say sorry. Don’t be a bitch. It wasn’t funny whether or not it was racist and what you said helps nothing.

[Joe]

Wow clever AND tough! You got any other examples of lazy casual racism in your big boards or you just now finding your swag?

I should have added, never any offense intended to any groups represented, of course - apologies if it offended

a few questions

Why didn’t you add it?

Why is it on others to assume no offense was intended?

Why was your apology conditional on “if” someone was offended?

Just fucking say sorry. Don’t be a bitch. It wasn’t funny whether or not it was racist and what you said helps nothing.

You’re right. I’m really sorry, did not think it through. I’ll take it down as well

[jwoo]

I should have added, never any offense intended to any groups represented, of course - apologies if it offended

a few questions

Why didn’t you add it?

Why is it on others to assume no offense was intended?

Why was your apology conditional on “if” someone was offended?

Just fucking say sorry. Don’t be a bitch. It wasn’t funny whether or not it was racist and what you said helps nothing.

You’re right. I’m really sorry, did not think it through. I’ll take it down as well

Don’t take it down. Think we should all see it