QUADSQUAD SWAMP & A — Herb Jones

[SWAMP STEVEN]

Interview conducted by a floating, glowing chicken cutlet. Edited and condensed for clarity.

What’s your name, Loofah Brotha #1?

Herb Jones, bka No Limit J Herbo. I’m reading the Wikipedia entry for “Chicago” in book club. That shit’s nuts.

What’s the best part about being a rookie?

I get to act like I’m hard of hearing, because no one really knows me here and you can’t prove that my ears suck. What’s gonna happen, I fail the hearing test? Anyway, it makes people lean in and speak more forcefully. I get, I dunno, excited? Aroused?

Are you asking me?

Yes in fact I am. What’s the worst part about working for Nets comms and public relations?

They make me pay for gas, Herb.

But you take the bus, I’ve seen you —

I KNOW WHAT I DO, HERB. I DON’T HAVE A CAR. THEY MAKE ME PAY FOR SO MANY PEOPLE’S GAS. ZION DRIVES A DOUBLE-DECKER HUMMER, FA KRIST’S SAKE!

I envy you. I’ve never even seen a car.

What’s your favorite NDL city to play in?

I’m a homebody. Long Island is kinda sick. Massapequa has a dog!

Like…one dog? A famous dog?

Don’t be so narrow-minded. That’s how you get headaches. One dog can change the world. Besides, this is like the The Smiths of dogs. It’s not the chart-topper, but it’ll inspire ten new dogs to be dogs.

Describe Zion Williamson in one word:

Ube. IYKYK, which is the sound a Pelican makes. We don’t have those, do we? Man, we don’t have Wizards! Can we please change that?

What’s the hardest part of basketball:

The traveling, for sure. It’s like…feet move more than hands. We should be able to run more than dribble.

Where do you want to see yourself five years from now?

In one of those photo setups where you put your head through the hole and you look like a different thing. I want Cam Thomas in the picture with me.

Any closing thoughts?

Yes. As the seat of Cook County, the second-most populous county in the U.S., Chicago is the center of the Chicago metropolitan area, often colloquially called "Chicagoland" and home to 9.6 million residents.

[jwoo]

feet move more than hands

[mantypas/CavsCzar]

Don’t be so narrow-minded. That’s how you get headaches.

I’m using this line in the future - incredible

[SWAMP STEVEN]

Don’t be so narrow-minded. That’s how you get headaches.

I’m using this line in the future - incredible

Invoice me whenever, basketballemail@swamp.biznizzz

[Joe]

Grade: 600RP