Monta Ellis Island: The 2005 Big Board
Monta Ellis Island: The 2005 Big Board
Monta Ellis Island: The 2005 Big Board
Sorry for the delay with this, I had to do my stupid real job for a couple weeks instead of SLN...what a massive waste of time, never again.
Anyway, with so many teams crawling thirstily through the PG desert that is the current player file, the Sim God has observed the rain dances and seen fit to bless us with a downpour of viable floor generals in 2005. There are some easy winners in this first round, but this Pokemon stip has me ready to make some BAD choices, like going through the stupid Zubat caves in Mt. Moon without an Electric type.
1. Chris Paul PG 6'0'' 175 20 C+ B- B+ B C A
Chris Paul should send Draymond Green a fruit basket every year for making people forget who the league’s original nutsack assassin was. Pretty much the human embodiment of the Napoleonic complex. This whiney chode might be the thumbnail for most of the flopping compilations on Youtube, but he’s going to be the perfect SLN PG – think what JKidd is doing this year, but every year. Possibly with more steals. Don’t fret though, you won’t have to worry about winning any of those pesky championships with this guy at the helm.
2. Deron Williams PG 6'3'' 200 21 C+ B B C C- A
Legend has it that once your Jameer Nelson reaches level 50, you can evolve him into Deron Williams with a Fire Stone. His defense is bordering on C+, and it looks like he’s gonna be one of those guys with flat B Defense in his prime with high steals and low Drive/Perimeter D, so who cares. The new class of PGs from 04 and 05 are going to take over from all the aging creation draft studs before we know it and we're going to be stuck paying the NVE's of the world $22M a year to shit their pants against the young guns.
3. Andrew Bogut C 7'0'' 260 21 B- D+ C+ B C+ A
The vegemightiest big man in the 05 class, there’s absolutely nothing not to like about this hulking Aussie. B defense bordering on B+ and C+ Rebounding bordering on B-, I expect Bogut to have a hefty first camp. That B- Inside definitely doesn’t have an ounce of Jumping in it either, my man couldn’t get toilet paper under his shoes if you paid him. His upside should be pretty scary – think Brad Miller if he actually got back and played any defense and wasn’t a humongous cunt to everyone all the time.
4. Andrew Bynum C 7'0'' 285 18 C+ D+ D C+ C+ A
I know, I know, the scouted potential ranking in the draft file isn’t something to get hung up on, but “dripping with potential” at 18 years old feels like the kinda guy you want to take in the top 5. It also sounds…pretty gross, TBH. If Kwame Brown has managed to not suck, I’ve got a pretty good feeling about Bynum. Remember when he was out for like 6 weeks with a bowling injury? Man, the NBA was better then, complete chaos.
5. Monta Ellis SG 6'3'' 185 20 B C+ B- C C A
Probably the second greatest player to ever lace ‘em up after Jesse’s newest addition at PG. I got a thing for the prospects that are just juiced to the teeth with quickness and strength, and he’s got the third highest inside of anyone in the file. I hope he wins MVP someday and we get to hear a completely incomprehensible acceptance speech in whatever language they speak in Mississippi. Let lil’ Penny cook!
6. Danny Granger SF 6'9'' 222 22 B B C B C+ B
People forget, but there was about a solid 15 minutes where this guy was like a top 10 player in the league - Calvin remembers. Then he was fatally cucked when Paul George was drafted by the Pacers and essentially erased all memory of Granger from the history books. As a lot of the tankers are looking to flip the switch after this draft, I’m sure an SLN-ready guy will be a spicy hot commodity. Probably not going to recreate his ‘09 season in SLN, but feel like he’ll jump into the Tier B of SFs really quickly and then just kinda hang out there ‘til he dies.
7. Marvin Williams PF 6'8'' 237 19 B- C+ C- B- C A
The reality is, he’s probably gonna be a pretty bad PF because he’s the wrong shape. But the super strong SF mold (think: Mashburn) seems to have outsized value in SLN, so I’d probably get him to that position as quickly as possible and then watch him eat everyone’s lunch (except Sean May’s, because he ate his entire own lunch in one bite and is already in line at McDonald’s for second lunch). “Flashes of greatness” and the third-highest scouted potential – yes, I know it’s made up – got me feelin’ some kinda way.
8. Lou Williams SG 6'1'' 175 19 C+ B C+ C C- A
Here’s how I know Wikipedia is run by a bunch of virgins: the only sentence on Lou Williams’ page about his relationship history is a decidedly salty mention of his “alleged two girlfriends,” as if he just claimed to be dating two chicks and didn’t bring both of them to the game every night and inspire young hoopers everywhere. Put some respek on his name, you Wikipedia basement-dwelling incels. Yes, and he was good at basketball and shit, you should probably take him pretty high in the draft.
9. Raymond Felton PG 6'1'' 205 21 C B- B- B- C- B
Cheeseburger Ray and Sean May must have done some DAMAGE at the UNC dining halls. Would have put Matt’s prime performances to shame without a doubt. “A little on the slower end for PGs” – yeah, I should think so Ashes, the guy was a fucking blimp the back half of his career. If you can evolve Jameer Nelson into a bunch of all-star PGs with a Fire, Water or Thunder Stone, you can probably evolve him into a Ray Felton with a Five Guys gift card. I’m saying, he’s FAT. You’re welcome for this detailed draft analysis on the last couple picks.
10. Martell Webster SF 6'7'' 230 19 B- C+ C- C+ C B
Not unlike Marvin Williams, “great strength” should turn Webster from a decent scorer into a really good one. He was a bit of a nothing in real life, but I feel like he’s going to be one of these Voshon Lenards who just ends up with the right combination of ratings to jump into the “weirdly dominant historical journeyman” category. He has a rap mixtape called ARTT. I listened. It wasn’t art.
11. Amir Johnson PF 6'9'' 240 18 C+ C- D+ B- B- B
High B- Defense and High B- rebounding for an 18-year-old is downright pornographic, there are very few bigs who have come into the league at that age with essentially B/B. And Ashes had the chutzpah to put “good upside” in his profile too? Sheesh! The Butt Brigade will be hot on his tush in no time.
12. CJ Miles SG 6'6'' 220 18 C+ B- C- C+ C B
Just the most generic NBA name in history. If you told me there's a guy starting for the Hornets in 2023 named CJ Miles I'd probably believe you. He’s pretty much got the same draft notes as Tyrone Nesby, except he also has the words “good upside” at the end. Literally no weaknesses, just good at everything already, beautiful starting ratings and lightly stuffed with Potential at age 18. If somebody wanted to reach on this guy, I wouldn’t be surprised.
13. Julius Hodge SG 6'7'' 210 22 C+ B- C C+ C+ B
Basically 22-year-old CJ Miles, so maybe less upside, but also an elite rebounder at the 2. Famously the recipient of one of CP3s most egregious and destructive sack taps. True story, at one point in his career he ended up with a Venezuelan team called Trotamundos de Carabobo, which sounds made up even in Spanish.
14. Marcin Gortat C 6'11'' 240 21 C+ C- D+ B+ C+ B
It feels insane to put the guy with the best defensive rating in the file all the way down at 14, but the middle of the pack is THICC with multiple C’s in 2005. On top of that, he’s got almost B- rebounding as a rookie and should quickly tick up in his first couple of camps. Word is he got the nickname The Polish Hammer for the way he absolutely obliterated day-shift strippers during his time in Orlando. It would be appropriate if the Hawks ended up drafting him, as ol' Gortits had an absolute BEAK on him. Look at that thing, you could stand under it during a rainstorm and not get wet.
15. Yaroslav Korolev SF 6'9'' 203 18 C+ C C+ C+ C B
Alright, I’ll bite. There are probably a bunch of better players at 15 but God knows I had to write something. What the fuck is going on with this stip? I’m basically reading it as “under absolutely no circumstances should you even think about sending this guy to the NDL.” Which, combined with his notes, would make me think he’s a 99 Potential guy. But then again, there’s no way Ashes would make such a conspicuous stip on a guy no one’s every heard if not to bait morons like me into thinking he’s the diamond in the rough when he’s really trash. But then again, wouldn’t Ashes assume that we were smart enough to KNOW that he would never do something so obvious, so the best place to hide the diamond in the rough actually WOULD be in the guy with the obviously horrendous stip?? FUCK. Here's pretty much where I’m at with this guy:
BONUS: Turk Alert!! Everyone knows that Ashes juices the Turkish guys in the league (and nerfs the Armenians), so feel free to snag Cenk Akyol in the late lotto. He might have C's across the board, but there's literally zero chance he doesn't end up an All Star.
Sorry for the delay with this, I had to do my stupid real job for a couple weeks instead of SLN...what a massive waste of time, never again.
Anyway, with so many teams crawling thirstily through the PG desert that is the current player file, the Sim God has observed the rain dances and seen fit to bless us with a downpour of viable floor generals in 2005. There are some easy winners in this first round, but this Pokemon stip has me ready to make some BAD choices, like going through the stupid Zubat caves in Mt. Moon without an Electric type.
1. Chris Paul PG 6'0'' 175 20 C+ B- B+ B C A
Chris Paul should send Draymond Green a fruit basket every year for making people forget who the league’s original nutsack assassin was. Pretty much the human embodiment of the Napoleonic complex. This whiney chode might be the thumbnail for most of the flopping compilations on Youtube, but he’s going to be the perfect SLN PG – think what JKidd is doing this year, but every year. Possibly with more steals. Don’t fret though, you won’t have to worry about winning any of those pesky championships with this guy at the helm.
2. Deron Williams PG 6'3'' 200 21 C+ B B C C- A
Legend has it that once your Jameer Nelson reaches level 50, you can evolve him into Deron Williams with a Fire Stone. His defense is bordering on C+, and it looks like he’s gonna be one of those guys with flat B Defense in his prime with high steals and low Drive/Perimeter D, so who cares. The new class of PGs from 04 and 05 are going to take over from all the aging creation draft studs before we know it and we're going to be stuck paying the NVE's of the world $22M a year to shit their pants against the young guns.
3. Andrew Bogut C 7'0'' 260 21 B- D+ C+ B C+ A
The vegemightiest big man in the 05 class, there’s absolutely nothing not to like about this hulking Aussie. B defense bordering on B+ and C+ Rebounding bordering on B-, I expect Bogut to have a hefty first camp. That B- Inside definitely doesn’t have an ounce of Jumping in it either, my man couldn’t get toilet paper under his shoes if you paid him. His upside should be pretty scary – think Brad Miller if he actually got back and played any defense and wasn’t a humongous cunt to everyone all the time.
4. Andrew Bynum C 7'0'' 285 18 C+ D+ D C+ C+ A
I know, I know, the scouted potential ranking in the draft file isn’t something to get hung up on, but “dripping with potential” at 18 years old feels like the kinda guy you want to take in the top 5. It also sounds…pretty gross, TBH. If Kwame Brown has managed to not suck, I’ve got a pretty good feeling about Bynum. Remember when he was out for like 6 weeks with a bowling injury? Man, the NBA was better then, complete chaos.
5. Monta Ellis SG 6'3'' 185 20 B C+ B- C C A
Probably the second greatest player to ever lace ‘em up after Jesse’s newest addition at PG. I got a thing for the prospects that are just juiced to the teeth with quickness and strength, and he’s got the third highest inside of anyone in the file. I hope he wins MVP someday and we get to hear a completely incomprehensible acceptance speech in whatever language they speak in Mississippi. Let lil’ Penny cook!
6. Danny Granger SF 6'9'' 222 22 B B C B C+ B
People forget, but there was about a solid 15 minutes where this guy was like a top 10 player in the league - Calvin remembers. Then he was fatally cucked when Paul George was drafted by the Pacers and essentially erased all memory of Granger from the history books. As a lot of the tankers are looking to flip the switch after this draft, I’m sure an SLN-ready guy will be a spicy hot commodity. Probably not going to recreate his ‘09 season in SLN, but feel like he’ll jump into the Tier B of SFs really quickly and then just kinda hang out there ‘til he dies.
7. Marvin Williams PF 6'8'' 237 19 B- C+ C- B- C A
The reality is, he’s probably gonna be a pretty bad PF because he’s the wrong shape. But the super strong SF mold (think: Mashburn) seems to have outsized value in SLN, so I’d probably get him to that position as quickly as possible and then watch him eat everyone’s lunch (except Sean May’s, because he ate his entire own lunch in one bite and is already in line at McDonald’s for second lunch). “Flashes of greatness” and the third-highest scouted potential – yes, I know it’s made up – got me feelin’ some kinda way.
8. Lou Williams SG 6'1'' 175 19 C+ B C+ C C- A
Here’s how I know Wikipedia is run by a bunch of virgins: the only sentence on Lou Williams’ page about his relationship history is a decidedly salty mention of his “alleged two girlfriends,” as if he just claimed to be dating two chicks and didn’t bring both of them to the game every night and inspire young hoopers everywhere. Put some respek on his name, you Wikipedia basement-dwelling incels. Yes, and he was good at basketball and shit, you should probably take him pretty high in the draft.
9. Raymond Felton PG 6'1'' 205 21 C B- B- B- C- B
Cheeseburger Ray and Sean May must have done some DAMAGE at the UNC dining halls. Would have put Matt’s prime performances to shame without a doubt. “A little on the slower end for PGs” – yeah, I should think so Ashes, the guy was a fucking blimp the back half of his career. If you can evolve Jameer Nelson into a bunch of all-star PGs with a Fire, Water or Thunder Stone, you can probably evolve him into a Ray Felton with a Five Guys gift card. I’m saying, he’s FAT. You’re welcome for this detailed draft analysis on the last couple picks.
10. Martell Webster SF 6'7'' 230 19 B- C+ C- C+ C B
Not unlike Marvin Williams, “great strength” should turn Webster from a decent scorer into a really good one. He was a bit of a nothing in real life, but I feel like he’s going to be one of these Voshon Lenards who just ends up with the right combination of ratings to jump into the “weirdly dominant historical journeyman” category. He has a rap mixtape called ARTT. I listened. It wasn’t art.
11. Amir Johnson PF 6'9'' 240 18 C+ C- D+ B- B- B
High B- Defense and High B- rebounding for an 18-year-old is downright pornographic, there are very few bigs who have come into the league at that age with essentially B/B. And Ashes had the chutzpah to put “good upside” in his profile too? Sheesh! The Butt Brigade will be hot on his tush in no time.
12. CJ Miles SG 6'6'' 220 18 C+ B- C- C+ C B
Just the most generic NBA name in history. If you told me there's a guy starting for the Hornets in 2023 named CJ Miles I'd probably believe you. He’s pretty much got the same draft notes as Tyrone Nesby, except he also has the words “good upside” at the end. Literally no weaknesses, just good at everything already, beautiful starting ratings and lightly stuffed with Potential at age 18. If somebody wanted to reach on this guy, I wouldn’t be surprised.
13. Julius Hodge SG 6'7'' 210 22 C+ B- C C+ C+ B
Basically 22-year-old CJ Miles, so maybe less upside, but also an elite rebounder at the 2. Famously the recipient of one of CP3s most egregious and destructive sack taps. True story, at one point in his career he ended up with a Venezuelan team called Trotamundos de Carabobo, which sounds made up even in Spanish.
14. Marcin Gortat C 6'11'' 240 21 C+ C- D+ B+ C+ B
It feels insane to put the guy with the best defensive rating in the file all the way down at 14, but the middle of the pack is THICC with multiple C’s in 2005. On top of that, he’s got almost B- rebounding as a rookie and should quickly tick up in his first couple of camps. Word is he got the nickname The Polish Hammer for the way he absolutely obliterated day-shift strippers during his time in Orlando. It would be appropriate if the Hawks ended up drafting him, as ol' Gortits had an absolute BEAK on him. Look at that thing, you could stand under it during a rainstorm and not get wet.
15. Yaroslav Korolev SF 6'9'' 203 18 C+ C C+ C+ C B
Alright, I’ll bite. There are probably a bunch of better players at 15 but God knows I had to write something. What the fuck is going on with this stip? I’m basically reading it as “under absolutely no circumstances should you even think about sending this guy to the NDL.” Which, combined with his notes, would make me think he’s a 99 Potential guy. But then again, there’s no way Ashes would make such a conspicuous stip on a guy no one’s every heard if not to bait morons like me into thinking he’s the diamond in the rough when he’s really trash. But then again, wouldn’t Ashes assume that we were smart enough to KNOW that he would never do something so obvious, so the best place to hide the diamond in the rough actually WOULD be in the guy with the obviously horrendous stip?? FUCK. Here's pretty much where I’m at with this guy:
BONUS: Turk Alert!! Everyone knows that Ashes juices the Turkish guys in the league (and nerfs the Armenians), so feel free to snag Cenk Akyol in the late lotto. He might have C's across the board, but there's literally zero chance he doesn't end up an All Star.
Celtics ah the balls
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