JAMAAL! BE CAREFUL!: Instant Reactions for Atlantic Division [SS Vol. 3]
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SWAMP STEVEN
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JAMAAL! BE CAREFUL!: Instant Reactions for Atlantic Division [SS Vol. 3]
Are the Heat or Celtics the best team? Will Michael Finley and the Magic catch fire, a new STI endemic to Osceola County? Atlantic City’s drunkest tweenages and I recap opening week and ask one question about every team, plus a few questions about how to win Samanthica back before my grandnephew’s wedding.
Steven Marks is the author of Can’t Spell New Jersey Without Y-O-U, Small Forwards With Big Dreams and So 9/11 Just Happened in the SLN Universe: The Case For Lilliputian Multilateralism.
[Swampstoryz Vol. 1 can be found here]
[Swampstoryz Vol. 2 can be found here]
Let’s get in front of this right away. The drunk tweenagers thing, your words, not mine. These lil fuckers are my scouts, and I’ve dispatched all of them in compliance with OSHA and Department of Labor fair work standards (even Brayden, who totally sucks). Read the Patriot Act. Also read The Lovely Bones, it’s the book of the year. But Frank Lautenberg and I have an MJ/David Stern situation going on, know what I mean? Now that’s one for the Googlers, *Bun B voice from that Childish Gambino song*, know what I mean? You absolutely do not know what I mean, because it’s 2002 and there is no Childish Gambino, I’m just trying to show you that the space-time continuum is fragile. Anyway, the Pentagon is gleefully throwing away defense contract vouchers like Damon Stoudamire in the open floor. I’ve taken on Ercole DiMeo Middle School’s finest to scout the competition, because public school spending cuts have been brutal amid No Child Left Behind (except Brayden, leave that twerp behind, boooooo). Here’s what we’ve learned from week 1, and what we expect to see as the season progresses.
Orlando Magic (4-1): Is Jamaal Tinsley taking the leap?
Last Year: 32-50
JAMAAL! BE CAREFUL! Leaping can be fun, but only if practiced correctly and with a helmet! As a rookie, Tinsley averaged about 8 points and 4 assists in limited minutes; through five games in 2002, he’s posted 19.6/5.4/7.8 and 2.4 steals. MIPpy Longstocking, add that nickname to the SLN-Reference page. Last year’s scoring champion Michael Finley is shooting less, and subsequently scoring less, but still getting buckets and steals at an elite level. This is his first year of a five-year deal with the Magic, and it appears to have flipped their switch into real competitor mode. Aaron McKie is putting opposing 2s in Disney jail. Richard DeVos is allegedly using Bryant “Big Country” Reeves as a whimsical singing coat hanger. This team will win at least one playoff series.
Miami Heat (4-2): When is Shaquille O'Neal Presents His Superfriends, Vol. 1 going to drop?
Last Year: 46-36
Shaq’s last studio LP, Respect, was released almost four years ago now. We’ve heard he has a few Dre beats! Shaq’s first two albums, Shaq Diesel and Shaq Fu, are both certified platinum, something Samanthica’s new boyfriend probably doesn’t even know. We’re hoping that the crackers who ain’t playin’ fair at Jive let this record see the light of day, or the dark of day, because partying and stuff like that usually happens at night. Shaq really once dissed Alonzo Mourning on a song with Fu-Schnickens; now, they block seven shots a game as part of the league’s most formidable frontcourt. The Heat are no. 1 in the SLN in turnovers per game. If Nick Van Exel keeps this up (11.2 assists per game), I predict Jadakiss will name check him in a smash with Beyonce (yes, ask Ashes, in this simulation Jadakiss marries Beyonce).
Boston Celtics (4-3): Is Jeff McKinnis in trouble?
Last Year: 57-25
Kobe is shooting 55 percent from the field and has his turnovers down to a career-low 1.9 per game. Yet the Celtics are 4-3 in their first seven games. Point guard Jeff McKinnis may be a delightful candidate for Worcester city council, but he’s also a prime candidate for regression this season: 40 percent from the floor, 29 from behind the arc, 3.1 turnovers, all career-worst. Just something to watch, like HBO’s new show The Wire! This team doesn’t have its own first-round draft pick until 2005, so it’s win now.
New Jersey Nets (4-3): Will Michael Dunkin Penberthy please return the tricolor pen?
Last Year: 34-48
32.7 / 4.6 / 6.0 on 53/47/90 shooting? Now that’s rad. Asking to borrow the pen that has the black, green and red click thing, then not giving it back? Decidedly uncool. We did Myers-Briggs Tests during the team retreat to Parsippany, and DeSagana Diop inexplicably got “THAT GUY.”
Washington Bullets (3-3): Should we worry about Tim Duncan?
Last Year: 48-34
The answer is no, although if you’re considering Tim’s feelings in a broader sense, you’re definitely an empath, look at you go!
It’s been an ugly start to the 02-03 campaign for Duncan, an All-Defense and First-Team All-SLN superstar. He’ll miss at least the next full sim with a broken jaw, which he allegedly incurred at Mayor Marion Barry’s recent fundraiser at a Columbia Heights White Castle (the one by the bridge, not the one where Newt Gingrich allegedly shat himself). Lindsey Hunter has a torn hamstring. Get well soon, Bullets? That sounds weird, please be the Wizards.
New York Knicks (2-5): Can Nas absorb minutes for you guys?
Last Year: 34-48
The lowest-scoring squad in the league by a considerable margin. Seriously, there are better shots put up on “Ether” than anything coming from this Bryce Drew-led offense. The word around SLN circles is that Nav spends more time working on his G Unit Radio mixtape than he does working at Madison Square Garden. Holding the rest of this space to acknowledge that in this simulation, Michael Jordan played for the Knicks and they won a championship.
Philadelphia 76ers (2-7): Is Antoine Walker on the worst contract in the league?
Last Year: 20-62
The Sixers are bottoming out, a sex thing I just learned about after a wild and surprisingly cheap Tuesday in West Philly. They’re also not playing well and have a great chance at landing LeBron James with the top pick of the 2003 Draft. 76ers fans, I dunno what to tell you this year, have a slice of beer or something.
Steven Marks is the author of Can’t Spell New Jersey Without Y-O-U, Small Forwards With Big Dreams and So 9/11 Just Happened in the SLN Universe: The Case For Lilliputian Multilateralism.
[Swampstoryz Vol. 1 can be found here]
[Swampstoryz Vol. 2 can be found here]
Let’s get in front of this right away. The drunk tweenagers thing, your words, not mine. These lil fuckers are my scouts, and I’ve dispatched all of them in compliance with OSHA and Department of Labor fair work standards (even Brayden, who totally sucks). Read the Patriot Act. Also read The Lovely Bones, it’s the book of the year. But Frank Lautenberg and I have an MJ/David Stern situation going on, know what I mean? Now that’s one for the Googlers, *Bun B voice from that Childish Gambino song*, know what I mean? You absolutely do not know what I mean, because it’s 2002 and there is no Childish Gambino, I’m just trying to show you that the space-time continuum is fragile. Anyway, the Pentagon is gleefully throwing away defense contract vouchers like Damon Stoudamire in the open floor. I’ve taken on Ercole DiMeo Middle School’s finest to scout the competition, because public school spending cuts have been brutal amid No Child Left Behind (except Brayden, leave that twerp behind, boooooo). Here’s what we’ve learned from week 1, and what we expect to see as the season progresses.
Orlando Magic (4-1): Is Jamaal Tinsley taking the leap?
Last Year: 32-50
JAMAAL! BE CAREFUL! Leaping can be fun, but only if practiced correctly and with a helmet! As a rookie, Tinsley averaged about 8 points and 4 assists in limited minutes; through five games in 2002, he’s posted 19.6/5.4/7.8 and 2.4 steals. MIPpy Longstocking, add that nickname to the SLN-Reference page. Last year’s scoring champion Michael Finley is shooting less, and subsequently scoring less, but still getting buckets and steals at an elite level. This is his first year of a five-year deal with the Magic, and it appears to have flipped their switch into real competitor mode. Aaron McKie is putting opposing 2s in Disney jail. Richard DeVos is allegedly using Bryant “Big Country” Reeves as a whimsical singing coat hanger. This team will win at least one playoff series.
Miami Heat (4-2): When is Shaquille O'Neal Presents His Superfriends, Vol. 1 going to drop?
Last Year: 46-36
Shaq’s last studio LP, Respect, was released almost four years ago now. We’ve heard he has a few Dre beats! Shaq’s first two albums, Shaq Diesel and Shaq Fu, are both certified platinum, something Samanthica’s new boyfriend probably doesn’t even know. We’re hoping that the crackers who ain’t playin’ fair at Jive let this record see the light of day, or the dark of day, because partying and stuff like that usually happens at night. Shaq really once dissed Alonzo Mourning on a song with Fu-Schnickens; now, they block seven shots a game as part of the league’s most formidable frontcourt. The Heat are no. 1 in the SLN in turnovers per game. If Nick Van Exel keeps this up (11.2 assists per game), I predict Jadakiss will name check him in a smash with Beyonce (yes, ask Ashes, in this simulation Jadakiss marries Beyonce).
Boston Celtics (4-3): Is Jeff McKinnis in trouble?
Last Year: 57-25
Kobe is shooting 55 percent from the field and has his turnovers down to a career-low 1.9 per game. Yet the Celtics are 4-3 in their first seven games. Point guard Jeff McKinnis may be a delightful candidate for Worcester city council, but he’s also a prime candidate for regression this season: 40 percent from the floor, 29 from behind the arc, 3.1 turnovers, all career-worst. Just something to watch, like HBO’s new show The Wire! This team doesn’t have its own first-round draft pick until 2005, so it’s win now.
New Jersey Nets (4-3): Will Michael Dunkin Penberthy please return the tricolor pen?
Last Year: 34-48
32.7 / 4.6 / 6.0 on 53/47/90 shooting? Now that’s rad. Asking to borrow the pen that has the black, green and red click thing, then not giving it back? Decidedly uncool. We did Myers-Briggs Tests during the team retreat to Parsippany, and DeSagana Diop inexplicably got “THAT GUY.”
Washington Bullets (3-3): Should we worry about Tim Duncan?
Last Year: 48-34
The answer is no, although if you’re considering Tim’s feelings in a broader sense, you’re definitely an empath, look at you go!
It’s been an ugly start to the 02-03 campaign for Duncan, an All-Defense and First-Team All-SLN superstar. He’ll miss at least the next full sim with a broken jaw, which he allegedly incurred at Mayor Marion Barry’s recent fundraiser at a Columbia Heights White Castle (the one by the bridge, not the one where Newt Gingrich allegedly shat himself). Lindsey Hunter has a torn hamstring. Get well soon, Bullets? That sounds weird, please be the Wizards.New York Knicks (2-5): Can Nas absorb minutes for you guys?
Last Year: 34-48
The lowest-scoring squad in the league by a considerable margin. Seriously, there are better shots put up on “Ether” than anything coming from this Bryce Drew-led offense. The word around SLN circles is that Nav spends more time working on his G Unit Radio mixtape than he does working at Madison Square Garden. Holding the rest of this space to acknowledge that in this simulation, Michael Jordan played for the Knicks and they won a championship.
Philadelphia 76ers (2-7): Is Antoine Walker on the worst contract in the league?
Last Year: 20-62
The Sixers are bottoming out, a sex thing I just learned about after a wild and surprisingly cheap Tuesday in West Philly. They’re also not playing well and have a great chance at landing LeBron James with the top pick of the 2003 Draft. 76ers fans, I dunno what to tell you this year, have a slice of beer or something.
*DJ DRAMA VOICE* OH YOU HEARD THE RUMORS [GANGSTA GRIZZILLZ] IT’S A MOTHERFUCKIN SWAMPSTORY!
*lighter flick* Never talk to the cops I don’t speak piglatin / I turned the Nets into the motherfuckin Swamp Dragons
*lighter flick* Never talk to the cops I don’t speak piglatin / I turned the Nets into the motherfuckin Swamp Dragons
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