Hypothetical SLN Players

[bobby]

Since we need to come up with some posts, this is a topic I thought could be fun. Post some guys and what you’d think their ratings would be. These can be anyone/thing: biblical figures, cartoon characters, players that were college legends that never made it to SLN, real guys whose careers were over prior to the creation draft etc. Feel free to include pre-draft ratings, ratings in their primes or whatever you want. Stips and player profiles also encouraged! Maybe these will serve as inspiration to Ashes once we get to seasons well into the future.

Kim Jong Un. PG. 5’7”. 255 Pounds. Age: 21
A+ A+ A+ A+ A+ A

Pre-draft ratings reported by Democratic People’s Republic of Korea scouts thus unverified. Would love to be a Houston Rocket.

[bobby]

Btw I think this was in one of Joe’s offseason questionnaires to give credit where it’s due

[Josh]

Gollum. PG. 3'6". 75 pounds. Age: ~600
A- C C B+ F F

Has spent the last 500 years in a cave and has acclimated to the indoors. Excellent handles but kind of a ball hog. Unable to "rebound" his precious once it departs from him. Surely does not have long for this earth

[bobby]

Could someone more clever than I do one for Pootie Tang?

[SoNicks]

Michael Jackson
PG
B+ B- A- C- C+ A

Great handles, good inside moves that can translate to beyond the arc. Has great hands around the Hole. Cannot defend himself well but he does Rebound well from drama. Doesn’t pass. Legendary upside

Stipulation: he starts out extremely Fast, Strong, and Atlhetic. Every offseason, he becomes more white as he sees randomized drops in each category, but gets a random boost to jump shot and 3pt

[Kipke]

Taco Bell Dog
2'9", 8 lb
SG
C- A- B+ C D- B

Extremely quick. Can literally burn defenders and run down between their legs if they're not careful.

Really nice touch from downtown. Severely lacking in strength--will have trouble defending opposing wings without serious work in camps. "Nacho ball" instincts cause him to constantly be anticipating and be jumping into passing lanes on defense. Will have trouble ever holding down starting minutes

Stipulation: Yo quiero

[Kipke]

General Grievous (Vazquez)
9'5", 450 lb
C
A- F+ C A+ A F

Will set block records someday--he literally had twice as many limbs as every other player and he is meaningfully taller as well. Terrible range--you can't fake the force no matter how many lightsabers you have in your collection. Is the C Handles passing or handling?!?? Time will tell! Do the 4 limbs mean even more coordination or does he have only 2 limbs worth of coordination spread over 4!?
Scouts think Grievous has maxed out his potential already, in fact, Hello There! some say he might be headed for a Len Bias-esque career trajectory

Stipulation: THE NEGOTIATOR! Once he is no longer on his rookie deal, Grievous' contract length can be renegotiated unilaterally by the GM once in his career. This will take the AAV value of the final year of Grievous' current contract and allow the GM to give Grievous a contract of any length for that AAV. So if he's on a 4 year deal that ends at $10M, you could reduce to 1 year 10M, and if he's on the MLE, you could extend to 4.5Mx6

[SoNicks]

General Grievous (Vazquez)
9'5", 450 lb
C
A- F+ C A+ A F

Will set block records someday--he literally had twice as many limbs as every other player and he is meaningfully taller as well. Terrible range--you can't fake the force no matter how many lightsabers you have in your collection. Is the C Handles passing or handling?!?? Time will tell! Do the 4 limbs mean even more coordination or does he have only 2 limbs worth of coordination spread over 4!?
Scouts think Grievous has maxed out his potential already, in fact, Hello There! some say he might be headed for a Len Bias-esque career trajectory

Stipulation: THE NEGOTIATOR! Once he is no longer on his rookie deal, Grievous' contract length can be renegotiated unilaterally by the GM once in his career. This will take the AAV value of the final year of Grievous' current contract and allow the GM to give Grievous a contract of any length for that AAV. So if he's on a 4 year deal that ends at $10M, you could reduce to 1 year 10M, and if he's on the MLE, you could extend to 4.5Mx6

Hidden stipulation: if playing in a game against Mace Windu, -75 stamina

[Jordo]

General Grievous (Vazquez)
9'5", 450 lb
C
A- F+ C A+ A F

Will set block records someday--he literally had twice as many limbs as every other player and he is meaningfully taller as well. Terrible range--you can't fake the force no matter how many lightsabers you have in your collection. Is the C Handles passing or handling?!?? Time will tell! Do the 4 limbs mean even more coordination or does he have only 2 limbs worth of coordination spread over 4!?
Scouts think Grievous has maxed out his potential already, in fact, Hello There! some say he might be headed for a Len Bias-esque career trajectory

Stipulation: THE NEGOTIATOR! Once he is no longer on his rookie deal, Grievous' contract length can be renegotiated unilaterally by the GM once in his career. This will take the AAV value of the final year of Grievous' current contract and allow the GM to give Grievous a contract of any length for that AAV. So if he's on a 4 year deal that ends at $10M, you could reduce to 1 year 10M, and if he's on the MLE, you could extend to 4.5Mx6

Hello there