A Hot Beal of Lamb Crowder: The 2012 Big Board

[Joe]

A Hot Beal of Lamb Crowder: The 2012 Big Board

Cutting it a little close with the Big Board this year, sorry. In recent weeks I have been asked by my bosses to “do your job” and “spend less time on your weird little 4chan site on your phone, everyone can see you staring at it in client meetings,” whatever that means.

Most people know that the Mayans predicted that the world would end in 2012, but far fewer know that they also predicted the NBA draft would end around 7 picks and then be a bunch of poop guys afterwards. Spooky stuff. This draft is more top heavy than undefeated 2012 World Number 1 Christina Hendricks, and with so many tankers this year, the boys unlucky enough to drop into those 8 through 13 spots are sure to be Mad Men. New leader in the clubhouse for personal favorite Big Board name. Let’s get into it.

1. Anthony Davis C 6'10'' 253 19 B C+ C B B- A

The first in a line of transcendent unicorn bigs arriving in the league in the next few seasons, but perhaps the Second Coming of the Holy Dream himself, AD is as no brainer a Number 1 as we’ve had since Lebron. AD’s Basketball Reference page literally looks like prime SLN Hakeem – the steal numbers are completely stupid - and he’s a teenager to boot (although I’m pretty sure Potential can’t go over 100, which is almost certainly where this unplucked behemoth is starting his career). If he gets paired with Kawhi and Pat Bev in San Antonio, there are going to be some great “we finally built a big enough wall” jokes to be had down in Texas.

2. Damian Lillard PG 6'2'' 195 22 C B+ C+ C D+ A

I think of Lillard as the Machoke to Chef Curry’s Machamp, and that’s not a knock; Dame DOLLA should be worth every penny. Elite volume at PG is relatively scarce in our league, which is a good thing given how overpowered it can be. As Chauncey, Hudson and Francis head for the exits, TP, Jamal Crawgod, Nelson and Steph himself are really the only PGs that can get you 25+ a game with reliability, so getting a fella like Lillard that can do that opens team building doors for you that few other teams have. I hope the Kings trade up to get him so we can get the Metta World Peace / Dame DOLLA collab album we’ve all been waiting for.

3. Bradley Beal SG 6'4'' 207 19 C+ B B C C- A

There is a lengthy section of Beal’s Wikipedia just titled “Missing Playoffs,” which is unfortunately what he’s spent most of his career doing. That should change in SLN. I like Beal’s chances of becoming the next Voshon Lenard / Allan Houston, never doing a ton on the defensive end but somebody you can put next to your super star as a solid #2 banana (currently picturing a banana with an eraser and the word Ticonderoga stamped on the side, FWIW). We’re really getting into the one-and-done fellas now – at age 19 as well, I like Beal’s chance to pop like one of his teenage pimples in his first couple TCs.

4. Andre Drummond C 6'11'' 279 19 C+ D D- B- B+ A

The noticeable decline in rebounding ability among incoming bigs has occurred as our Sim Prophet foretold – A- rebounders used to grow on trees (or in the FA scrap heap), now you gotta go to Jwoo and get charged at least 4 second rounders for one. In this economy?? Makes me sick. Our stimmy checks can’t come soon enough. The Big Penguin should be a nice return to the good ol’ days, when gas only cost a nickel and 7-foot guys actually boxed the fuck out. Drummond may end up needing a handle camp, but if you dump a good bit into his rebounding in his first RC or two, he’s got a good shot of becoming our first A+ rebounder since Rodman.

5. Harrison Barnes SF 6'8'' 225 20 C+ B- C- C+ C A

I always thought of Harrison Barnes as the EXACT average of the NBA. If you lined up all 450 NBA guys next to eachother by every measurable stat - height, weight, shooting, defense, rebounding, whatever – you’d find Harry right there at #225 every single time. Seems like his draft profile is of similar ilk – kinda decent at a bunch of stuff but going to need some good TCs to be startable. Certainly not exciting, but hey, I still like him more than Draymond.

6. Khris Middleton SF 6'7'' 222 21 B- B- C+ C C B


RIP to my man Khris, but he do be lookin’ like some kind of unholy fish-donkey hybrid. Thankfully, we’re getting 2012 Middleton and not November 2023 Middleton, so I expect there will be plenty of buckets to be had. He seems like he’s the offensive elements of a certain DANGERous Knicks small forward, without any of the D – call him Anny Granger, I suppose. But in case I didn’t mention it, he’s beat as fuck.

7. Draymond Green PF 6'6'' 230 22 C+ C B+ B C+ A

There are definitely going to be some GMs who try to trade up for this guy, and with good reason – despite being one of the worst people alive, he’s probably going to end up a Hall of Famer…disgusting. Fortunately for us, Ashes made sure he ain’t gonna be in the HOF of SLN. I’m seeing a sort of Boris Diaw-type mold with worse rebounding, more steals and a much worse moral compass, though he’s likely got enough potential that he’s worth a top 10 pick. The stip has me concerned, as he’s probably going to get suspended several games a year, or end up breaking his foot trying to rupture someone’s nutsack. Or worse, whatever GM drafts him has to listen to his real-life podcast.

8. Jae Crowder SF 6'6'' 235 22 C+ C+ C B- C+ B

An awesome, cost-controlled Celtic that we traded for that bum Kyrie along with the 6th overall pick (Collin Sexton!). One of my personal favorites during those awesome early Brad Stevens years. Absolutely love his SLN notes, although I’d argue he deserves to start with a little extra 3PT. He’s going to be a possession monster, with good stocks, low TOs and exceptional rebounding paired with high strength, which should be super overpowered at the SG position. Probably not a ton of volume, but a good 5th starter who only does good things for ya.

9. Kent Bazemore SG 6'4'' 195 23 C+ C+ C B- C B

On the border of B Defense and B- Outside, I think if Bazemore’s ratings were C+ B- C B C B, he’d be getting looks even higher on this board. He can’t go to the NDL, so he might need a supercamp to make him startable as a SG, as low jumper and what I suspect is low strength (based on his size and profile) do not constitute a recipe for efficiency from the 2. Probably worth a scout on this one to figure out what’s up under the hood offensively. He could definitely end up looking a little Tony Allen-ish, and there always seems to be a market for a fella like that.

10. Michael Kidd-Gilchrist SF 6'6'' 232 19 C+ C C- B- B- B

MKG, or Machine Kun Gelly, as he is known by his real fans, reminds me heavily of one Mr. Renaldo Buttman, with a little less stocks and a little more strength. Honestly, I think I was a little too high on Renaldo in 06 – he’s been moderately useful on the Suns, nothing to write home about, and far from the gamewrecking multi-positional backup I thought he’d be. Both MKG and Buttman have big posters of Gerald Wallace hanging in their rooms, but I don’t think they’re going to be as good as their role model any time soon. Still, this guy is a fun project player that clearly has good upside already and is a teenager – I might convert him to a 4 early on to try to maximize his stock potential, though that repulsive jumpshot probably won’t ever get the love it needs.

11. Dion Waiters SG 6'3'' 215 21 B- C+ C C C- B

If I had to guess where you might find Waiters Island, I’d wager it’s up in the Arctic Ocean, as no one has ever had a greener light that this guy (just a little geomagnetic joke for the real ones actually reading this whole article – I see you Steven. Still trying to figure out how to get “gay haunted” into this board). C+ outside is weighed down by low 3PT, but he’s listed with good updside and the second highest scouted potential, so plenty of room to grow. Feels verrrrrry Dahntay Jones-y to me.

12. Terrence Ross SG 6'6'' 206 21 B- B- C C C B

Pretty excellent notes for Ross, who seems to be able to do it all well – scoring inside and out, stocks, rebounds, strength and quickness. Honestly, he looks really good. His C Defense rating is wayyyyy down there in the file, though, and there’s probably a good bit of jumping in his B- inside based on that time he dunked all over Kenneth Faried’s ancestors back in 2014.

13. Jeremy Lamb SG 6'5'' 180 20 C B- C C+ C B

Not totally dissimilar to Ross, Lamb seems like a pretty traditionally built shooting guard, with a little bit more on the defensive end. There were a lot of guys that I could slot in in the 12 to 16 range, but Lamb’s name lent itself best to the title pun so he gets the nod. The nice thing is that unlike the fellas ahead of him, Lamb actually can go to the NDL, which one could argue make him a hair more valuable.

14. Festus Ezeli C 6'11'' 255 23 C D+ D- B B C

A Festus for the Rest of Us. Pretty standard stuff over here – really nice B/B starting Butt ratings, but his turnover problem will need some attention. Not terribly worried about the fact that he can’t shoot, as fellas like Diop have similar notes and it doesn’t hurt the size of their ass one bit.

15. John Henson PF 6'9'' 219 22 C C C B C+ B

This dude was such a monster on those Harrison Barnes/Tyler Zeller Roy Williams teams at UNC. Nice to see him recognized with this fourth highest defensive rating of anyone in the draft after Wroten, Draymond and AD, and there’s no doubt in my mind that he’s got the highest blocks in the draft file. His C+ Rebounding is all the way on the border of flat C, so probably best to focus on that in camps, but the fact that he’s the only Big Butt-shaped fella who can’t go to the NDL bodes well for his base stats.

16. Kyle O'Quinn C 6'9'' 250 22 C+ C C+ B- B- C

Nice notes, nice ratings for Kyle O’Quinn, who, like Patrick O’Bryant, is actually an enormous black man and not a drunk ginger in a South Boston bar. Currently a star for the Sichuan Blue Whales (I have ordered this dish many times at Han Dynasty, it is delicious and mostly cruelty-free), O’Quinn has that Big Butt build with some buttery fingers. Probably from eating all that blubbery whale meat in the team cafeteria. I love a blocks/rebounds/handles supercamp for him, and perhaps a trimmer for that beard.

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Every mock draft so far has been completely different after pick 7

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