Sim League Nirvana

Live from the Plain Dealer (yes its a real thing, I googled it) - local Cleveland reporter Mervis Chaddenstein sits down with widely unpopular GM Michael Cavs Czar Antypas for an all exclusive presser after holding onto a top 3 pick in a stacked draft class.

Mervis Chaddenstein (MC for short) - So...

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE - Sorry 4 Da Opacity, bka Swampstoryz Vol. 16 , failed to properly address our new addition to New Jersey executive management. Folks, meet Nick ... not the one from the Sonics, nor the one from the movies where he's always screaming and contorting his face and sniffing the...

For all inquiries, contact The Guy From West Wing at 201-YES-NETS. Interviews granted upon request.

For sponsorships, contact Whit Dickman at 201-NET-PEEN. Nonprofits can address all partnership looks up their butt and around the corner hahahah we don’t have time for that stuff!

That a big deal is about to happen

This has been by far the most challenging day in my professional life. I understood that my skull was broken and I was facing a crossroads in my evolution as a player and as a man, and that extremely difficult things would happen to me. What I didn’t truly understand, however, was the range of...

This just in: The Kings Draft Board was caught on camera just an hour ago. The team is struggling but the results are REAL. The team picks #3 and #10 overall, has 3 2nd round picks, and now the whole world knows who the team wants.

1. Collin Murray-Boyles
2. Reed Sheppard
3. Jared McCain
4....

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
San Antonio Spurs Go Balls Deep with Dick in New Marketing Campaign and Game Night Promotions

SAN ANTONIO (November, 7th 2023) – The San Antonio Spurs are proud to announce their latest marketing push celebrating the arrival of Gradey Dick, a player who brings size, girth...

After exhausting trade talks trying to acquire just about every other player in the league, we finally landed Michael Porter Jr. in a deal — despite relentless interference from third-party agitator Heimer…… It wasn’t our first target, but fate works in funny ways, and now we’re sitting on a...

Dear Orlando,

Well mates, I’m back! Orlando was a place I called home. You lot took me in, threw some barbies with me, and we won a stack of games—some of the best years in Magic history. It’s pretty rare in this business to find a place that truly feels like home, but I found that here. It was a...

TORONTO --

Toronto Raptors president JWoo announced Sunday, on the eve of training camp that Raptors legend Marko Jaric has been named an assistant on the staff of head coach LaDon Gola, who, yes, is still the coach after like 15 years. Jaric, 44, was a first-round selection of Toronto in...

In a shocking move, the Atlanta Hawks told Cody Martin to GTFO and shipped his ass to the Los Angeles Clippers of Anaheim. It's a real tragedy - what happened. The Martin twins went on a couple’s trip with their significant others to St. Lucia to celebrate the lifelong dream of playing alongside...

The Orlando Magic are proud to have the 2022 Slam Dunk Champion Aaron Gordon and have announced an Air Gordon day for the home game against the Raptors on Day 103 (3/16). Aaron faces his former squad and plans on dunking all over them repeatedly. Nic Claxton was heard saying, Man that dude dunked...

For Immediate Release:

The Orlando Magic are proud to announce John Henson Commemorative Fly Swatter Day in conjunction with our newest brand partner, Catchmaster! Each fan attending our Day 104 game at home against the Charlotte Hornets will receive one John Henson branded Catchmaster fly swatter...

After most of the season of avoiding the vaccine, Kyrie Irving has finally taken the plunge. In true Kyrie fashion, it wasn’t a normal clinic visit.

Sources say Kyrie requested calming music, dimmed lights, and a small bonsai tree in the room to “channel focused energy.” Before the shot, he paused...

After over half the season of refusing the vaccine, Kyrie Irving has pulled a 180 and announced he might take it—on one condition: he needed answers from Moderna first. Kyrie set up a private meeting with their top scientists and executives to “align the vibes.”

Here’s what went down.

Kyrie’s...

7:00 AM – Mystic Awakening

Kyrie wakes up slowly, stretching out on his Egyptian cotton sheets infused with lavender and sage oils.

His room is dimly lit by the faint glow of a Himalayan salt lamp. A Tibetan singing bowl resonates as part of his custom alarm system. Kyrie murmurs:

Another...

AP-

After an extended period of time away from the organization for a “mandatory vacation”, I am back, and dismayed to find we are underperforming yet again. I would like to make it very clear to the staff and players that if I do not see things change quickly, drastic steps may be taken. I would...

Dear BBL,

I have accepted that I have zero chance to give the Bay a winner. This is why I hereby give in my one season(aka one month) notice that I am giving up the reigns of the Warriors to hopefully a better GM. Given that finding someone on such short notice can be difficult, I believe one...

This was written entirely by chatgpt and took 4 seconds to complete. Do not give me RP.

The SLN Basketball Sim League, once the pinnacle of virtual basketball competition, has faced unprecedented challenges since the takeover by basketball icon Lavar Ball. As fans and players alike mourn the...

The transition from the 2018 to 2019 season has been a transformative one here in Philadelphia. We have moved on from the Chosen One in LeBron and are trying to find/solidify our new identity, now that we have a roster with some really good pieces instead of one that was broken with a cheat code....

A Grim Mood has gripped the franchise! After a shocking end to their season and the scandal that Lavar Ball left in his wake, The SoNicks have been left in disarray, shock, and direction. We do not know the way. The owner of the SoNicks recently found a sort of fanaticism through the
BOOK OF...

We face a troubling new threat that is not something I have ever had to plan for. A health crisis is sweeping the nation and here in the SLN we are feeling its effects as well. COVID-19 has affected many players around the league, and as much as I like to be ready for any potential issues, I must...

SEATTLE (AP) -- Immediately after Game 5 wrapped up, word started spreading like wildfire that something was amiss in the Seattle locker room. As the players each took turns at the postgame podium, there was one noticeable absence. Head Coach LaVar Ball.

We have received information from a...

Sonicks press statement for urgent release:

We have faith in coach Lamar. We have even more faith in our Star PG Lonzo Ball. I repeat, WE TRUST OUR BALLS. And we have the balls to increase the number of balls in our sack. As Lamar’s two youngest gear up for their SLN debut, we know that Lonzo...

*For immediate release*

We did the Jon Snow thing to former Suns coach and once-sentient human being Monty Williams. By that, we mean we took his body up to the coldest and most northern part of our state, and made sure no one had sex. New Jersey is…not that cold right now, actually. The whole...